this post was submitted on 30 Jun 2025
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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it's hot. also i'm growing cacti from seed which is new to me and i'm excited, a few of them are sprouting now. how are you?
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Yesterday
Yesterday was upsetting. I'm done spending 2+ hours typing comments. It's literally not good for my psyche to spend this much time focusing on this site, this problem. It's amounting to its own internal issue for me.Right now this site is acting like a Demon Pit for my Gender Thoughts that spits them back out as terrible monsters meant to horrify me.
I thought talking would make it better. It has not. I thought I could make friends by being genuine. I have not. I'm surprised that you all are so comfortable with someone getting worked up this often, if I'm being honest.
There's probably some other thread where you all exchange Cool Trans Secrets anyway. It is what it is. I'm not worthy.
As someone early in their transition, I am filled to the brim with questions and concerns and thoughts about gender and sexuality. I don't know if this is normal. I've been single for years, no sex life to speak of. I'm a blank slate, I am so eager to learn.
But you all make me feel like I should keep these things to myself. There's no discussion to be had, I guess. I should just read old Reddit threads where someone else describes what I'm talking about.
I'm putting a few ventilations in one comment. I literally have to limit my screen time or else I'll post all day until I get a response. This isn't how I wanted to be. People can stop this by helping.
gender envy
It's frustrating dealing with gender envy with one of my friends' girlfriend. Her fashion, the stuff she posts is very much my vibe.So it's weird because she graduated, I don't see her anymore, but the connections are mutual enough that I'm just aware of this person and have no idea how to have friendship, or even a conversation with her.
I think I'd faint if she talked to me. I know that's pathetic. I feel this way about a percentage of the women I go to school with. It's envy, attraction, then shame, then I am invisible. Like a woman would laugh me out of the room for thinking I could ever look like her, be like her.
It's hard. I shut down because I'm like, "well she sees me as a guy, and she has a boyfriend, so she probably isn't going to want to talk to me because she sees me as a guy so she assumes I'm a horndog because straight men only reallybefriend women for sex and I'm not a man so I don't know how to befriend women"
I think we could've been friends. Unless she's still in town it's probably too late.
couples
I just want for a woman or someone to teach me how to be more feminine. I'd be so willing to learn. I'm like a blank slate. I can barely function as a guy. I don't know if anyone has ever been as ready as I am.I'm also jealous of literally every couple I see. Any time I see two women especially I'm like "WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DO NOT" and I think this comes from the fact that I think people who are able to have friends and keep people around do know something that I don't.
Like you, reading this, if you have someone you just casually text and don't ever really wonder about the consistency of the back and forth, congrats, I'm jealous of your ability to keep people around. You are a social Adonis as far as I'm concerned.
If I'm out and I see two people, my mind is immediatelywondering how they know each other, how long they've been together, how much fun it must be to be together.
spoiler
The problem I've had with you with respect to engagement is that you've deleted your comments a handful of times after I thought I had been respectful and thoughtful. I dont even know if what I did hurt! Sometimes you get the engagement you seem to want, and then delete the comment which to me suggests you were in pain or embarrassed or didnt like the replies. You also seen to be crying out in tremendous pain for a social life but hexbear just isnt that - this is like the social equivalent of trying to survive off bread and water - great if youre starving, but no replacement for a full meal. You also have to deal with what I assume is quite intense social anxiety, which in your case seems so crippling you cant actually speak to strangers and if one spoke to you - you wouldn't know how to respond. There is no short cut for dealing with that level of social anxiety, Im sorry. You also at some point have to deal with how you shut down for being perceived as a dude, you will almost certainly feel better being open and out as enby or vaguely trans instead of this creeping horror you get in the back of your mind and thought loops when it comes to how you assume other perceive you.When you post, Im never sure what you want because you say one thing but act contrary too that. I feel I respond to you, I've seen others, so you do in fact get engagement. Yet this does not seem to fill your proverbial cup - you've posted things like the above quite a few times. The things you need to do to get a handle of your mental health isnt wearing the right clothes or styling your hair just so (although, Im sure it'd help your dysphoria at least a bit). Im happy to share what I know but the huge hole you feel and the despair and the pain needs some actual real life supports and not just us. You have to keep attending trans or LGBT support groups, you have to keep searching for therapy especially if you can get it through your college instead of paying a lot after you graduate. IRL trans support groups can help you figure out how to femme up way better than us - because we dont see you!
I know you feel this is like pushing away (because I can see your history), let me assure you that I would be happy to continue seeing you post and comment and I missed you when you left. You can absolutely keep venting and asking for advice and all of that. This isnt pushing away, this is triage - you need serious irl supports and not just the hexbear trans megathread. That's why I've kept suggesting you get real help.
for what it's worth, i've undeleted pretty much every comment i ever made on this account. how am i supposed to know that people even want to read my old comments? stuff that i feel is too identifying stays deleted. i can't undelete the Wendy account but like, nobody was telling me that i should stay, nobody made it clear that they'd be reading things i posted in the past. like if that had been made clear to me then i wouldn't have just up and deleted it.
i find it slightly ridiculous for people to call me out for deleting comments that they didn't read in the first place, as if i'm under special direction to make sure this information gets 150% through to you. if people are working as hard as i am to simple communicate, i don't know where those people are. when you all delete comments i don't think all that much about it, i generally respect that people will post something that they later want to delete. why am i held to a higher standard lmao
Im not trying to call you out or drag you, I had hoped you would see how I had come to be confused because to me it seemed you would get engagement and then delete your comment and then later complain you dont engagement. You don't have to undelete stuff, delete as you will and leave it deleted. I've deleted plenty of comments of my own. I just didnt understand why you would do it when you seemed (to me) to be getting what you wanted. It was just regular ol confusing, not a call out or a bone to pick.
If I delete a comment it is because it was an attempt to share something and it didn't go well. if I've said something revealing and the megathread marinates and nobody replies, it makes no difference if the comment is there or not, and depending on what I've said, I may not be comfortable leaving it out there unanswered. To me, successful engagement leads to conversations that are ongoing and come from a place of mutual understanding. I just wanted someone to talk about gender and life with so it didn't hurt so bad, I don't see how that's intense or unclear or inconsistent.
have you tried the matrix chats? they might be more your speed if replies are what you're looking fer. the vast majority of my comments here don't get replied to.
i wouldn't say deleting your comments is intense but it's def different than what I'm used to people doing on these boards. not to say it's wrong or anything but i often respond to people days after they post and if you're deleting em, well, i can't
at this point who cares. i'll stop deleting comments but it's also just like, a comment from 2 days ago doesn't necessarily reflect how i feel today. i feel a lot of guilt when i blow up and ruin the megathread. so i delete the comment. if i post with the intent to converse and it doesn't happen, i feel rejected. you want to read two days from now about how i wanted to cast a spell on this website, or something arguably nsfw? some of my comments are me slurring at myself, which is why i delete them. i could leave them up as reminders of my failures, though
the matrix chats moved too fast for me the last time i tried. and i joined with a different username because i hate this username so people pressured me to change it which i felt weird about. my impression was that they were all mostly on the same page in terms of what to talk about, and i didn't really know how to get my footing or what to say.
i wish i weren't reacting to observations i've already made when trying to socialize. i've listed specific concerns and people still are like "what a tough egg to crack, this guy's good, he's so good, i have no idea what he wants in this situation"
spoiler
You can limit the this to 2 hours...Have you seen my posting?
I'm single too and still have a lot of questions and concerns about it tbh, although I've been trying to hold off until I'm in a position for that to even change. Not that you need to hold off on asking about it.
Real tbh.
I know replies mean a lot to you, they do to me too, I'll try to respond to you more. I've got a lot of my own stuff going on so replying to others has waned a bit. Actually just typing this as I run out the door or it'd be longer and better ๐
spoiler
Mood.