Phone calls literally set off my fight or flight this sucks
SterlingPooper
joined 4 years ago
Been scared to call my Healthcare back for like a month. I need a minor surgery (dermatology) and I am scared because I've never done it before and they're gonna wanna schedule it before I'm okay with it. I've been avoiding their calls and I'm petrified to pick up the phone. Idk what to do
Weird time.
I used to have a different account and was around in the trans community here. Over time I felt like the megathread kinda promoted this promise that you can vent and people will be there for you. You can vent, but people are equally as happy to not hear you complain. I almost think it enables you to just say the most dysphoric, self-hurtful shit imaginable, knowing even the internet leftists will just shrug and ask if you get therapy.
Do I regret ending the Wendy account? No. It was important to make what felt like a decision for me. If I'm the only one compelled to act in my best interest, then fuck you, I will. You're more than welcome to leave a pathetic enby crying by themselves in the void. Just know that I wouldn't, and that makes you and me different.
I'm having an awful week! But I know better than to throw myself into a space that forces toxicity from me. I learned that much and I still haven't read theory.
It's such a joke. I legit might buy wired headphones next time I have to replace mine.
Damn, like, how do you make close friends?
It feels like I'm too late in life for lifelong friends, like, they'd have to have met me before I was an adult, right?
Like, I want to be close to someone, dammit. I thought other people wanted that. I think I'm confused. I need a nap
RIP "Souna" ☹️
A legend for sure.
I am intrinsically drawn to the pansexual colors 
Grief, exhaustion, fatigue, confusion, hunger. I'm so overwhelmed I can barely think. I'm too tired to eat, too hungry to sleep.
Maybe I need to hit the bottom idk
The thought of making this phone call is genuinely starting to make me space out and feel unwell
rant
Why is health like this, a million different fucking doctors for each joint in your body and they all have different rates and none of them communicate, there's no one person who's like "oh well all of this is what's wrong", it's up to thd weak and compromised to keep track of themselves. The fact that I have to call to set up something that doctors say I need is, upon reflection, insane. Like if it's important, why are they waiting for me. Stop letting me avoid.I actually kinda wish someone would force me to do this. Like, I'm too obstinent. I want to, but literally can't.
And then I try talking to my brother but even though we have all the same shit going on, he gets all weird and distant. Like I told him I was stressed and making dinner, so he just asks what I'm making for dinner. No mention of the fact that I'm stressed. This is the only person I've felt comfortable opening up to and it's like he doesn't fucking realize how much I trusted him, or that these slights make it even harder to trust him.