Canada

“Nasssty Canada, with its healthcare and reciprocal tariffs!” Krasnov hissed. “It burns us, precious!”

He hunched over in the dim glow of the Oval Office, stroking a golden golf ball in his palms, his eyes darting between it and the maps spread across his desk. “They take advantage of us, yes they do. Always winning, always smug with their free doctor visits and politeness. Weak! But strong! It’s tricksy, so tricksy!”

A cough echoed from the corner. His chief of staff, a weary-looking man with thinning hair, cleared his throat. “Sir, this—uh—this meeting with Prime Minister Trudeau is important. We need to discuss trade.”

Krasnov recoiled, clutching the ball tighter. “Trade?! TRADE?! Filthy free-traders! They cheat us! Steal from us! But we—” He paused, his voice dropping into a desperate whisper. “We could… could take their milk, yes, yes! Their delicious dairy! Make America milky again!”

His chief of staff pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sir, we already produce a lot of milk.”

Krasnov’s face twisted, his fingers tightening around the golf ball like a strangling grip. “No! Canadian milk is special! It’s… socialist milk! It must be destroyed! We put tariffs on it, we crush them, and then we take it for ourselves, yessss!”

A flicker of doubt passed across his face. He shook his head violently, as though fighting himself. “But what if… what if Canada is right?” His voice softened, a pained expression twisting his features. “What if… universal healthcare isn’t nasssty? What if… it’s… good?”

He gasped, stumbling backward, horror-stricken. “No! No, no, no, never! That’s socialism! That’s evil! We hates it!” He flung the golf ball across the room, where it clattered against a bust of Lincoln and rolled onto the carpet.

His chief of staff stared, unsure of what to say.

Krasnov froze, then slowly crawled toward the ball, cradling it again in his hands. “We must punish Canada. Yes, precious. We must make them pay. Or else… or else we lose.”

A long silence followed.

Finally, the chief of staff sighed. “I’ll call the trade representative.”

Oh you haven't seen nasty yet, Donald.

Politically, Canada and California are indistinguishable. The United States with two Californias would look more like Canada than it would the current US.

The GOP cringes every time Trump talks about a 51st state.

That thumbnail is pretty nasty

America has been subsidizing Canada

2024: Canada imports ~$480 billion total from the USA. Divided by 40 million Canadian population, that's $12,000 for every man, woman, and child spent on American shit.

USA imports ~$586 billion from Canada. Divided by 400 million population, that's only $1,465 per capita, and that's only 1/8th of the amount that Canadians bought from the USA in return.

##BUY CANADIAN, BE FAIR!##

You can't compare apples to apples when one side of the equation has 10 times the population. If we're trying to be fair, Trumpistan needs to buy 8 times more Canadian shit!

Tariffs on the Canadian side will be reciprocal and will only serve to make us stop buying Murcan shit, leading to an even bigger Trumped-up deficit and the loss of their biggest, best customer. Likely long-term.

Can someone please get dementia Donny back to his nursing home please

I'm convinced the guy is literally doing this because of how it would look on a map. He took a look at how big Canada looks (partially due to Mercator) and thought "Wouldn't it be great if the my country was that big?"

I have never known a man who needed to get punched in the face worse than Donald Trump. I am not a violent man. I detest "online tough guys" who treat every situation as an excuse to advocate for violence. And I'm not saying I endorse a bullet or a guillotine or something like that. I'm not even saying I'd punch him.

But this man has clearly never been punched in his shit-talking mouth, and if someone had done it 40 or 50 years ago, we wouldn't be here now.

Public spanking of Donald is in order. Time to put up Wanted sign for Don.

You've managed to piss off the country whose reputation is that they apologize for everything. Stupid idiot.

Good. Proud to be Canadian.

Donald Trump was meant to die in prison.

He's not dumb. He's cancer. He's aggressive. And he intends on metastasizing to the entire world. Strongmen only respect strength. We need to show him how nasty we can be. Watch what he does with targets he perceives as weaker than us (if there are any). If he goes after Panama first, or Greenland, you can be certain that we are next.

This is not empty rhetoric folks. I've been saying it since before the election and I'm going to keep saying it, he's actually coming for us. His first term was full of empty threats. This one hasn't been. He has followed through, and he will follow through. He will continue to bully us and come at us sideways for awhile, take what he can by hook or by crook, but eventually he will get impatient and greedy. He is coming. Prepare to be another Ukraine, another Afghanistan. The latter is a tiny, technologically backwards nation that is called the "Graveyard of empires" for good reason. We can be that, and we will need to be that. I say this to reassure you that it is absolutely possible to defend our sovereignty against a much larger aggressor. This is anything but a lost cause, but we need to take it very seriously, because he is deadly serious.

Good.

Let him stick to that line, keeping Canadians angry and trade negotiations stalled. He's helping us maintain the momentum needed to build a stronger Canada and end reliance on U.S. trade for good. When he and his ilk are all eventually deposed, the U.S. will have to make many concessions to get (partially) back into our good graces. If that doesn't happen, our need for political separation will only increase.

No deal is the best deal.

So why does he want to annex Canada if it's so "nasty"?

"I deal with every country, indirectly or directly. One of the nastiest countries to deal with is Canada," Trump said.

I'll take that as a complement from you. Thanks!

It calls us nasty because we fight back. And it's going to be nastier, donnie.

I wish Australia and the UK were as nasty as Canada. Tariff the US already you cowards.

He still wants to annex us.

Canadians, crank up the nastiness a little more.

Come on up here Trump, say that to our faces!

Trump can go fuck himself, can't he?

Yes so nasty of us Canadians sending super scoopers to help with their fires. If only we were one of the nice, friendly, genocidal countries like Isreal.