Probably never masturbate again
this post was submitted on 24 Apr 2025
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For operating under the presumption that this isn't a monkey's paw sort of Midas touch, meaning that the person who granted it took it literally that I actually have to put my hand on something to turn it to gold, I'd probably go around picking up small rocks and things like that and handing them out to people who needed money. My wife would probably be upset that she had to feed me for the rest of my life but you know.
Devaluate gold.
All the cables, copper is so passe.
(I have just chacked and copper has lower resistivity. Why people say that gold has the best conductivity?)
Silver is the "gold" standard as far as I am aware. Though I think gold is considered better compared to copper because of oxidation reasons.
Go to all the Republican party conventions and give everyone a warm handshake.
That's for everyone's benefit. Me, I would just go grab levels and stack them in a box.
The man with the gilded crotch…
Goldmember...
...not touch my....shit I touched it, didn't I?
I'd "make a golden tree statue", sell it for crypto, buy trump coins with it, go to his dinner, and shake his hand.
I like this plan. The first half made me hate it, which is a pretty good sign it's hitting the right key points of environmental destruction, profiteering, crypto, bad crypto and buying influence, but then brings it back right at the end.
You're going to have to be careful not to touch anything at the dinner before shaking hands, you wouldn't want to give the game away too early.
You've got a point, I should probably just touch a rock and start the thing with that instead of a poor tree.
Starve to death, probably. Isn't that what happened to King Midas?
Use the thing that Phage the Untouchable had to use to eat.
It had claws to peel her lips back, and an extender that would push very raw meat down her throat (it would start to rot the moment it touched her, so the fresher the better)
They hadn't invented gloves back then?
I mean, there's the time period where your not starving to death but, ya, you probably ded.
I mean I don't see how you couldn't do a feeding tube other than it's going to be not great pulling that sucker out.
The liquid still touches.
So does air, or the thing you're sitting on.
I imagine depending on the rules, this would turn the whole world into a gigantic gold ball, which would then collapse into a black hole or something.
Depending on the rules, exactly does this magic conserve mass? Uranium would get bigger, cotton candy would shrink to a flake? All of the air in the world weighs 5.5 quadrillion tons. A ton of gold is 16.5 cubic inches, or 270 cm³ - so a block about the length of your foot plus a bit per side 5.5 quadrillion of those - a 1,487 cubic km block.
I'd choose to shape it into a giant pyramid, which would minimize how much it sinks into the crust, and look cool AF for the 130-odd seconds it takes everyone to asphyxiate because we're staring at a giant gold pyramid made from the matter that used to be the atmosphere.
Ice-IX. From the book, not the real stuff discovered after the book.
You made me check the average density of earth and, yeah, good is 4x denser than that. I'm not sure about the black hole thing, though. Would it be enough mass to collapse or would it just sit there?
Can you catch grapes in your mouth? We need more details on the rules.
Get distracted and scratch my nose.
Touch all the CEOs I can get my hands on
Turn my microplastic collection I’ve been hoarding in my body into gold.
High five a certain gold loving narcissist
It would be fitting that his hand would be stuck upright in that “awkward hand gesture”
Get a pair of chain mail gloves. Put them on and they turn to gold and still function as gloves.
Then wear my gold gloves around at will, using my gold touch to further materials science.
Gold can be weaved, just get a pair of cotton or silk gloves. They'll be lighter.
Chain mail is already heavy and you want to make it gold?
Turn everyone I hate into gold and then melt them down and make golden urinals out of them.
Found trumps account
Jerk off.
[Insert goldmember]
this certain mike myers movie was in my head when i read the prompt.
where though, i cannot say
Lead. Alchemy baby.
I would attend political rallies and be sure to be up front for shaking hands.
Masturbation is out so, probably something productive.
I want to say I'd strategically accrue wealth and use it to make the world a better place, but realistically I'd probably just end up running around turning random stuff into gold and totally crashing the gold market.