this post was submitted on 30 Jun 2025
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I hope I'm doing this right, sorry if I'm not
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So my egg cracked about a week ago, my partner has been really supportive and I am so much more emotionally available, which is obviously great. Though 20 years of pent-up stuff has me crying every time I think of how greatful I am. I'm posting because I want to get used to talking about being trans since I definitely have a bunch of internalised transphobia (yay...) and I think talking about it will help normalize it for me.I do have a few supportive friends that I want to tell, but it still feels kind of cringe..... So if anyone could, I would be so happy to have someone ask a few questions.
Hello, you may be a stranger to me but I am very proud of you. It always takes courage and strength to get to where you are now and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Thank you!
Ok so I reread your post and realized that you meant for US ask YOU a few questions... ngl you're reminding me of myself right after I gathered the cohones to actually transition, I really wanted someone to do that too.
Umm...
So, how does cilantro taste to you, is it soapy? Genuine question.
What is something that you would like to go do, now that you are a little more "you" than you used to be?
I have been told by my partner that I am very much a stereotype lol. When he found out and we talked about it, he said "ohh that makes sense" like wtf is that supposed to mean? I thought I was hiding it well lol. He told his "work wife" and you know what she said? Ohh yeah that makes sense.
So now I'm not really surprised when my story is similar to so many others lol.
Tbh I don't know if I've ever had it.... If I have some at home I'll report back.
I have been painting my nails and doing my hair for a while now (nail polish helped me stop biting my nails so thats nice) but I'm less weird about it now. So I look forward to being less weird about it outside of my safe space. Really though, and maybe this is sad, but I'd like to be invited to girls night. Last time that group of friends had one they thought I wouldn't enjoy it. Which is fair given that I was incognito.
Also confidence. Especially so that I can harass hateful people /fascists. Its one of lifes great pleasures.
ask a few questions or answer a few questions?
Sorry I meant ask me a few questions. I don't really know tbh lol. I'm just trying to find a productive way to work through my anxieties.
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For example just saying I want to use she/her pronouns is hard even though its true. I've been taking baby-steps towards presenting more femme, pushing myself up to and slightly past my comfort zone but in safe spaces.
I'm a tired millennial and really don't want to keep waiting until someone finds out or I'm 100% ready. I have too much else to do. I do have an appointment with a therapist, but I don't want to just wait until then to try and work through my stuff
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One thing that seems to be true of trans femmes around our age that came out after adulthood, is were all very good at denying the things we want and depersonalizing. You've probably had a life time of self denial where those neural patterns are very worn in. You will have to learn to want the things you want and let yourself feel it.If you want others to use she/her pronouns - tell them! Keep presenting femme, wear a skirt, a dress, wear makeup, grow your hair. Take HRT! Voice train (please by all that is holy, start ASAP. You might feel embarrassed or have a hard time starting, do it and start training - I swear passing is like 80% voice training)
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Omg the first sentence is very true lol. Like I was wearing femme clothes in private, and only bought things that I could most easily hide under mens clothing, or were super cheap and not something I had (like I had one dress so I wouldn't buy another). Now that my partner knows, its so hard to look at clothes and think whether or not I like it, since I got so used to just having whatever. And when dressing masc my whole life, I never really liked anything. Come to find out, apparently I looked weird in mens clothing lol.
I've tried make-up a few times, and would take pictures. Its when I started tearing up and thought "wait, am I hot?" that I realized I had to do something instead of hiding. And luckily I have great hair :) I have even been cat called which was a weirdly mixed experience. I wasn't even really presenting femme, just bent over in my garden...
Thank you
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So I'm gen z, so my headspace may be a little bit different, but I'd say come out as soon as you know and are comfortable doing so. It's never too early to come out. You are trans when you say you are. Anybody shaming you for not being femme enough to be out is just an asshole.
For me personally, I started presenting outwardly when the discomfort of hiding myself surpassed the discomfort of the transphobia and stares. I didn't really get much from therapy when it comes to my trans journey, I just kept throwing myself out there repeatedly until it became more uncomfortable to boy mode than to be myself. I still get dysphoria about not passing occasionally, but honestly I feel way better about not passing now than I did a few years ago.
Thank you <3
It really helps to hear this. Especially where my thoughts and feelings are all over the place day to day.
Do not, my friend, become addicted to boy-moding. It WILL ruin your life. Just fucking send it. Stay vigilant. <3
Lol thank you, it is a weird brain experience
Makes sense to me. When I came out to my brother, I'm glad he asked pushed me to express myself more. Not sure what you want questions about though.
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Its hard changing when you are so used to hiding things, not just from others, but primarily yourself. So many coping mechanism unconsciously formed. I can't provide much help since I've been taking things far slower than I'd recommend to anyone.
What are the things you are feeling most anxious about? Coming out to specific people? General treatment by public? Facing your own thoughts? Figuring out what you want?
You are doing this right. As you transition, what are you most looking forward to?
I dont know :( Right now I'm enjoying the relief of not hiding it from my partner or myself, and having a safe space at home. I play a sport competitively that I will likely have to give up so thats occupying a big part of my mind.
Its a good question though, I guess its easy for me not to look forward given the obstacles I'm going to face.
Thinking as I write, I'm looking forward to being able to be more authentic and emotionally available (this is already happening) so that I might finally be able to build meaning relationships. Also wearing clothes that I like, and not just black rectangles lol.