this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2025
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Unless you’re going about it like an asshole, no. You’re communicating, standing by your position, and setting a boundary.
She knows smoking is dangerous, she knows you don’t like it, she knows you want her to quit, she’s quit before so she knows how to do it.
Have you considered compromising with vapes? Still not as good for you as not smoking at all, but significantly healthier than smoking and doesn’t make everything smell horrific. She can get that nicotine buzz she craves with very few of the downsides. She can also then taper her nicotine content and quit that way if she decides to.
I'm trying not to to be an asshole about it. She knows my stance and I'm not budging. That said, I don't throw it in her face. In fact, I only told her once that I won't do the vow renewal until she quits. We have an otherwise perfect marriage.
We haven't had the vape conversation, but I'm not in favor of that either. You don't quit drinking by switching from beer to vodka. I honestly don't know how I would feel about her switching to vape. I hate the smell of her addiction but that's not my biggest issue. I hate the effect on her health but that's not the complete picture either. I hate the concept of a smoking addiction. It's not my identity, and I don't want it to be the identity of us as a couple. We are blue collar AF, but I still feel like her smoking diminishes us.
I used to be proud of her for quitting and staying quit. Now I'm not anymore.
Not sure about the vodka vs beer analogy, but people have definitely quit smoking by switching to vaping. A hard addiction such as years of smoking needs to be slowly eased off, otherwise you're just asking for health issues and a fast relapse.
That identity thing seems counterproductive. The way addictions works, you generally kind of stay addicted indefinitely even if you manage to quit and stay off the substance forever. And in contrast to beer vs. vodka, vapes are healthier than cigarettes - even if that doesn't actually change anything for you, it's definitely better for her.