this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2025
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My wife and my 10th anniversary is coming up this year. She quit smoking before we got married. Years later I told her how proud I was of her quitting because it would have been a requirement of mine before saying our vows.
5 years ago she started smoking again when her father died of COVID. I was patient with her in the beginning but I have become increasingly frustrated with her unwillingness to quit. We have been looking forward to a 10th anniversary vow renewal but I told her I won't do it unless she quits. I told her I wouldn't have married a smoker. I will not remarry her while she is a smoker.
Am I being an asshole here?
No.
You privately set a limit with not marrying a smoker. You made that stance public years later after she had already quit. She knew about that stance. She begins smoking again. Understandable, addicts will relapse. However, relapsing for 5 years straight? When you know it bothers your partner and ACTIVELY contributes to not just a detriment to their health but yours as well? They haven't found a single opportunity to quit? Even for a brief period.
They're the asshole. If this was for a year, nah. Needs more information. But 5 YEARS STRAIGHT? She's not respecting your boundaries or your health.
Lol. Neither of them are assholes. He decided to stick around for 5 years. He wants her to quit, she probably wants him to be more accepting. He could have left 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 year ago given that he’s upset she’s not trying hard enough.
People smoke for all kinds of reasons. Her dad’s death could’ve triggered some intense mental health issues. You don’t know. Who’s to say she didn’t try a few times?
She's not an asshole lmao, she’s struggling with addiction and likely mental health issues. Neither is he for having these boundaries. It’s up to him to just leave.
This issue isn't rising to the point of leaving. There is nothing in the world that would make me leave her. I disapprove of her decision to keep smoking. I am disappointed that she knows how to quit and refuses to do so again. There is definitely an issue here, but at the end of the day I can't and won't force her to do anything. I am definitely not without my faults too. It pisses me off, but I'm not going to go all high horse on her.
But honestly, I don't know what to do about it. I do have a low level resentment about it, but we really do have a great relationship otherwise.
Yes and no.
I dont know your wife or her family so pinch of salt and all. But it sounds like cigarettes are a safety blanket back before marriage, mortgages, dad was alive, kids... they dont judge, they help with stress and they give you an excuse to give yourself a 5 minute break now and then.
You arent wrong to be upset but empathy and understanding will go further than bitching and guilt. Addicts are the worlds best excuse makers and the "Oh FUCK HIM" impulse is real.
They've been smoking for 5 years straight with OP openly disapproving of the situation. I'm not seeing the "Yes, you're the asshole" here. If this was for a brief period then sure. But 5 years is just beyond the pale. Half a decade of someone disapproving of smoking and they haven't found a single opportunity to quit?
It sounds like you’re putting extra pressure on her instead of just being loving and supporting, ironically making it harder for her to quit. Cigarettes are notoriously known to be hard to quit. There are always stories of addicts who quit all drugs but struggle to stop smoking. I obviously don’t know the full situation here though.
I get it 100%. The circumstances that led to her quitting the first time (a medical thing) aren't able to be replicated. Also, the circumstances of her relapse (her father's death) were sharp to say the least.
Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say, "this is us." "That is not us." ? I could just as easily turn a blind eye to hoarding. It's not dissimilar. But I refuse to live like people who live in garbage. If my wife was addicted to piles of junk, few would argue against me taking a stand against it. Pick an addiction; they all have social connotations. What if she was an abusive alcoholic? I can say no to that right? What if she was a functional alcoholic? Am I within my rights as a husband to put conditions on behaviors that represent "us"?
The family I grew up in has a zero smoking policy. I have a zero smoking policy. I love my wife, but I will never support her addiction.
You can draw your own line. I’m just saying your method might backfire. If you’re not willing to approach it another way, it might just be months of stress for both of you. Maybe not though, it could work. Everyone is different.
You and your wife are in a hard situation.
Unless you’re going about it like an asshole, no. You’re communicating, standing by your position, and setting a boundary.
She knows smoking is dangerous, she knows you don’t like it, she knows you want her to quit, she’s quit before so she knows how to do it.
Have you considered compromising with vapes? Still not as good for you as not smoking at all, but significantly healthier than smoking and doesn’t make everything smell horrific. She can get that nicotine buzz she craves with very few of the downsides. She can also then taper her nicotine content and quit that way if she decides to.
I'm trying not to to be an asshole about it. She knows my stance and I'm not budging. That said, I don't throw it in her face. In fact, I only told her once that I won't do the vow renewal until she quits. We have an otherwise perfect marriage.
We haven't had the vape conversation, but I'm not in favor of that either. You don't quit drinking by switching from beer to vodka. I honestly don't know how I would feel about her switching to vape. I hate the smell of her addiction but that's not my biggest issue. I hate the effect on her health but that's not the complete picture either. I hate the concept of a smoking addiction. It's not my identity, and I don't want it to be the identity of us as a couple. We are blue collar AF, but I still feel like her smoking diminishes us.
I used to be proud of her for quitting and staying quit. Now I'm not anymore.
Not sure about the vodka vs beer analogy, but people have definitely quit smoking by switching to vaping. A hard addiction such as years of smoking needs to be slowly eased off, otherwise you're just asking for health issues and a fast relapse.
That identity thing seems counterproductive. The way addictions works, you generally kind of stay addicted indefinitely even if you manage to quit and stay off the substance forever. And in contrast to beer vs. vodka, vapes are healthier than cigarettes - even if that doesn't actually change anything for you, it's definitely better for her.