this post was submitted on 19 Oct 2023
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chapotraphouse

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Dating apps are so fucking cursed (hexbear.net)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by SuperZutsuki@hexbear.net to c/chapotraphouse@hexbear.net
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Isn't the entire point of the profile and matching system to filter incompatible people out? Why can I match with 50 people and not a single one wants to get a coffee or something after exchanging a few pleasantries? Everybody hates these things and yet they refuse to do anything IRL to get off them. Is there some Manchurian candidate activation codeword that I'm missing? I feel like everyone treats this shit solely as an ego booster and actually gets pissed off that anyone tries to interact with them. How do you meet people in hellworld if you don't drink?

Me after dozens of dead-end back-and-forths that lead to nowhere despite having shared interests and presumably being attracted to each other since we matched: marx-joker

Hmm, maybe it's the extreme commodification of relationships and atomization under capitalism that prevents you from getting anywhere with this garbage thinkin-lenin

Nope, must be because @SuperZutsuki@hexbear.net didn't say my favorite "The Office" quote and send me a playlist with 50 of the greatest songs I've never heard that made me instantly fall in love with them. I have no idea what other people expect from these things but I'm not doing labor for someone that I don't even know is real. Thanks for reading my rant, any advice is appreciated.

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[–] GriffithDidNothingWrong@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Dating apps don't want people to form relationships for the same reason pharmaceutical companies don't want to cure diseases. They just want a temporary, hopefully addictive, treatment for loneliness not a remedy

[–] UlyssesT@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

They didn't start that way but as they refined their software and really honed in on profitability, the failure to connect people that might actually be happy together long-term became intentional for repeat business.

[–] MaoWasRight@lemm.ee 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I'll be frank as a person that has been on dating websites before they were apps... people often go on them for small validation and then realize they have no time to meet others when they have to prep for work. It's gotten worse after covid lockdowns.

I'm on Grindr and Feeld mostly and Hinge sometimes. I'm mostly looking for casual sex buddies and not relationships.

I'm not gonna say the "it's not you it's me" line nor its inverse. Because the honest answer is: it's not us, it's capitalism.

I've had to cancel so many times on people because I sometimes get home too tired to move after work. And have had people cancel as well. Nobody admits that fatigue but it's understood.

And keep in mind I'm queer, bi, relatively attractive and literally looking to hand out blowjobs. Sometimes people are too tired to even get their dicks sucked

So don't think you're doing things completely wrong. The hellscape makes it hard to meet new people.

[–] Dolores@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

Sometimes people are too tired to even get their dicks sucked

the greatest indictment of our economic system

[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If only we had places where people could commune with each other without paying money

[–] SuperZutsuki@hexbear.net 2 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Just going to walk around the library in a book costume asking people if they want to check me out

[–] keepcarrot@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

Yeah, ok

[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 1 points 1 year ago

It'll work on someone

[–] KimJongFun@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

It's a miserable experience. After years of trying I only ever managed to meet up with one person I thought I had in-person chemistry with. At the end of the date she gave me her number unprompted. Then she unmatched me and I never saw or heard from her again guaido-despair

[–] Yurt_Owl@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

People use dating apps with the expectation it'll just find the perfect person of their dreams. In reality it matches strangers with no connection outside of vague attraction.

Relationships just aren't built that way they're done through shared experiences.

Anyway i quite literally ended up pseudo automating the dating apps at one point and if a meetup wasn't agreed within x messages I'd move on. Then I gave up and ended up dating someone i knew irl for like 8 years.

Most people i know with successful relationships weree matchmade by friend groups or met playing an mmo or some other common interest.

[–] GeorgeZBush@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

It's funny, the only time a dating app match actually whether anywhere for me was when I matched with someone I was already friends with from work. Didn't last too long but it was cool because I already had a foundation to work off of instead of having to awkwardly message a stranger.

Anyway I've realized I need more friends. I just struggle to meet new people. I do have a few friends but they've never really tried to set me up with anyone so I'm kind of stuck right now.

[–] FourteenEyes@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

No, they deliberately get in the way of you matching with the most compatible people unless you pay for "premium" features that used to be core functionality

[–] SuperZutsuki@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm just a few weeks into this hell and probably going to be done with it soon. I need to find some events to go to that aren't centered on drinking. Then I just have to wrangle with my crippling social anxiety.

[–] Kaplya@hexbear.net 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

I seriously don’t understand how dating apps are even a thing. Do people don’t know how to make friends anymore?

If there is one thing online apps should be used for such purposes, it’s for making friends.

You have a hobby? Go and find like-minded people who share the same hobby, regardless of their genders and whether or not you’re attracted to them. Like, genuinely try to get to know someone without thinking about dating them or getting laid. You like photography? Go and find people who like the same as well - you already have at least one common interest to relate to, so don’t tell me you have nothing to talk about.

Hang out with your new friends, and because friends introduce friends to other friends, soon enough you will make more friends. Find someone you’re attracted to and they feel the same? Start hanging out more with one another. It’s that simple.

If you are introduced by a friend, then you are already one foot in the door - you’re already past the “creep” and “stranger” territory. In fact, you are already several steps ahead of someone trying to date through online dating apps. Let me ask you this: are you more likely to respond to someone who is introduced to you by a friend you trust, or some randoms who hit you up on dating apps that you know nothing about? The odds are heavily stacked in your favor.

It’s that easy. No stupid pickup artist bullshit like doing 1000 cold approaches to annoy people on the street (lol), no spending endless hours swiping on dating apps and wondering if you’re sending the perfect message or curating the most perfect profile. No, just show up to a friend’s gathering and enjoy talking to people, that’s all you need.

Seriously, I feel like the root cause of the problem is that people these days are so alienated in society that they have grown too afraid to socialize. Complaints like “no, I don’t want to talk to people who I imagine might say reactionary things that I don’t like!” are just excuses to stop oneself from interacting with real people in the real world.

If you’re too afraid to even socialize, how is dating app going to help?

[–] janny@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

Seriously, I feel like the root cause of the problem is that people these days are so alienated in society that they have grown too afraid to socialize. Complaints like “no, I don’t want to talk to people who I imagine might say reactionary things that I don’t like!” are just excuses to stop oneself from interacting with real people in the real world.

Not gonna lie I see some posts on this site that outright describe people in their community with the same vitriolic hatred that Timothy McVeigh describes brown people. Sure I bet there are alot of areas with right wingers, but I'm sorry but if everyone around you is a literal demon then have you ever thought about the fact that the common factor in all of your interactions with these people is you?

The emotional core of fascism is a deep misanthropy and I've seen so many young people who grew up with some socialization issues and a deepset hatred of other people latch onto communist politics and then become some sort of fascist or right-winger later in life. I don't care about how epic you think your Maoism-Third Worldism is, I've seen enough of those people become Nazis or Haziods that I can clearly see a pattern in that sort of psychological framework to be incredibly sus of that sort of sentiment.

[–] JohnBrownNote@hexbear.net 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Do people don’t know how to make friends anymore?

once you're out of college-age it gets pretty impossible and has been that way for decades in the US at least. even worse if you're any kind of ND and can't tell the difference between friendliness and interest because nobody is ever friendly.

when you're in college age they're hookup apps and i was lucky enough to get out before those really took hold.

[–] Kaplya@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

I am in my mid-30s and I still meet people relatively frequently (less so since Covid, to be fair, but that’s on me as I’m still not very comfortable with large social gatherings). People just keep on inviting me to hang out. Sure, some of them are too immature for me these days, but I still meet people my age, many already in a relationship, but some are still single. And I’m not even in the market for dating/relationship, just enjoying meeting new friends.

Do you have hobbies or interests? It’s fairly easy to make new friends simply by meeting like-minded people at these activities/gatherings.

[–] Tankiedesantski@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

Often it's like a "takes money to make money" situation. If you've already got a circle of friends then it's often much easier. If you have to start from zero (moving to a new city/country, recovering from previous toxic friendships, etc) it's much harder.

[–] JohnBrownNote@hexbear.net 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

based on your description of your experience i cannot believe you are a real human being actually living in our capitalist hellworld.

[–] Kaplya@hexbear.net 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

How so? I am serious. Just find an activity like participating in some voluntary work, whether it is in an animal shelter, a charity/humanitarian program or simply volunteer teaching for underprivileged kids, you will meet people. Are you telling me that it is impossible to meet people even this way?

[–] JohnBrownNote@hexbear.net 1 points 1 year ago

it doesn't stick. nobody messages me first. No friends, only acquaintances.

additionally, i'll take loneliness over the physical torture of how covid takes you out, let alone the risk of long-covid. maybe they have competent government in your society?

[–] Azzu@lemm.ee 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

What I would be saying is that I tried several other things, I meet people and have a good chat with them, and that's it. No invitations to anything else. Even if I try to actively exchange contact details, which is (I think at least) gladly accepted, it just goes into nothing. Maybe I'm just unlikable and thus no one wants to continue hanging out with me.

Like, how does this happen for you? Maybe you're a really funny person and people like having that around and thus invite you to get their fix of funny? Or something like that? Maybe you have some value you provide that I'm lacking, but I don't know what it is, because the conversations I have seem very pleasant, to me at least, and I'd like to continue them. But apparently not the other side.

[–] Kaplya@hexbear.net 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I mean, I don’t know what your hobbies or passions are, so it’s going to be different for everyone I suppose. But you do have to be proactive in keeping touch if you want to hang out with them (remember they also don’t know if you are keen to hang out with them or it was just you being friendly), and if they also like your vibe, they will reciprocate, if not, then don’t be too bothered about it.

For example, if you both like photography, you can exchange Flickr accounts, show each other what you shoot, chat nerdy camera/photography technique shit, and maintain your communications from there.

For example, do you like cooking? Do you have a dish you just learned that you’re dying to let your friends taste? Say both of you love cooking, and have some dishes in mind, it’s pretty easy to organize a small gathering, invite a few friends over to try out your cooking.

Do you both like watching certain sports? You can suggest maybe next time there’s a match you guys should throw a watch party with a few friends? If you both like certain video games (which I’m not into) I suppose it’s even easier to play together.

Just don’t be like overly interested because that can come off as creepy, but surely it’s not that hard to bond over common interests?

[–] Azzu@lemm.ee 1 points 1 year ago

Well yeah, I mean that generally works. But you said that this translates into other connections for you. I often meet someone doing something, and then we continue doing that thing together, talking about it. But it doesn't really result in new people being added, so it doesn't continue to build from there, like what you described.