this post was submitted on 28 Jul 2025
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The Internet in Ancient Times

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Welcome to the stone age... or the bronze age... or the iron age... heck, anything with an 'age' is welcome, except our modern age or any ages to come.

This is about what the internet was like thousands of years ago back when it all started. Like when Darius the Great hired mercenaries via Craigslist or when Egypt invented emojis.

CODE OF LAWS

1 - Be civil. No name calling, no fighting, keep your flint hand axes inside your leather pouches at all times.

2 - Keep the AI stuff to a minimum. It gets annoying and old fashioned memes are more fun for everyone.

3 - None of this newfangled modern 21st century nonsense. We don't even know what "21st century" means.

4 - No porn/explicit content. The king is sensitive about these things.

5 - No lemmy.world TOS violations will be tolerated. So there.

6 - There is no ~~rule~~ law 6.

Laws of justice which Hammurabi, the wise king, established. A righteous law, and pious statute did he teach the land. Hammurabi, the protecting king am I. I have not withdrawn myself from the men, whom Bel gave to me, the rule over whom Marduk gave to me, I was not negligent, but I made them a peaceful abiding-place. I expounded all great difficulties, I made the light shine upon them. With the mighty weapons which Zamama and Ishtar entrusted to me, with the keen vision with which Ea endowed me, with the wisdom that Marduk gave me, I have uprooted the enemy above and below (in north and south), subdued the earth, brought prosperity to the land, guaranteed security to the inhabitants in their homes; a disturber was not permitted. The great gods have called me, I am the salvation-bearing shepherd, whose staff is straight, the good shadow that is spread over my city; on my breast I cherish the inhabitants of the land of Sumer and Akkad; in my shelter I have let them repose in peace; in my deep wisdom have I enclosed them. That the strong might not injure the weak, in order to protect the widows and orphans, I have in Babylon the city where Anu and Bel raise high their head, in E-Sagil, the Temple, whose foundations stand firm as heaven and earth, in order to bespeak justice in the land, to settle all disputes, and heal all injuries, set up these my precious words, written upon my memorial stone, before the image of me, as king of righteousness.

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[–] Soapbox@lemmy.zip 36 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I always assumed the 100 men vs gorilla question was meant with no weapons.

If you give the 100 men weapons, the gorilla is dead real fast. Making and using weapons is what put us at the top of the food chain.

[–] Nalivai@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Although, Emu Wars showed us that it's not this obvious

[–] Soup@lemmy.world 9 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

Well d’uh, it was twenty-fucking-thousand emus spread over a fairly large area and just two guys in a truck with a machine gun.

[–] squaresinger@lemmy.world 4 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

And, of course, losing the Emu war doesn't mean the same as losing an actual war. The emus didn't kill a single human. The "war" was "lost" because the humans got bored and stopped killing emus en masse.

It's kinda like "losing" the war on "dandelions" in the backyard.

[–] Soup@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

Was it bored or did the whole affair just prove futile, especially with the lack of resources?

Also dandelions are sick, I don’t know why people see a bunch of yellow and go “hey, you’re ruining my bland monoculture!”

[–] Sanctus@lemmy.world 45 points 6 days ago (18 children)

Am I vastly underestimating the gorilla here? 100 men? We're swarming that dude like ants. His eyes are getting poked out in the first 30 seconds.

[–] Klear@lemmy.world 36 points 5 days ago (10 children)

We’re swarming that dude like ants.

Are we? Or are we standing awkwardly in a circle, waiting for some other dumbass to make the first move, because the first guy to make a move is not gonna have a fun time.

[–] bampop@lemmy.world 16 points 5 days ago (3 children)

If not fighting is an option, I guess the men will stand in a crowd making noise and the gorilla will just chill in his corner. I suppose you have to assume that all parties are 100% committed to violence

[–] LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

I'm not sure what I should do in this scenario so I'm going to wait until Hillary Clinton tweets her opinion so I know what's best for me.

/This was hard to type, I'm hoping it gets down voted out of principle haha

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[–] MintyFresh@lemmy.world 17 points 5 days ago (3 children)

One of the things that sets the human animal apart is throwing things. That poor gorilla is getting pelted with a million rocks. RIP hambre sr.

[–] pyre@lemmy.world 12 points 5 days ago

the whole premise is that it's hand-to-hand. if weapons are allowed there's no question to begin with. it's 1 man vs 1 gorilla and the man wins.

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 8 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Unless handicapped, any human child can throw a ball, catch a ball, throw a stick strait. No other animal even comes close.

And here I am feeling sorry for myself because I can't throw a cast net properly. :(

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[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 36 points 6 days ago (2 children)

OK I assume the hypothetical implies either the humans are bare handed or that the gorrilla also gets a weapon.

Though, outside of hammers and swords I don't think that really gives the Gorrila much of an advantage...

[–] PugJesus@lemmy.world 18 points 6 days ago (11 children)

tbf, 100 unarmed men vs. a gorilla is probably about the same difficulty level as 20 men armed with literal sticks vs. a mammoth

[–] Makeitstop@lemmy.world 46 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Don't underestimate the power of a pointy stick. Whatever size advantage the beast may have, it's not going to be able to simply ignore stab wounds.

Look at it this way, if you were naked and unarmed, and a dozen or more little imps as tall as your knee started stabbing at you from all angles with spears that can easily rupture your vital organs, how brave would you be to charge at them and try to kill them all with your bare hands?

[–] kamenlady@lemmy.world 18 points 6 days ago

Visualizing this made me think twice, even trice

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[–] Archangel1313@lemmy.ca 23 points 6 days ago (3 children)

...with weapons? Of course.

Unarmed? Fuck, no.

[–] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 32 points 6 days ago (24 children)

Unarmed? Absolutely. Humans are uniquely capable harassers. A gorilla would get winded after a short while and overheat not long after. The question isn’t whether the humans win, the question is how many people will die before the people start getting free shots at a barely conscious horizontal ape.

Unless the gorilla is windmill arming and people are just walking into the grinder, it’s always a win.

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[–] Pilferjinx@lemmy.world 13 points 6 days ago (18 children)

100 men can't take on one Gorilla? It'd only take a few to strategize and chase it to exhaustion.

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[–] Plebcouncilman@sh.itjust.works 12 points 6 days ago (2 children)

Humans literally evolved to use tools, it’s like asking a tiger to hunt without using their claws. Taking tools away from humans is not making them equal to the animal they are hunting, it’s handicapping them.

If you want to make them equal then the fight is 1 v 1 and the human has tools.

[–] ShinkanTrain@lemmy.ml 25 points 6 days ago

Me explaining why I brought a gun to the MMA fight

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[–] burgerpocalyse@lemmy.world 7 points 5 days ago

in real life, animals prefer being alive and i think the gorilla would run if it saw two people at the same time, let alone 100, and either side would give up once someone got really hurt

[–] LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world 7 points 5 days ago

Yo that's from the movie Ice Age

[–] HugeNerd@lemmy.ca 4 points 5 days ago

That one guy comes back walking funny "I thought you said beat OFF!"

[–] PugJesus@lemmy.world 12 points 6 days ago
[–] PalmTreeIsBestTree@lemmy.world 9 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Some people seem to forget that humans can cause literal stampedes with each other in large crowds and will suffocate anything underneath.

[–] remon@ani.social 8 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (2 children)

I don't think a Mammoth, or even a bull, would be very impressed by some humans stampedeing.

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[–] Pothetato@lemmy.world 9 points 6 days ago (8 children)

With a little creativity, and total dedication despite the high chance of being ripped apart, 100 men could take down a silverback without weapons or tools. Some go for the legs, some go for the arms, some go for the eyes, and then there's the really buff guy that locks arms around the head, while the others turn him by the feet, like a wrench, until it's neck breaks. Or someone jams their arm down it's throat until it suffocates. May take a few attempts and arms. Or there's the butthole, someone mentioned entrails, I dunno. Imagination.

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[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 4 points 5 days ago (1 children)

This thread is filled with people underestimating the neck strength gorillas have.

Good luck being able to choke out a fking gorilla, no matter what sort of Eddie Hall sized bastard you are.

I may be mistaken but I doubt that any remotely average or even slightly above average person could choke out a gorilla, even if the gorilla can't remove the person with his arms and is just flexing his neck.

[–] JcbAzPx@lemmy.world 6 points 5 days ago (1 children)

No need for that. They would just have to harass it until it died of heat stroke.

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

That seems much more rational, yeah.

And I'm not being sarcastic. It plays to our strengths. We can perspirate much better.

[–] CitizenKong@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

Don't sweat it. No, actually, sweat it! Sweat it real hard!

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