Im gonna miss working with children. They're so adorable, babies, toddlers, little kids, big kids, teens. Maybe Ill go back or focus on the peds population one day.
this post was submitted on 09 Jun 2025
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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so who is playin deltarune? i finished it through chapter 4 and now i'm gonna get both types of run in the can so i can pretend i'm not back to waiting a year for the next part. how bout those new secret bosses? how bout that damn
spoiler
roaring knight?
it's nice to have parts of this game be as hard as sands undertale.
also, susie is my favorite, she's precious, everyone drop your favorite susie moments in the comments
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Just woke up and my devious plan worked 
i still get dysphoric a lot
but come to think of it, it used to be way, way worse before transitioning
so that problem has gotten better for me, actually. this is weird to think about for me for some reason
I used to get dysphoric, I mean I still do, but I used to, too.
have grown very tired of my typical pasta + lentils/chickpeas recipe so gonna have to find a different way to flavor it besides tomatoes. maybe pesto?
Also i think i've just grown super bored of the typical italian sofrito + tomato base + oregano/thyme/bay leaf because i use it for basically every meal cause it's cheap as hell and tasty. But I barely even taste it anymore. It's about time to rotate spices I think lol
I had a very sad dream about my old cat. She was in a puddle, mewing pathetically, sick maybe? Its just a dream but still, I cried
lonely
Irl friend who I wanted to hang out with this week, didn't happen. I don't know when I'll see her next. She said she wanted to and hasn't been working, I offered to pay... how doesn't that happen :/
Online friend who I asked to use my name. Haven't talked since. It was awkward and I didn't like it anyway. There just is no way for someone to refer to me I'm comfortable with. That's why I haven't told my irl friend my name.
I have been drifting from my other online friends too. Nothing like it used to be. That's (largely) my fault for never having anything to say. Another consequence of the pain.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for other people. I feel broken. Also, to make this all worse, I've really been wishing I had a partner recently. I know that can't really happen now but I want.
cw: sex, butt stuff
Well, first time bottoming (anal) didn't exactly work out. We couldn't really get it in, although I didn't expect to take much more than the head so that's okay. All my toys are tapered, and I don't really know how to take a rounded head.
spoiler
Could so some pre-work with the toys to loosen you up to the appropriate size, and it should be okay
spoiler
God bless bottoms for all the work they have to do to have sex
also
Poppers are truly a wonder, making things easier and fun (don't combine with Viagra or Cialis)
weight cycling shit
lost a bunch of weight. got down to 190 pounds, and my pants all felt like they were about to fall off. I went from a size 14 to what felt like a size 12. I put a bunch of that weight back on, at about 204 pounds now, and my pants still feel pretty loose. idk if this is supposed to happen with weight cycling or what. or if i even had a point to this post other than "damn i'm getting more girl shaped i guess"
I'm like 3 episodes in my adventures with superman, mostly started it since I saw they made Mr Mxypltyx a twink, really they made everyone a twink here and that's alright cool even. Just feeling sleepy now
No kings day, smdh what about the short kings huh? Yeah that's right height discrimination is all to real and when they can finally get a day to themselves all the tall people are like "uh actually we abolished the monarchy"
We're keeping the short kings in cold storage for when the world is a better place
vent, meds, mh
So exhausted. So overwhelmed. So empty. All from nothing. Still unemployed. Living situation deteriorated. I just... I cant anymore. And ive been here before. So i know that I will. But i just cant. The fear. The anxiety. The paranoia. Non of it rooted in reality. The hunger. The disgust at food. The horror of meds. Ive been on them and off them and on them and off them. Different every time. Never right. Always never enough or too much. Im not on them right now. The only thing that addresses my (mild?) impulsivity is crippling anxiety that keeps me from doing anything. No one will help with the impulsivity because its hidden behind the anxiety. So they do the anxiety stuff. But then cant control my actions. I spend. And spend and spend and spend. I went off my meds when i started looking at used cars (cannot afford car rn) and ordering takeaway/delivery every day. Id rather have the crippling anxiety and constant low grade depression with occasional crashes into deep depressive episodes than blow everything and end up on the street. But now im back in the nothingness. Theres just... Nothing.
spoiler cw si Cant i just be free? Cant i just leave? Cant i be done with this. I dont want to be here. Every day is painful. Or joyous. But then the joy leaves and the pain says hey you took a respite lets hit you extra hard now. :::
burnout, non-personhood, doomer
Through my life ive burned out a few times. First i tried to head-down-power-through it (that went well). Then i tried ignoring it and just scaling back a little (also went well). Then the last couple times ive just stopped earlier than i needed to in order to avoid the really bad-bad effects of burnout. But the one constant has been that every time ive dealt with burnout, ive never recovered my same level of functionality that i had before. Im effectively nonfunctional at this point. Im not even really a person. And i dont want to be. Im a NEET and have been for almost two years. Im immensely privilidged. And i see people who could do more with my resources. Who could actually live. Who would be able to get back on their feet. Im so thankful, but part of me just wants to send every drop of money in my bank acct to someone better than myself. Someone who could actually use it to live a life thats not constant pain. My body is trash. My brain is fucked. My heart is broken. I dont want to be here anymore. Im trying to start applying for jobs again, but who would hire someone who randomly gets laid up for weeks at a time with depressive episodes? How can I even begin moving forward? Ive failed my family, my friends, my roommates... There is no redemption that Im capable of doing.
cw si
My current plan is to just go as long as I can, and once the resources are all used up, take a walk to the bridge.
Is this what giving up looks like?
*huggies*
Day 3 of trying to find my god damn nail polish remover, I got this real nice pink nail polish that I wanna use and the confidence to use it openly now but this bottle I put somewhere is just out of my reach. It is nice being gnc no one really cares or and most people are pretty supportive. I still sometimes feel the reflexive hid my hands thing but I'm over coming that and being more confident in my presentation.
Reading an article that is ostensibly pro-trans and realizing we need trans women political commissars in every organization.
an article that is ostensibly pro-trans
I remember going through all the bioshock games plus the dlcs and I think I concluded bioshock 2 minerva's garden was prob my fav. Infinte just had way too much shit with the story and both siding a revolution that it left a distaste in my mouth. Burial at sea was def better and part 2 might have been my preferred one but still. I do think bioshock was alright it did establish the mood and was the baseline to what I was comparing the sequels to.
Most of my friends are away this weekend for various reasons and i feel lonely 
You (yes, you) can help me cope with this by replying so I get a notification dopamine hit
Idk about a mine but Iโm kind of a dope
(yes, you)
idk, I think you've got the wrong woman, are you sure it's me?
Do people fr hang out with friends every weekend
:kitty-cri:
It depends, I guess. Since I live in an apartment alone and tend to be alone a lot at work a lot, being by myself all weekend can get lonely
What are you doing instead? Are there any games you're playing right now?
I just watched a movie and fell asleep 
I'm playing nightreign now and then, which is pretty fun i guess
my best friend was busy going on a cute lil date with their partner and I'm happy for them but I'm still kinda lonely and miss them
*patpatpats*
I wish you a great time with yourself ๐๐
dysphoria
for a while I tried to tell myself that wearing a hoodie Every Single Day was not a dysphoria thing for me, these are not dysphoria hoodies because all my other clothes are gorl clothes! I just really like hoodies!
... but, uh, yeah I'm starting to think it's a dysphoria thing after all.
I forgot how hard shmups are, noisz re:||verse has been kicking my ass 
I am currently witnessing what I can only describe as a straight pride parade. Just, legions of scantily clad women in black leather boots marching across the field. Followed by legions of loud and drunk frat boys blowing those birthday whistle things at cyclists.
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I NEED MORRRE VAMPIRE YURI!!
๐ณ๏ธโ๐๐งโโ๏ธโค๏ธ๐งโโ๏ธ๐ณ๏ธโ๐
Yessssss, I started just writing some for myself at some point cuz there was never enough. Never posted (~~or finished tbh~~) any of them though
I remember telling my friends in high school that 
was gonna be in the next smash bros and being told "no Wmill, he's a sega character that's stupid" and then brawl came out and no one remembered me making that claim 
I can call things and people just pretend like I don't this is just one example but it stuck with me.
Project M/+ Sonic and Knuckles are very fun and there's neat fanmade Shadow and Tails characters for mods of those mods lol
I'm surprised they never added other Sonic characters in Smash 4 and Ultimate tbh
I know the thing your talking about, honestly if I still had my old wii I might figure it out. Honestly the roster for smash is big enough that it could warrant one or two more sonic characters but idk gotta make room for more fire emblem I guess.
chasers
Was alone at the queer club yesterday. I was wearing a cute top, and I kept being approached by men that clearly only talked to me because they wanted to fuck. One of them tried to talk to me three times. I kept walking away from the conversation, and that helped because after a while he gave up. But there were still a couple of moments after that where he was around and I could sense he was debating himself to approach me again. After a while I put on my sweater because I didn't want to deal with this kind of stuff again. What can I do in the future against these types of men?
Sort of related, but I feel a lot of these men are bisexual or homosexual and can't deal with that so they settle for fucking clocky trans women so they can tell themselves they're straight. I'm only half a year into HRT, have a slight receding hairline and a masculine face. If you want to fuck me and are a man, you are not straight.
loneliness
Last night and today I feel very lonely as well. I got attention from these men but they only want to take advantage of me and I crave female attention the most. Not in a sexual way but want to feel like they accept me as a woman. Before that happens I will still feel these dysphoric feelings of being a creep, which I've had my whole life. It's better than before, but those feelings are still very severe. Maybe I shoud talk to my gender therapist about this more.
spoiler
Ugh that really sucks. I'm sorry you had to deal with them :/ 
Talking to a therapist is a good idea. This stuff is complicated and messy to untangle. If you don't mind me asking, what would that outward acceptance look like to you? Maybe (at least some) those scenarios are already obtainable
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