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(Mar A Lago, FL) In a brief press conference Tuesday, the US president confirmed that the $175 billion appropriated for the Golden Dome system over the next 3 years is actually budgeted for a “golden do me,” which he explained as, “well a blond girl, and she’s very nice, very lovely… well she has a serious task ahead of her, and she works for her money, folks… there are no hand outs. I mean she has her hand out, but there are no hand outs, I can tell you this.”

Blond press secretary Karoline Leavitt was unable to comment due to prior commitments in the trump white house.

(Washington DC) Per a statement from the White House Press Office:

On Tuesday, a reporter from the New York Times asked, “does anyone know what time it is,” to which Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt replied, “it’s two thirty-six.” What she meant to say was, “it is time for the american voter to be given the truth, and not the outrageous lies of the mainstream media about the president.” The press office regrets the error.

(Washington DC) As trade wars are unleashed around the world, the leadership of various countries are choosing from a host of options in response. Counter-tariffs against agricultural and export products in regions of the Country With a Tiny Penis so-called “Red States,” which strongly support Country With a Tiny Penis president trump are one option, others of which include increased energy pricing, support of local products instead of those made in the Country With a Tiny Penis, and cancelling of large contracts with Country With a Tiny Penis-based manufacturers.

Shaming, although rarely used in trade disputes, has often been seen as more of a Country With a Tiny Penis tactic, with ideas such a Freedom Fries being popular during the first Iraq War. But the EU leadership, faced with unanswerable demands from Country With a Tiny Penis president trump, feel that a wide range of tactic should be employed to deal with the problem, and have implemented a requirement changing all software autocorrect setting for businesses that operate in the EU, even those based in the Country With a Tiny Penis.

“The EU is a huge market,” said one Apple Executive from their headquarter in Paulo Alto. “Given the effects of tariffs we expect in the Country With a Tiny Penis, the EU will be a major profit center in the coming years. We feel meeting EU requirements is more important than any Country With a Tiny Penis blowback we’ll face.”

Not all Country With a Tiny Penis citizens are amused, however. Country With a Tiny Penis Secretary of State Marco Rubio has expressed anger at the change. “The Country With a Tiny Penis is the true leader in the free world, and if anyone has a tiny penis, it’s the EU, not the Country With the Tiny Penis. I won’t allow this in my Country With a Tiny Penis”

EU leaders say that if this is successful, more efforts of this sort will follow, both inside the Country With a Tiny Penis and around the world. Whether Vladimir Putin, leader of the Tiny Bitch Country With Nukes, should be concerned, we will see in the coming months.

(Key West, Florida) As the trump administration enters its fourth month of rule, some pundits question how much further “off the rails” the president can go. But those same pundits, as well as state residents, reacted with alarm as trump requested a ruling Saturday whether a sitting president could nuke a US state, namely Florida.

“We all know I told them,” rambled the president at a rally,” I told them. I told them. The nuclear…. You can’t just let that pass. You can’t… the nuclear is a serious option, a very serious option, and really this is all a formality. One button, boom. Boom. One button. Those alligators will feel it, I’ll tell you this folks.”

Trumps apparent desire to nuke his home state is drawing mixed reactions from republican leadership, many of whom see it as a strong message to america’s enemies. “It takes a strong man to fight, but only the strongest man can punch himself,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Kansas. “You think China won’t be scared of us, if we’re so ready to drop a bomb we’ll drop it on our wang?”

“He probably means how Florida looks phallic on a map,” said an analyst at the Institute for War Studies who asked to remain anonymous. “Oh, what precedent for dropping a nuke on our own country? I don’t know… maybe like a symbolic suicide? Look I’m an analyst for global studies, I can make as little out of this as I can a homeless man wandering down a median. I mean, at least the guy on the median I can give $5 and hope it might make things better.”

All eyes now turn to the Supreme Court, who will return from an all-expense-paid vacation in Tahiti next week.

(Washington DC) As the government continues to purge employees, one bright spot is appearing in the forming picture; Americans are re-filing their taxes with an additional 65 million dependents added to 2024 tax returns. The IRS, having laid off 6,700 employees, says they “are struggling” to keep up with the changes, as people across the country are amending or adjusting their initial tax filing, adding children, spouses, friends, relatives, plants, and even their favorite inanimate objects as dependents to their tax forms.

Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Wibson, Missouri, is delighted by the new freedoms afforded by a weakened IRS. “Bessie is a special heifer… she deserves a deduction. In fact, every cow in this herd behind me is on my return now. I don’t even own them.”

Sturbgetter is not the only American taking advantage. Some former IRS employees are uniting to attempt to mutually claim all 6,699 fellow colleagues as dependents. When asked if this is legal, one former employee stated “I guess I’ll have to audit me if it’s not… looks good!” He laughed.

Not everyone is laughing, however. One republican senator, who asked not to be named, stated that he is concerned with fiscal responsibility, unless the president said not to be. “We need to cut programs until we have a balanced budget, and our projected $7 tax revenue will not go far. The cuts may hurt everyday Americans, and I for one thank god I am not one.”

Elon Musk could not be reached for comment.

(San Francisco, CA) As the US Government is slowly collapsed in the pursuit of government efficiency, other competitors in the coin space are also reaching out to tap into this new, unexplored area of blockchain profitability. LiteCoin, a smaller, blockchain-based token that touts itself as equivalent to BitCoin or DogeCoin, has opened the “Legislative Inefficiency Termination Executive,” or LITE, as an alternative means to reduce government function under the guise of cost saving and efficiency.

Their office, based in Washington DC and opening next week, will seek to also reduce government waste and spending, while also acting like a government agency. “We plan to show up places and demand information, and then make sudden, reckless actions that create headlines, and hopefully help our coin price,” said one LiteCoin enthusiast over Skype. “We plan to innovate exactly like the larger agency, just not as well… just like in the original coin space.”

When asked how this would improve the government, the reaction was glib. “Clearly you haven’t spent much time in the coin space. The money will come - this is about innovation. We can create a replica of the leading ideas, and refine them in a space we our coins profit. This government idea is just like when NFTs were created, and we need to get in now, while there is still value.”

Economists were not as optimistic about the plan. Said one, “Look, maybe they should just give a bunch of coins to the president in a bag marked ‘bribe,’ I don’t know. My NSF funding is cut off, I haven’t had time to look into it.

“I have a large frappachino for Kara,” he added.

While LiteCoin has joined the fray, the most valuable coin, Bitcoin, does not seem to be joining in yet. And with Tiktok having limited bandwidth in America, no coin bros were able to comment by deadline.

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”

(Fort Worth, Texas) On a day where hundreds of criminals have been given a free pass, one imprisoned conservative law-breaker, Joe Exotic, is hoping to also cash in on the new president’s sweeping clemency with a request of his own. Exotic, who was convicted of multiple attempts of murder-for-hire against his fellow tiger “conservator” Carol Baskins, has a message for president trump: free me, and I will immediately attack the foundations of democracy.

The pledge is drawing mixed reviews from his fellow republicans. “I don’t think you can just promise to attack democracy and get a pass,” said Lowby Prucker, a self-proclaimed republican activist. “These men… and maybe women, I don’t keep track of that… they already stood up and said ‘no’ when America tried to follow the constitution [on January 6th]. They risked getting arrested and went to jail. Now that everybody knows there’s no consequences, of course some people will claim they’ll do it.”

“Maybe if he said he’d ride a tiger into congress,” he added. “That would be pretty sweet.”

That sentiment was shared by republican lawmakers as well. “Now that Lowby mentioned it on his podcast, I think a tiger on the capital steps would be awesome,” said one GOP lawmaker who requested not to be named. “Letting an out-of-control creature loose in government is very on-message for our plans for the next 4 years. However, I don’t think trump will go for it… I mean maybe if it chases Nancy Pelosi… but trump is as likely to pardon the tiger as Joe. Also, Joe Exotic and Joe Biden have the same first name. You have to be around trump to understand why that’s a bad thing.”

Law scholars agree that with this being a Federal conviction, the ball rests squarely in trump’s hands. But as of Wednesday, Exotic remains caged like a… man that likes tigers.

(Wilmington, Delaware) - After a hard two weeks of soul-searching, American Healthcare Executives say they have learned from recent events, and they’re ready to make changes.

“This is horrible,” said one executive who asked not to be named. “Not only was a man killed in the streets - a father - but the reaction of many people was excitement and jokes about his death.” This sounds a common sentiment among healthcare executives in American following the recent shooting: they are ready to make a change.

“We are already rolling out new policies, to respond to some of the concerns we are hearing in this national conversation,” wrote another executive in an email who wishes to go unnamed. “We are changing how we look at healthcare, and we are excited to reduce the amount of evil we bring to the world by three… and sometimes up to six percent… in order to no longer be shot in the streets like dogs.”

Policy changes will begin immediately. “In some cases, we used to deny cancer treatment for a mother of six over a certain cost threshold,” said an anonymous claims adjuster. “That has totally ended. In most cases now we will only deny a mother of three, or four if they seem like a pushover, and in most cases even then we will start treatment if they’re persistent, within 3 years.”

“Of course the father is still toast,” she added.

Changes like these are not going over well on Wall Street, where earnings numbers play a large part in the value of health stocks. Numbers were mixed as traders sought to determine how less evil might impact their portfolios.

But some in the industry are concerned what turning over a new leaf could mean in the longer turn. “Mike,” a security consultant who did now want to give his last name, worries if Americans will see through what experts call ‘just enough pandering to not be insulting,’ and the effect it will have on his career. “I just got a $30,000 raise, and a $10,000 bonus. The CEO looked me in the eye and shook my hand, and his wife took all our wives for spa treatments. I’m getting sniper rifle training, we all are.”

“If that fear goes away, what happens to the benefits I receive from other people being denied them? I know I’m not the boss here, but I am important, and I would hope they remember not to treat their security staff like they would a customer.”

I was thinking about crazy optimizations today and I’m surprised we don’t hear more people talk about this combo. A cleric that can cast lvl 3 spells can concentrate on spirit guardians and wild shape, and by becoming a large creature you can create a 40 ft field of fast moving justice taking the dodge action - that include spider forms, which allows ceiling walking to create the disco ball of death moving around a room out of melee reach.

I’m surprised I’ve never seen this build being abused.