Anon is rude at work : greentext

[–] Zink@programming.dev 2 points 35 minutes ago* (last edited 31 minutes ago)

So yeah this is me. I’m sure it’s a lot of us here. If you’re lucky you also have that flavor of neurospice that comes with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, so that not only is the social interaction itself taxing, but then the idea of sharing personal information is horrifying.

The results you get from it still depend on how you choose to react to your environment. Importantly, your brain and neurodivergence are part of that environment.

And it’s ok. Being friendly and participating in chats is not going to sign you up to go to anybody’s house. Sharing some details about your weekend plans won’t invite criticism or sign you up for other activities. (but if you work in a toxic environment, use your own judgment and act accordingly)

I think even with those of us who are very introverted, a lot of how “present” versus “withdrawn” you come across still comes down to things like depression, anxiety, and fatigue. I am fortunate right now to have a pretty good environment between a good job, the right medications, and mental/physical health. I’ll smile and wave at folks around the office, or BS about nerdy shit with whichever other engineers are in the office that day.

…but then I’ll still put in my earbuds and not talk to anybody for hours on end. If another person doesn’t strike up a conversation, maybe I don’t talk out loud all day. And at lunch I’ll not just sit in my car but drive home to eat!

There’s also something deeper and more fundamental at play here. Part of figuring out how to take care of myself and enjoy existence more has been to consciously nudge myself towards actions that I expect to benefit my well-being, rather than what works best for me in the moment. It can be little things, but they do add up.

For example, stopping to ask somebody who does customer demos what interesting stuff they’ve been working on. It seems like the typical in-office time waster. However, a short positive social interaction with a friendly face can boost both of your moods and make both of your days better. The work-related subject is the easy way into starting a conversation (me giving advice on starting conversations is some Twilight Zone feeling shit) and there might even be something interesting to learn.

This is the point where I’d make a joke about how wasting a bit of the company’s time to improve the mental health of two human beings is a win-win in my book. But we all know that happier employees will literally produce better results for the employer too!

[–] kadaverin0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 23 points 4 hours ago

I've found few people I'd call friends at jobs. Most people who tried to be "friendly" with me were social climbing shitheads working an angle or emotionally-stunted people trying to recruit me into their petty shop floor dramas.

[–] Kit@lemmy.blahaj.zone 16 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 5 hours ago) (1 children)

Any company culture that expects you to be friends with your coworkers is a dumpster fire. Run quickly.

I've worked in my current office for two years and don't know the first thing about any of my coworkers beyond their name and specialization. No clue if they're married or have kids, or what they do on the weekend. We never chit-chat. I am infinitely happier here than anywhere I've worked in the past.

[–] Paradachshund@lemmy.today 7 points 1 hour ago

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays! /j

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 24 points 6 hours ago

If we try to talk to coworkers we are told to get back to work, but then I'm expected to show up to extra events and get drunk with people I usually am not even allowed to talk to? No thanks, why are they surprised by this?

[–] RaivoKulli@sopuli.xyz 21 points 6 hours ago

I feel like if you are friendly with your co-workers it makes the days go by faster.

[–] SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone 36 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

I basically agree with all but the coworkers not friends thing. You spend a fuckton of basically everyday with these people - you need to make it not a living hell for everybody, and the only people who ever say this shit are the most hostile, passive aggressive, self centered, backstabbing, anti-competitive, two-faced people you'll ever meet.

Like sure you don't have to give each oral and have lunch together, but, christ, don't be such cutthroat selfish pricks to each other, that's what the billionaires want.

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 36 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago) (1 children)

Friends are people I like, share hobbies and interests with and want to have around me in my life. I picked my friends myself and I'm proud and happy with them.

Coworkers are people I'm stuck in a room with 40 hours a week. Of course you should be polite and friendly, because you're stuck with them. They got foisted on me and dealing with is part of why I get paid.

There's a huge difference between "not a living hell" and "sharing my private life and feelings". If everyone is professional and polite, that's great, but I dislike quite a lot of the people I work with and wouldn't spend 10 minutes with them if I didn't get paid for it.

[–] rooroo@feddit.org 9 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago) (3 children)

I fully agree with most of what you’re saying. But I also have many close friends who started out as coworkers, but we found out we’re enjoying each other’s company.

Hell I’m crashing on a former colleague’s (and former boss’s even) couch right now, and another colleague in the same city offered theirs. Another ex coworker is my deepest confidant in just about any topic.

It’s a bit tricky to find out which people are worth deepening the relationship with, and how to cordially avoid the others. But that’s just like everywhere else tbh.

Edit: I wanna add it’s perfectly fine to keep your distance to people from work, as long as you’re not being an asshole. I know I would have missed out on great seemingly lifetime friendships with that attitude and I don’t recommend not joining this seemingly cool person for a drink after work for the sole reason that you work together.

[–] mnemonicmonkeys@sh.itjust.works 2 points 9 minutes ago

It's fine to be friends with your coworkers, but it shouldn't be an expectation

[–] d00ery@lemmy.world 1 points 39 minutes ago

I have to agree. Work, like school, has a mixture of people, some you'll get on with and others you won't. I've made some good friends there.

[–] HalfSalesman@lemmy.world 3 points 42 minutes ago* (last edited 41 minutes ago)

I'm torn, most of the time I'd agree and I do befriend co-workers myself most of the time. But I do kind of resent the fact that often people at work often come to dislike you if you aren't spending time with them during breaks/lunch.

Thing is, I know why: gossip/shit-talking about you is easier when you aren't around. I know co-workers will start shit talking other employees (or even the manager in a personal way rather than general work complaint way) and even when I myself dislike the co-worker/manager they're shit-talking myself I tend to soft-defend them because of the discomfort over talking shit about other people.

EDIT: I kind of wish people could just be more blunt/open or even confrontational and not do the Machiavellian thing. Rip the bandaid off.

[–] t_berium@lemmy.world 33 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Only those who have nothing else in their lives but work find this unfriendly. Work is not an event that I attend voluntarily, but to earn a living. I am polite, nice and helpful to my colleagues in everything that revolves around work. Anything beyond that is not a matter of course and should not be taken for granted.

[–] fodor@lemmy.zip 1 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

A lot of that is going to be job specific. If you isolate yourself, you could run into various problems. First, you probably won't be communicating with union members, and those members might be the kind of people who can help you if the bosses try to fuck you over. Second, sometimes work is stressful, and you might want support from people who technically have no duty to help you. If you treat them decently on a somewhat regular basis, they might make time for you even if they don't need to. This also connects with your friends. It depends on your relationships of course, but some friends don't want to hear about work complaints. If that's the bulk of your friends, then you might want coworkers who are willing to listen to work complaints.

And it's all nice and fine to say that you only attend work to earn a living, but the reality is you could have worked at a dozen places, and you chose a specific one. No one's forcing you to be there. You could have gotten a job at 7-Eleven or Walmart, but you didn't. You're there of your own volition.

I don't think anyone takes for granted halfway decent co-workers. We've all worked with total jerks, and people often have natural reasons to act like total jerks from time to time. If you're one of them, that's okay, you do you.

[–] t_berium@lemmy.world 2 points 4 hours ago

I've been ripped off enough by companies to only do exactly what I'm paid to do. That doesn't mean that I'm not willing to help colleagues who have questions while I'm just about to disappear into the evening. It also doesn't mean that I can't talk to my colleagues about work-related issues, such as annoyances or anything else. As I said, I'm polite, friendly and helpful as long as it's work-related. And I don't do it because I hope to gain some kind of advantage from it, but because I want to be treated that way myself. The fact that nobody is forcing me to work at a specific job is true, but it misses the general point of the thread (and indeed of what I said). The fact is that people are people and therefore pretty much the same or at least similar everywhere - that's the case in my line of work. And I have experienced countless times that colleagues are only too happy to share all the details of the past weekend with you, from family outings to binge drinking to adultery, but they don't give a shit whether you had a good weekend yourself and dont even ask back. Most of them are not able to communicate at eye level at the absolute minimum and just constantly present themselves and expect some kind of recognition or admiration in return. And I'm supposed to share private things with people like that? For what? So that they can work with me more professionally? Or maybe just to make them feel better about themselves? I don't care about that crap, let's stick to what we came to work for. That's called professionalism. Apart from that, it's a mystery to me why you only consider colleagues to be halfway decent if they want to share private things with you. Maybe you should reconsider your expectations.

[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 4 points 6 hours ago

Someone on linkedin made that meme.

[–] TankovayaDiviziya@lemmy.world 57 points 11 hours ago* (last edited 11 hours ago) (3 children)

This is meme has a bad implied advise. You have to interact with your coworkers in so far as you build working relationship to trust each other, because teamwork and professionalism is required in most jobs. Also, building a work friendly relationship with coworkers will pay off when you want to get promotion or recognition, because you will get good word of mouth from colleagues and thus build a good reputation.

I understand where people are coming from with this, but one has to balance knowing when to recognise if your workmates can be trusted and become good friends, or knowing how to keep professional but friendly distance. Unless you work in an environment where teamwork has less importance, or you don't plan to move up the corporate ladder which requires good reputation, or really don't want to make friends with colleagues because they are toxic, then by all means be "rude".

[–] halfeatenpotato@sh.itjust.works 26 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

I fall into "rude coworker" territory, but have managed to do really well in my career. Different groups at my company have requested me to move to them, was just promoted to Expert in my software product, and actually just got offered a job with a 30% raise by one of the clients I work with (which I ultimately accepted and start next month).

My secret is that I'm a hard worker and I'm very thorough with everything I do. I take mentoring others seriously, and although I'm not naturally a very patient person, I am always patient with my coworkers and clients.

You don't have to be good at socializing to climb your way up, but you do have to make up for it by actually being good at your job.

[–] TankovayaDiviziya@lemmy.world 10 points 9 hours ago

I take mentoring others seriously, and although I'm not naturally a very patient person, I am always patient with my coworkers and clients.

This is what I mean. You have to have "people's skills" because it is important in a job where teamwork and mentoring are required. You don't have to socialise on every company events or be friends with coworkers outside of work. But being professional and friendly goes a long way. I know of people who may be good at their jobs on technical level, but are bad with managing people because they lack both social skills and social intelligence, which makes them pass over for promotions.

[–] Saleh@feddit.org 12 points 10 hours ago

I just ask people about their lifes. Most people love to talk about themselves and i have to talk less about myself and dont run out on unproblematic small talk points.

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 1 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Also, building a work friendly relationship with coworkers will pay off when you want to get promotion or recognition, because you will get good word of mouth from colleagues and thus build a good reputation.

Haha, yeah, and just look them in the eye and give them a firm handshake!

Meanwhile, in modern life, the way to get promoted and better paid is job hopping, or starting on your own.

[–] TankovayaDiviziya@lemmy.world 3 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

You could only get away so much with job hopping. And besides, I have job hopped before, adjusting to new working culture and environment can be challenging and eventually drain you as a person.

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 1 points 8 hours ago

You could only get away so much with job hopping.

Really? Because that's not been my experience at all. You can even come back to the same company multiple times. Sometimes it's even easier since you "know the company already".

adjusting to new working culture and environment can be challenging and eventually drain you as a person.

I guess that's a personal thing. I don't experience that at all, but if you feel the need to personally reconnect to all your coworkers, I can see why it would be very draining. If you see your coworkers as coworkers, it's a lot easier.

[–] Nebula@fedia.io 84 points 12 hours ago

Oh man, I feel this one. After a bad experience I stopped sharing ANYTHING about my private life and my coworkers would bust my balls about that, until I snapped and shouted "None of your fucking business". They leave me alone now, so mission accomplished, I guess.

[–] Univ3rse@lemmynsfw.com 68 points 12 hours ago

Anybody who thinks that behavior is rude is a busy body snake and is best avoided, regardless.

[–] PhilipTheBucket@quokk.au 44 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 11 hours ago) (2 children)

Man... it's so weird.

They want to have Friday beers in the office. They want to go to the game together. They want to organize little events after work that I'm semi-obligated to go to. I went to one, reluctantly, and one of the executives more or less made it clear to me that he had been against hiring me in the first place (for understandable reasons).

No I don't like you people, you're pod people, why the fuck do you do this with your lives

Edit: It wasn't just me, either. They all would get excited for sandwiches from this one place, and I went with them one time and they all clearly thought it was a treat, and the sandwich was foul. Just a big stinky wad of toppings and condiments. I never went again, and every so often with some fanfare they would go there again. I literally don't know what's wrong with them.

[–] CalipherJones@lemmy.world 28 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

They could be vying for position.

"I was ashamed of myself when I realised life was a costume party and I attended with my real face" Franz Kafka

[–] PhilipTheBucket@quokk.au 6 points 10 hours ago

Yeah bo

I know my share of history
How hard it is to be free
From wearing masks that turn to skin
Hiding what you could have been

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 5 points 9 hours ago

I'm self employed, which means I get to avoid the vast majority of these events. Unfortunately it also means that them inviting me is a Big Deal, and saying no isn't really an option.

One company did a quarterly outing to a brewery. Now, ignoring it's a bad idea to get drunk with coworkers (and then drive home), they only had IPAs, and I loathe IPAs. And they had "BBQ" which rivalled the mediocreest microwave leftovers.

And they claimed to love it. Either they're huge liars, or have horrible taste. But I did note only about a third of their employees were there at the time.

[–] Simulation6@sopuli.xyz 3 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

I never trust the 'spends lunch break in car' types. First one I ran into was listening to Rush Deadbaugh and the second was talking to god or something.

[–] ZebulonP@lemmy.world 3 points 2 hours ago

I'm one of those people. I wouldn't be caught dead listening to Rush Limbaugh or his ilk though, and I'm also not talking to god. I'm just recharging my social battery.

[–] Matriks404@lemmy.world 1 points 5 hours ago

I don't mind grabbing a beer with coworkers after work, but that's it. In work I'd rather have my mind somewhere else.

[–] iAmTheTot@sh.itjust.works 30 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

None of those things are rude.

[–] Jiggle_Physics@sh.itjust.works 4 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

Correct, but refusal to engage in small talk, banter, discussing your lives, and the occasional social outing, will have many see you as stand offish, asocial, and your refusal to do this basic community building stuff, as being rude.

[–] eskimofry@lemmy.world 1 points 18 minutes ago

Being forced to do these things seems childish

[–] Townlately 13 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

I'm super social at work and share a lot of intimate details about my life, but even I don't think this should get you hated on. There are a few people who don't share on my team, and I respect the shit out of that.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 12 points 10 hours ago

Just know, the reason we don't share, is because one of two things.

Either A) We're boring as hell, and don't want to have the same conversation every day.

"What did you do last night?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I sat in a chair and didn't move for literally 9 hours. Around the 5 hour mark I had to go to the bathroom. But I still didn't move. Eventually the feeling passed."

"Ugh. Fine. You don't have to tell me...."

Except that's literally true.

OR.....B) Wild BDSM orgys with women tied to each other with shared ballgags so they're always kissing. As we ask them trivia questions, and if they get it wrong, they get whipped. Then we all take turns and fuck each others wives. The wives are wearing hoods. So we don't even know who we're fucking, and they don't know who's fucking them. Sometimes one of them gets pregnant, and 5 years later you realize that her son kind of looks like you. She and her husband are raising it as their own, but you know. So they have to know too, right? I mean, c'mon. It's obvious. So now you wonder if you should talk with them about it or just move. Eventually that kid is going to be old enough to figure out he looks more like his neighbor than his dad. Hmmmmm........

"Hey, what'd you do last night?"

"NOTHING!"

[–] Cruxifux 11 points 12 hours ago (2 children)

When you’re trying to be friendly with a coworker and they say “we’re coworkers not friends” that’s pretty fucking rude IMO. The other ones though never bothered me.

[–] nesc@lemmy.cafe 3 points 5 hours ago

Yeah, had one of those interactions, it felt horrible and that person exploded from me saying hi and some generic routine like how are you.

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 5 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago)

Obviously don't SAY that out loud.

[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 11 points 12 hours ago

If you run into someone at work who uses this list as a way to judge other workers ... it's probably time to change jobs.

[–] JingoBingo@lemmy.world 2 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago)

"Doesn't talk unless spoken to " is fine if you don't want to talk about you private life but if it is work related you need to speak up when it's necessary. Otherwise some co-workers start taking credit for shit you've done. Not to mention if you don't build some rapport with co-workers good chance they don't recommend you for a promotion or a raise or something even if you do your job well. Not because they hate you or something just that they forgot what you do at work and it's your job to remind people of the work you've done and that only happens when you talk.

Also in large companies it's good to be in the loop of what's going on in the office, it's how you can sniff out an opportunity for a raise or promotion or know when to leave before the ship sinks. So socialize at least a bit at work, you can do that without talking much about your private life.

[–] Nurse_Robot@lemmy.world 12 points 13 hours ago

It me

[–] A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world 8 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

This is exactly how I had to get by when I worked with other electricians. Working for myself is the tits.

[–] bobs_monkey@lemmy.zip 5 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

There's a lot of herd mentality in the trades and it's fucking exhausting. Not only is it almost expected to go for beers and jack off about work after work every other day, but you're up a creek if you don't have the same views on absolutely everything as them either. Agreed, running my own electrical shop is rad.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 1 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Hey, so what's your views on religion, politics, and class dividions???

eats popcorn and glares as you answer

[–] bobs_monkey@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 hour ago

Proceed to shoot off incoherent insults when they're different.

[–] idiomaddict@lemmy.world 5 points 11 hours ago* (last edited 11 hours ago)

I’m like this at work, but I have great (distant) relationships with my coworkers. I also work like a dog because I enjoy it, so that might have something to do with it.

I will grant you, I do greet people on my own and ask after their families/health if it’s been a long time or if there was something going on. That’s because I’m trying to be polite but not friendly and it works beautifully.

[–] spankmonkey@lemmy.world 8 points 12 hours ago

Oh hey, it's me!

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