Who was happy when their parents came home, and who sometimes peed their pants from sheer terror?
That's a real distinction to make.
this post was submitted on 27 Jun 2025
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I'm in neither camp personally. I overheard my dad joke to my mom about how the best time to stop beating your kids is when they're old enough to fight back, and so I learned to fight against it, physically. Of course he didn't stop at first, I was small and weak, until one day soon after I cut his eye with my fingernail. That's when he finally decided to tone it down.
And yet when that happened, I wasn't happy. I thought I was a monster for putting him in the hospital.
I've talked to a lot of people from all walks of life, and I've come to realize that one of the main things that sets people apart in adulthood is whether they were loved as kids. Those that were, and those that weren't, might as well come from different planets. It's so bad I very much go out of my way to avoid the topic.
They: Yeah I didn't always get along with my parents.
Me: So... how often did they beat you up?
They: Oh no, they never beat me. But my mother criticized me a lot, and my dad moped, sometimes.
Me: :-|
They: I'm kinda traumatized from all this.
Me: So... where did you spend last Christmas?
They: Well, among other things, I visited my parents, of course.
Me (who has cut of all communication for many years): o_O
I’d urge you to give those who experienced a different upbringing than you the compassion you feel you deserve.
It’s all relative and our traumas are relative too, to act as if you’re trauma is more than others is unfair to them and yourself if you expect people to give a shit about yours.
I would come home from school and watch TV or play around online until dad got home.
one day he came home after I was online and ripped the phone cable out of the wall and whipped me with it until I was bleeding. why? because he tried to call home and ask if I wanted anything for dinner. I got the whipping for dinner.
I was 12.
from ages 13-19 I had elaborate plans of how I would kill him and get away with it. every time he would scream at me, every time he would beat me, I would imagine what it would feel like to cut off his arms and legs while he was alive.
at 20 I left home. I'm much better now and don't have such dark thoughts anymore.
he told me years later that he was afraid of me because of the blank look I gave him. I told him he had every reason to be afraid with the same dead eyes and left it at that.
I learned so many life skills during that time in my life, and honestly can say in an emergency scenario I have no barriers to killing someone. I also do well in emergencies and keep a level head because of the years of physical and mental trauma.
interestingly enough I've used my "stare" at work in an office environment when a manager was threatening my job based on interoffice politics. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him I don't play games like him. If I want something done, I'll do it myself. Then casually asked him what kind of milage he gets on his car. Dude was spooked and left me alone lol.
my point is, trauma can be a strength that can be drawn from like a well if you're in need of it.
If I want something done, I'll do it myself. Then casually asked him what kind of milage he gets on his car. Dude was spooked and left me alone lol.
I mean this with all the compassion of a father/mother/friend/aunt/uncle/grandparent/priest/rabbi, but this is not something to gloat about my dude.
when someone threatens my way of life for their own gain, it's not just an attack on me but my family.
if someone is willing to use fear as a tool they better be ready to have it used against themselves. I understand that, and I hope they learned the same that day.
I work well with others and try my best to work with anyone, but I'll be damned to sit back and allow someone to walk all over me.
When you hear your parents and sibling arguing in the house, and quickly take your phone out and open the dialer app "just in case"
Honestly feel this... Will say for how much being a teenaged girl sucked I did learn the power of gaslighting and peer pressure which helped a lot. My dad and mom were always brawling with my sister and after it got used on me by my peers I realized since my dad was a momma's boy I could always threaten to tell my grandma, my mom was a religious nut so I could always bring up the devil and as long as I rearranged their arguments as "you're the crazy person" they couldn't figure out how to say shit back and would go away. I mean....still got bullied in winterguard, but weirdly helped my home life.
(If you want to know my sister unfortunately died at 30 of natural causes, I'm practically NC with my dad and my mom found a religious cult who helped her with anger management so we're mostly cool now + she's no longer in the cult cause one of them claimed to curse her with a demon so worked out somehow...)
You tryina call CPS on your parents? Must be bad 💀
Replace mom with dad, and this is my childhood.
You don't know trauma unless you've been raised by a bipolar narcissist with anxiety and anger issues. My dad was a master at sucking all the energy out of a room and ruining the vibe with his selfish, fear-mongering bullshit.
👋 hello trauma sibling
Same here and it all starts with them opening a door and walking in. I hate that I still think about that feeling in my 30's.
Know how you feel. I'm almost 40, and even though my dad has been dead for 5 years now, the feeling still won't go away. The PTSD is so bad that loud voices startle me, and I can't use a computer if someone is looking over my shoulder.
My dad taught me how to lie and obsess over privacy so I wouldn't feel his wrath. I should be in therapy.
Nothing teaches you to sneak around better than an angry/violent parent. I learned how to walk around the creaky house at night silently and without a light on. Stay strong fellow lemmy 💪
my wife never understood how I could walk around our 100+ year old house without making a sound.
she brought it up one Christmas and my sister told her, "you know why that is, right? because dad was a light sleeper and would have beat our asses to death if he woke up."
it really put it in perspective for my wife hearing that from my sister and not just me.
I'm on meds now, and it makes the anxiety manageable.
I have done the same thing, freaks some ppl out being 6'1. Your sister was right too, light sleeper fathers = beating being had, which is an odd thing since that act would wake them up way more then a creaky floor. Glad to hear I'm not alone though. It makes me feel better knowing there are other silent walkers out there :) is the anxiety bad some days?
it used to be. my kids can be loud and I was constantly on edge. it became a problem when I started yelling at them. I realized I was starting to do to them what had happened to me.
After a year of trying I was finally able to get a Dr to prescribe some meds and it's been so much better. I'm not nearly as jumpy or quick to anger anymore.
feel like I can finally be a better dad than I had.
My dad treated me like a boxing bag for the slightest transgression.
I once squatted for an entire night. Squatted. Because at dusk, I was gaming in the middle of a room with a very creaky floor and then darkness fell. I was expected to be in my own room, and now I was trapped. Had to turn off the console as to not make any noise or quick movement.
Had my parents found out, they'd have flat out killed me, and that's not an exaggeration.
Oh, and apart from the constant physical and mental abuse, I was never allowed to leave the house except for going to school, and couldn't make any phone call exceeding one minute.
I got out of it eventually, but it took a lot of healing. My siblings' lives are still completely ruined, though.
Jesus, that's some monstrous behavior. Glad you got out, I'm hoping your siblings can do the same.
some of my earliest memories are lying in bed in terror waiting for the sound of my abusive fathers work truck to pull into the driveway. I got to where like a dog i could identify his specific truck as soon as it was in audible range. Sometimes I could pretend to be asleep and I might get left alone a while.
It's many decades later, I live in a very safe place and the patriarch who rules the roost here doesn't even raise his voice much less hit me. All the same i get a sharp spike of fear every time he pulls up in the driveway. It took me a few years of work and therapy to be able to stay downstairs and not have to flee upstairs when he got home.
It's shameful how many people's first bullies are the people they need to look to for safety. It really breaks you.
"save the traditional nuclear family" my ass
if i had the chance to flee home as a teenager and live somewhere else, i absolutely would have done. even if it meant living among strangers.
I had a similar reaction when I heard our garage door open when my father got home.
Man, my poor daughter.
This was her life. When her mom died she dealt with the guilt that followed her relief.
Having known her mom all of my life and seen everything she went through as a child, I wish some kind of ghost of Christmas past could take my daughter and show her so she can see that her mom wasn’t always like that. That at one time she was a little girl waiting on the day she could escape her own mom. At one point she was young and a lot like her.
I always figured they’d get it right when she grew up, but she never got that chance.
FUCK CANCER. Seriously.
You know the truth and you can keep that alive.
Had to have the landlord come and fix a relatively minor issue with our shower. About lost my mind making sure the place looked presentable for him to fix something he's responsible for. Trauma sucks
Funny story, this is one of the major reasons I filed for divorce.
That... wasn't funny at all!
Maybe they were married to a clown?
Why were you married to your mom?
Insert “deliverance” banjo music here.
Got you
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Have you ever told a funny family story and everyone around you recoils in horror?
Like when our dog died, my dad tanned the hide, wore it as a cape, and played with the other dog?
Sounds like that qualifies.
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I guess this is only funny if you were not abused as a kid.
Ehm, I think the abuse is the joke. But the coming home part is just a stereotype (apart from drinking). The abusers I experienced become violent if slightly provoked or just randomly.
I had a roommate that asked me if I was funny or had a happy childhood.
This is how I knew I didn't live in a happy home. My brother and I got along well when our father was not around. (I wouldn't say he was an abusive father. Just not a person anyone enjoys being around for extended time. He's an ex military man who's life was too rough for anyone to come out happy. And emotionally cold.)
Pretty much same here, but dad was a cop. And not emotionally cold, which made it probably a different kind of fucked up. (Got both the I-love-yous and the getting-taken-care-of and the familial-physical-proximity, but then also got the "I'mma teach you by screaming at you", "insulting and shaking you when you fail", and the "SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE NEWS" during dinners.)
I'm pretty sure this is one of the reasons why today, as a grown ass adult, I just wish to stay at home by my wholesome / with the SO and never call my friends and family. I'm just content... nay, I'm hanging to my calm and peace with my life, to the point of it being a problem.
This. And my family is like, why do you never come around???
Spend 20 minutes with them, "you still dating her?! We think dating outside the race and a trans women... We just don't agree."
Me "whelp, This has been fun. I'll see yall never."
We had a long driveway. I quickly learned how to position myself to be able to see out the window and prepare before being seen.
That was also around the same time I learned how to quickly make a bug-out bag, a bit of cryptography(My dad and I had a code language, just in case), and just how far I can be pushed before physical response is my only response.
There isn't enough therapy in the world.
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The key enter the front door, and shit's about to get real.
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