No Stupid Questions

Besides all the good advice in the thread, about condoms:

He should be somewhat comfortable with putting on condoms, he has to train that before it becomes necessary. There are plenty of videos explaining it, let him find them and check them out on his own terms. Let him know not every brand fits every man. He will need to overcome the awkwardness of buying them in drug stores or supermarkets, if he finds it awkward at all, he has to get over himself and do it. A possible motivation could be that if girls can buy their period products, he can buy his dick wraps.

I find it very commendable that you think about this problem!

By the time you are 14, you have probably figured out everything about yourself. Tell him what girls want and think at his age. When i was a kid, my friend was dead convinced that all girls prefer anal sex, cause "that doesn't hurt". He based that, I assume, entirely on porn he had seen.

This may be weird, but honestly I wish someone had just given me a copy of “she comes first” (a good book I still use today), and an Adam and Eve gift card. The last one I’ll give you one good reason: it’ll be a lot better if he’s fucking a toy than having sex as a teen. It’ll also make it a bit of a training experience, a lot of guys that age just want to know “what it’s like”.

Plenty of good advice in this thread.

I'm gonna shout out the boy version of the book "what's happening to my body?"

https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Happening-Body-Book-Boys/dp/1557047650

It was super helpful to me in puberty, even with trusted male figures. It's written from a non-judgemental, information focused space. It also let's him has some way of privately seeking knowledge that isn't just whatever he finds on the internet

He probably has more of a clue about what happens with dudes than with women. Which you could tell him about.

Oh, one thing. If he's circumcised he probably uses some kind of lube to masturbate. It might not be condom compatible though. So if he has sex and they use lube because they've heard it hurts less then they could break the condom. That's not commonly discussed. I don't think you have to discuss how silicone lubes aren't great with sex toys.

Then you should probably talk to him about hurting during sex. Foreplay should be nice enough that you could do it all the way to orgasm. Whether it's a vagina or a butthole it shouldn't hurt by the time you put an erect penis in there. Taylor Tomlinson has a bit about how growing up Christian was good for her sex life because it meant she did everything up to "the deed". And porn, as others have mentioned, has a tendency to skip those bits. And kissing is also foreplay!

Speaking of comedy, Jerry Springer did a bit about him watching a laundry commercial for a product that could also remove blood. And he jokes about how he isn't a serial killer so why would he need that. So tell your son a bit about sanitary bins, pads that don't always get everything while you are sleeping, stuff like that. It's not scary and he shouldn't be Menstrual Guy ally supreme but he needs to be told things he can't experience himself.

Always knock before entering his room

Lots of great replies, just want to add that if he's uncircumcised and you haven't covered the topic yet; washing under the foreskin is important hygiene. Same with washing his ass while we're on the topic of hygiene.

I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:

Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.

There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.

I know this is going to be a very awkward conversation, but you have to understand this: he will be finding and watching porn, and most likely already is at 14. Don’t shame him for that. In any way. Let him know that you know, and that it’s normal, but that’s it important to think of it like it’s just the movies. Cos that’s what it is.

There are books for children on this. Lots of them. Read a few and pick ones that fit your values. I suggest providing a few.

He is hearing information already. Much of it wrong.

John and Hank Green's CrashCoarse is about to release a new sex ed series. I watched their whole computers series and thought it was fantastic.

I never received any kind of talk from my parents. Also, in my home country, during the communist era and even after, sex ed in schools was taboo. Crazy thing too, since it had (and still has) one of the highest teen pregnancy numbers in Europe.

Anyway, I did not want that with my kids. Luckily where we live now there is a strong sex ed program in schools, but also at home, we were always open. We talk about sex casually, we reiterate "always ask for consent" and "no means no", and my son even ratted out one of his school buddies who's a Tate fan. He knew that what the guy was saying was wrong, so they don't hang out anymore.

Also, sexuality. One of my daughters came out to us over dinner, so casually, "dad, I think I'm gay". I just said "cool" and gave an awkward fist bump.

Just be open, casual, don't make things weird.

When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. That was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.

I think the two big things I have to add are:

1. Don't let the church educate your son on these things.

2. Don't say nothing.

If you're unsure about talking to them about these things yourself, seek out a man you trust, talk to them about it and make sure your values align, and then talk to your son about them together.

If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don't ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)

That's about all I can think of that's gendered, really.

I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it'll be helpful to do the talk and show that you're available as a resource.

In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I'd frame it as "I'm sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what's important." It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don't set his expectations on it, it's people faking things for money.

Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it's not necessarily about what he's going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.

Then, I'd just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he's unsure.

It's awkward and tough I'm sure, but it'll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!

Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.

There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for 'protein'. Wash cold.

Erections at random times will 100% happen. It's expected.

Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.

Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.

For real, go to a library and ask a librarian for help.

They'll have various books aimed at different levels of maturity and reading levels. Get a book, read it yourself, then ask him to read it and talk about what you learned.

Honestly, the majority of key points to talk about can be found online from respectable sources (for example, this article from Johns Hopkins, though there are many others). There is a better than even chance he has shady looked up the "Is this normal" stuff himself if he has normal internet access.

From a social standpoint it's going to be different for everyone, teenage years are hard and kids are often cruel. I'd advise to just be there for him on this front, but don't be pushy. He is going to be moody, lash out sometimes, and act differently. That is all normal. He is going to want to push boundaries and get in trouble (rather do things that will get him in trouble, most folks don't actually want to get in trouble). Give him safe room to explore who he is and to try new things without letting him fall down too hard.

Lastly, you say there are no trusted male figures in your life, but that doesn't have to be family. Good friends can also fill that space. I have to imagine there is some guy in your life that could have heart to heart, even just with you to then talk to your son. It's worth trying to broaden your expectation of what a trusted male figure is perhaps.

My parents didn't really give me a talk, where I live we have pretty comprehensive sex education in school that starts at 8/9 and finishes around 14/15.

At 13, maybe he's already been given some kind of education about his body (especially since he already shaves and has already probably had wet dreams and discovered masturbation). Do you know what he already knows?

Family isn't going to work for you, but do you have male friends or work colleagues you trust enough to ask for advice?

Here's what I wish people had explained to me when I was approximately your son's age and which should cover most of what he's going through:

(I am assuming your son is heterosexual. If he is not, then you have to change this somewhat, but I can't help you with that very much because I'm heterosexual myself.)

You probably noticed that for a few years now, when you look at or think of girls, your penis gets hard and much bigger; this is because you started puberty. That is called an erection and is a completely normal thing to happen; it's your body telling you that it would like you to have sex with that girl. Erections will immediately go away when you ejaculate, which is a completely normal and very pleasurable thing to do. You can ejaculate without having sex with anyone by masturbating, that is, by rubbing your penis against your hands or some other object. It helps to think of beautiful girls when doing that. I have no problem at all with you doing this and you will never get in trouble for doing it or asking anyone any questions about it, but I insist that you do it when no one is watching, preferably in your own room.

In this day and age with the internet, I doubt there's much he doesn't know about in terms of how it works.

I would pull up statistics on stds and on the cost of raising a kid. Explain to him that almost 1 in 8 people have herpes and it never goes away, and how teen pregnancy really can fuck up future opportunities.

As a father, I didn’t even know what to do or expect, we’re all messy, gross, and dumb at that age. The path I chose, was if they knew enough to ask a question, it was time for a discussion. Just pay attention, offer a safe environment for questions and be honest. Most of what they need to learn the world with teach them. Be there to fact check and maybe even learn together. Last tip… WE made biology gross and taboo, WE can make it less so for our kids.

First things first, I'd suggest looking into Big Brothers, Big Sisters if you're in America. I've been a part of their program and it's a great organization dedicated to helping kids exactly like this

OK, onto real advice: it sounds like you're a woman and one of the things you need to address early with young men is respect. He will become significantly stronger than you very soon. He will have a ton of hormones pumping through his body. He is going to become dangerous to himself and others. He will be curious about how strong he is. You have to make sure he explores that safety. This is something all men go through and it's important to have a good foundation or he can start spiraling down bad paths. You need to police his internet usage, his friends, and his role models or he could very easily start sliding into anti-women and abusive views

If he's not enrolled in any sort of physical activity I would encourage you to find one. He's going to have basically unlimited energy and channeling that into sports is usually better than the alternatives. That's also tricky because you need to pay attention to the leadership of those activities to ensure that they are good influences

Now the fun stuff: he is going to be hungry for the next 5 years. If you haven't grown up with boys it's hard to understand but he can eat 6000 calories in a day and barely notice. My family used to order 2 pizzas when I was a teen, I would eat an entire one and they would eat the other. I'm not exaggerating when I say my average food in a day was a full continental breakfast, 2 deli sandwiches, chips, a dessert and a soda for lunch, an after school snack (usually leftovers), a large dinner, and dessert. I'm not a fat guy, nor was I in school. You will likely think at some point "he can't possibly be eating that much food" and I assure you that he can

Ultimately what is important is that you have to build a good moral foundation for him. You will lose the ability to control him and when that happens all of the work you've done raising him will reflect in the way he acts

In my region this is handled really well by schools. Parents don't need to worry about anything. Don't they do that in your region?

Have you reached out to his coaches/PE teachers at school?