I was doing so good, 10 months of clean pure carnivore. I had amazing results (45kg lost). I didn't have any cravings.

I feel off the wagon 2 weeks ago. It started innocently enough - A friend visiting from out of town wanted to go to a coffee shop and eat. They had pastrami bagels, I got one, scrapped off the meat - didn't eat the bagel. It was good. Really good. I found myself ordering this pastrami bagel to my house. Slowly enough that I didn't realize it, my old carvings came back. I found myself thinking of a deep dish pizza, over and over and over again.

There must have been sugar in the pastrami, I think I got triggered. I got the pizza, rationalizing it - I've been so good, just one cheat will be fine, then back on track. I felt bloated, stuffed, sick even - for the rest of the day. But... the next day, now I REALLY wanted a pizza - Fuck it. Got the pizza, and coffee (oh, did I mention I quit coffee 5 months ago?), and rice krispie treats.

Fast forward a few binge days... I'm feeling both HUNGRY and bloated at the same time. I tell myself I'm in control, I just need to get it out of my system. I fast for one day. I feel back in control. So it's ok to cheat again... pizza again.

During this 2 week orgy of old habits - I ate a bunch of pizza, rice krispies, cookies (that I hated, but still finished). Eventually I stopped feeling bloated, I just felt hungry.

Serious things I noticed

• Constant cravings for old addictions
• Gained 2kg
• eczema came back on my hands
• pimple breakout
• acid reflux while trying to sleep
• old joint problem flared up, with constant pain
• eye floaters came back
• gym performance steady decreased
• gym recovery time went from almost immediate, to 3 days
• sauna endurance plummeted (I could only stand half the time)
• reduced sexual function

So why, why with these bad things, the constant joint pain, the acne, the eczema, the bloating... did I keep going on? When I ate I felt like I could stop it, but every day I told myself the next day. Tomorrow never came. The urges were persistent, just there constantly, I could say no... for a few hours but eventually I pulled the trigger.

8 days ago my friend came over, she has uncontrolled t2d, we both agreed to start getting clean the next day. I tried, she tried, we both couldn't do it... but I lied to her, I said I was being clean (or rather omitting that I had cheated on our pact). and the next day, and the next day.

4 days ago - I finally was able to stay clean all day. I was extremely triggered. Like a degenerate I kept putting food into my delivery app, looking at it, looking at different options - browsing my own food hookup app. I could have a Cannoli, it's been years since I had a cannoli! How about one last rice krispie, some fudge? Looking at my youtube watch history it was dominated by food, food preparation, more food porn. I struggled through it until the pizza place was closed, and I could hold off till the next day

3 days ago - The cravings were diminished, but replaced by a persistent longing - a gossamer hand on my shoulder turning me to old thoughts. It got bad, I almost cracked. Finally I mixed 75g of protein powder as a shake and downed it... Felt bloated, felt painfully full, but the food noise died down enough I could get past that day.

2 days ago - Mostly clean all day, I had the urge but if I kept busy I could ignore it. When I slowed down or had time to myself it came back. I was clean for two days, one last taste to set me up for success... I talked with my friend, we talked about the struggle, getting someone else involved helped.

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