this post was submitted on 11 Aug 2025
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The Onion and other satire w/ layers

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In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman’s breast exam.

Early this morning, Secret Service agents were seen whisking the president out of a Cabinet meeting and onto his Marine One helicopter after they received word that an attractive 27-year-old Army specialist had arrived at the Bethesda, MD medical facility for her routine cancer-screening procedure. Multiple commercial flights were said to have been grounded or rerouted to clear the airspace and ensure Trump arrived before the patient began to disrobe.

“I knew we were in a race against time when I saw the president’s eyes rolling back as he imagined this lady taking her shirt off,” said Trump aide Trent Dixon, who recalled how he prayed beside the president as they rode in the helicopter, asking God to keep the woman on the examination table as long as possible. “I kept telling him, ‘You’re going to make it, sir. You’re going to see those breasts.’” [...]

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[–] scout10290@sh.itjust.works 3 points 4 hours ago

They got the age all wrong. She is away to damn old for him.

[–] Davel23@fedia.io 48 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Damn it, all I saw was "Trump rushed to Walter Reed..." before anything else. Don't go getting my hopes up like that.

[–] Iheartcheese@lemmy.world 18 points 12 hours ago

Yeah but fucking seriously. My heart soared.

[–] Glitterbomb@lemmy.world 15 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

God fucking dammit. I didn't even finish reading the title, that first half got me bad

[–] Smeagol666@crazypeople.online 2 points 10 hours ago

Me too! I thought the pedo motherfucker finally kicked it!

[–] NoForwardslashS@sopuli.xyz 25 points 12 hours ago (2 children)

You can tell it's satire because the woman is at least 10 years older than he likes.

[–] Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works 7 points 11 hours ago

And at the same time, she's at least 10 years too young for insurance to cover a routine mammogram.

[–] bacon_pdp@lemmy.world 7 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Don’t you mean 20 years older than Trump likes?

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 points 4 hours ago

40 years older. 55-65+ women

[–] diykeyboards@lemmy.world 13 points 12 hours ago

Damnit. Had me in the first half.