Autism

I was like "I'm pretty sure that's autism" and then I saw where I was.

I discovered this year that there was an unspoken rule to get on the bus in the order you arrived at the bus stop at. I had never paid attention to this and just got on in order of proximity to the door when it stopped until I got yelled at. I thought the guy was just being weird but I’ve paid attention since and it is absolutely true, people will move away from the door to let people who have waited longer board first.

Not sure how universal this is, I’m in the UK.

I'm bad about watching others in a not very graceful way. I end up staring for to long and it gets weird.

Whenever you're in new situations, it's ok to not know how to behave, you never did that before and, unless someone walked you thru, you won't know about hidden rules. Like the first time doing a job interview, or the first time going out on a romantic date. The difference is that in some settings, everyone is so used to everyone "knowing" that they really can't fathom someone not knowing

Funny bit, I recall a piece on the local TV showing a tourist (I think he was German or French) who visited Brazil for the first time. He went to a self service restaurant, but just sat there, waiting for someone to give him a menu, for like 15 minutes until a woman approached him and asked if everything was ok. "Everyone" knows you're supposed to pick a plate and serve your own plate with the available food in these restaurants.

That is the normal human experience, I think.

I found a secret. Normal people also feel like this, they are just better at reading the ambient rules.

It turns out, if you project your own mindset with enough confidence, they will sync to your rules. No need to figure out the rules, when you've already redefined them to suit yourself.

As a kid I didn't know you need to press the stop button and just assumed the bus stops at all stops every time. Somehow I got through 2 years of regular use without missing a stop until I learned about the button.

This peaks when the police drives by.

Am I actually allowed to sit on this park bench?

Worst case is when there are some written rules, but there's a spoken agreement (which you don't know about) to ignore some of those rules

Yes, this is normal. It's how being. Part of a society works. Everybody learns the conventions at some point and often just by mimicking.

Very relatable. Being afraid of doing anything new because I'm so sure I'll mess it up and do it wrong or get asked something I'm not prepared for. Same reason I want to try and research things as much as possible beforehand. It's not as bad as it used to be for me but I definitely still relate.

I went through this learning the same example: bus. But other situations, too.

One of the rules I find interesting is that when you ride an elevator you should turn around and face the door.

Enjoy your autism mate

Ughhhhh, this drudged up a painful old memory.

When I was in elementary school, I went to a sleepover. One of the girls was Jewish and brought out a dreidel. I didn't know much about dreidels, but I did know I have a tendency to miss important cues and could easily offend somebody by accident. She offered me to play, but all I could think about was "this is an important object to her and her religion. If I fuck up, I'll definitely be offending her."

I was terrified of doing something wrong, so I declined to play.

Turns out, that was the biggest fuck-up of all. She immediately started accusing me of being anti-Jewish. I was overwhelmed and confused, and no amount of explaining my reasoning could push away that accusation.

Anxiety strikes again.

It's not a fear, it's real. Rules like you aren't allowed to do better than your paygrade.

Some stupid diploma is more important. If you try to learn and improve, people will DESPISE you.

Holy shit. Went to a Japanese restaurant. In Japan. Despite close to a decade of martial arts training and dojo etiquette, I stuffed up and placed ONE foot on the tatami surface while wearing shoes for 2 seconds. The other patrons gasped.

My sensei would yell at everyone who ever did it.

I cannot overestimate how much you need to prepare for being in public.

Someone once remarked to me that I'm "good on the train". That's because I used to get near panic attacks on where I should be standing, sitting, where to stack my bike, and if someone else needed a seat.

Even now I'm constantly adjusting my position at every stop like a slowly neurotic madman to give people space and walk access because I'm terrified of blocking anyone

Nah. I fear uncertainty. I am 100% certain there's going to be some social norm I don't know and that everyone around me just groks.

Yes. So very yes. I'm over 40 now and have most social situations set as templates or template variations, but as a teenager and young adult it was hard to get the unspokenly expected responses and reactions right.

These days I got it all covered so well that I have anyone and everyone so convinced that I am an extrovert that they actually laugh when I suggest I'm in truth an introvert and more.

I still am overly self conscious too much, especially AFTER any interactions, reflecting way too much on how I might have come over, seemed, what was too much, not enough, etc.

It's a mask I can no longer turn off as it's automated and its very exhausting.

But it works... Based on my observations.

Not autism but ADHD and social anxiety and I struggle with this so much 🥲

I've gotten a lot better with it though :)