this post was submitted on 14 Jul 2025
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Wish someone cared that I had a bad time, that I felt left out. I'm gonna die a third wheel. Being around people is triggering, hearing about people who have transitioned is triggering, I'm ready to run into the woods. Fuck all of this.
Am I figuring out neurotypicals
I'm supposed to be honest but also not overshare how fucked up I am even though that is honesty, I'm supposed to want people not to care if I'm any gender when I want people to affirm my feminine side, and I'm supposed to get people to help me without realizing that they're helping me otherwise they'll say "not on your life, squirt." Or I'm supposed to ask endless questions like I'm filling out a form, I guess, to get to know them::: spoiler not good, folks If it had been up to me, the right people wouldn't have left in the first place and I wouldn't have had to sit and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know if others are supposed to care. Maybe I just get therapy and transition and never tell anyone. But Hot Fuck it would be nice to have some sort of standard, or baseline, or average for what to shoot for, to start, for now.
It would be nice to have someone actively engaging with my problems because that's always what I've done for others. Checking in to see if they're making progress. Asking how they are. Maybe that's codependent and fucked up and gross and betrays boundaries. But it's what I want. Is it bad that I want some of the attention in my life to be unprompted? Am I a sinful beast for wanting the energy I have given to reciprocate in some recognizable form? Maybe I am awful for wanting that.
fuck
Like literally I might have to get worse to get better. I just don't see a path forward. I'm too old and too lacking. Do I really have to work this hard to find my people? Nobody else has to work this hard to get someone to have a conversation with them.I don't want to die but like there's no life so it makes you think
Kill Me
I can only really deduce that something is wrong with me because nobody will validate my concerns and that it's a reflection of me in some way. I am doing something to make people feel horrible when they talk to me or read my posts and they correctly decide that I suckDoesn't matter that I'm nonbinary or autistic, people think I suck for some other secret reason being kept from me I guess by everyone. Like I don't know what I'm supposed to be making of situations where nothing I do is actually enough to get attention.
I'll be honest, I thought someone would at least pity me. I'd accept pity under the right circumstances. I wanted mutual emotional support, but clearly nobody is ever going to want to talk to me about emotions or processing thoughts or anything like that and it was a lost cause from the beginning.
I see people every day who just connect and talk about things and have no anxiety and I want to be like that so much and I resent that everyone else learned and nobody taught me. They all know what I don't and they won't tell me. And I'm supposed to be strong. God forbid I find myself feet-up at the bottom of a creek in the mountains. I get less support because I'm suffering.
Like, I'll start speaking up, and I guarantee that it'll be a problem, and I won't give a shit because no one ever bothered to even try to help me work through this. I don't know how to justify taking blame for behavior that I perceive to be someone else's fault. Seems like the person who made me upset shouldn't have done that.
Maybe help the person you know is struggling, the person you know is going through something you went through, or something you can help with. "No, I'm gonna wait for him to have the idea himself to put down the razor. He'll talk himself out of it, I mean, he talked himself into it, could work" ๐ค
I'm genuinely confused as to why people don't notice and why people don't say more. Here and irl. It doesn't matter, obviously you decided not to care.
If you feel I'm out of line, let me know and I'll delete the comment
I don't want you to think we don't care. We do, about everyone here, including you. Let me maybe explain why I at least feel unable to help you in the sense of seeing your struggles and supporting you emotionally.Your problems of being unable to connect to people are valid, and you're far from being the only one here. What I feel makes it difficult for us to reply is your rejection of others. You want someone to care, while at the same time you say you can't bring yourself to care about someone telling you how great the show is they're infodumping about. It's alright not to want to watch this particular show, but the point of forming connections with others is to appreciate what they're passionate about, and to be able to receive the same appreciation in turn for what you're passionate about. This goes beyond watching shows, naturally, and only applies if you want to form a connection with this particular person.
A lot of what you write reminds me of myself irl, and let me tell you, it's only gonna hurt you to think about yourself as having to get worse to get better. It doesn't work. You'll only get worse and worse, more resentful, spiteful, hateful even. I'm not saying you need to be all sunshine and rainbows from now on, but I really recommend being more vulnerable. The only way to form connections is to let some people see you emotionally honest. And that means trying with new people until you find someone who will be this open with you too.
It's give and take, and while I appreciate that you seem to have been hurt before, the only way this hurt will heal is if you try again with forming connections. You're not a horrible person. You're not unlovable. You're you, and you decide who you want to be. And I think you're a beautiful person to be around - here and irl. Let yourself be.
spoiler
My problem with holding space for others is actually that I've done it for so long that I guess I thought that someone would offer me the same. I'm inclined to stay quiet and listen, but I'm also burnt out from it, from listening to people so much and being asked so rarely. If someone asked me I would be so vulnerable. The problem is when I'm vulnerable people are consistently put off, but nobody will tell me how I'm supposed to phrase things in order to avoid that. I thought prompting others to ask would be better than just saying "Wow I want to die" devoid of any context. It gives other people the opportunity to help. I don't want to take someone hostage by talking about suicide or gender dysphoria and expecting them to care. That's a lot to place on others.If this were the first time this person was telling me about the show, that's different. If this person weren't consistently talking over me and others, that's different. People ignore and talk over me when I want to infodump, and then I have your infodump and my infodump that I didn't get to say still in my head and I haven't gotten to dump anything anywhere. But it's my fault for having too much going on in my head. I'm burnt out from being thoughtful and mindful of others where it isn't reciprocated. Like if anyone would just ask. me. direct. questions. surprise surprise, I'd answer.
My perception is that I do a lot for others by being polite and not talking over them and listening to them. Other people will just talk over each other and be rude and not listen and I always try to listen as much as I can so they don't feel ignored. This same space is not held for me, and that is what I do not understand. I have always tried to be there for others.
I don't really think people want connection unless they're explicit about it. Like to me that's something that has to be stated and established. I don't want to build something with someone in some vague situationship that just ends because it's not convenient. I want it to be mutual and intentional.
I'd also argue that me saying any of this is me being vulnerable. But watch, somehow I'm doing it wrong, or doing it in the wrong time or place, or something. The goalposts keep moving.
spoiler
Okay, this makes a lot more sense now with context. Yeah, naturally you're fed up with just giving and not receiving. Out of curiosity, when you're being infodumped on or people just talk and talk and talk, do you ask for their attention to what you want to talk about? And if so, how do you ask and what is their reaction?Just being there for others, with this politeness, usually doesn't lead to forming connections. What I've realized is the more you keep giving, the less people will give back. May it be attention or time or just the same basic courtesies you give them. The narrow line here is giving but establishing firm boundaries as to how far your politeness goes, and how much "being talked at" you'll accept before you leave. People tend to show you more respect for what you want and care about if you say "I'll listen to you talk about [infodump topic], but I also wanna share what's on my mind." It's just you taking up the space you need for yourself. If you do this, people who actually respect and like you and want to form connections with you will do so. I'm only speaking out of what I learned myself over the last couple of years, and I know it's precious little. It's also really hard to do this stuff.
And you are right about people being honest about forming connections. Only thing I'd add here is that sometimes, when you meet someone new, you don't know yet if you want to like this person or not. So people need time to get to know each other (this horrible thing called small talk), and that's when this decision starts to be made. Once they're sure, which comes from actually spending time together when the vibes are right, they will be more straightforward. It's a game of patience and a lot of rejection, and I'm not sure there even is a surefire way to find the mutual and intentional connection with others.
Hope this helps you a little bit and doesn't come off as a lecture. Let me know if I'm getting you wrong.