this post was submitted on 14 Jul 2025
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My favorite conspiracy is that no one killed JFK. His head just did that.
It was Maxwell's demon!
Are we sure it wasn't a pre-existing condition?
An insurance doctor would say that unironically
The issue is that he didn't get that pre approved (we could have got it in network if he did)
Cue Sarah McLachlan music.
For the price of a cup of coffee per day, you could help prevent Spontaneous Presidential Cranial Disassembly.
SPCD affects many of us.
Cut to Mary Todd Lincoln
“Worst play ever. Also my husband was killed. ”
—-
Seriously though, JFK tried to do some good things. I’d be curious to hear the tankie response. Probably something about the Cuban missile crisis.
Are you sure he was not a macho womanizing stud, who conquered the moon?
You don't have to be curious anymore. You can summarize the entire argument rhetoric into, "Supported america in any way/shape/form, therefore bad. Must immediately dismantle imperial hegemony of terrible capitalistic empire.
What hyper tension does to a mf'er
Being dead?
Of course, the idea that the President’s head can just explode for no reason in view of the public, and by implication, so can anyone else’s at any time, is far more existentially terrifying than any assassination plot, so, to avert mass panic and social collapse, the FBI hurriedly framed some local weirdo, and then killed him before anyone could flag that he probably had nothing to do with it, which is the only reason why everyone’s life savings still had any value afterwards.
So in Seattle last week there was a man who accidentally shot himself in the leg while driving his car. He called 911 because he obviously needed help, but tried to tell cops that he was shot by a stranger while driving. They asked why there were no entry holes in his car, and I think he went to jail for being a dumbass.
Anyway, how do we know JFK didn't accidentally shoot himself and then try to cover it up because he was so embarrassed.
My theory is that one of his security details turned around to ask him a question and accidentally shot him in the face like Marvin in pulp fiction
There is actually a theory that he was shot by accident by a secret service agent trying to return fire.
lol this is the best theory I’ve ever heard. Except they would have shot him like three times by accident. Then they go to Nixon’s house where he is complaining about his wife’s coffee.
I would pay to see that movie.
Did you notice a sign in front of my house that said dead president storage?
Because he was in a convertible. Obviously the bullet(s?) could have come from outside of the car. Checkmate Zapruder.
He froze the back of his head off from those cool southeasterly winds
Comrade, this was a sunny day in Texas.
*smiles in russian*
Is that what your intelligence agencies told you?
I took physics in high school, so I'm basically a qualified expert. I can confirm that quantum mechanics tell us that this is possible. Exceedingly unlikely, but possible.
The satistical chances of every single atom in your body just randomly dispersing and you vanishing is not 0. Just a very, very small percentage.
The statistical chances of only a spot on your body doing that is near infinitely more likely than the first scenario tho.
The statistical chance using our current models and understanding.
We have never observed such a large amount of atoms dispersing through quantum effects simultaneously. There may be some process we are unaware of preventing this.
Which is to say, there is a non-zero chance the chance of this scenario is exactly zero.
From what i know its also possible for a hand to phase through a table but even if someone would slap a table from the start to end of the universe it would be unlikely to happen (i forgot the thickness of the table)
This is why it's important to listen to the eyewitnesses. Their perspective might not be perfect, but it's authentic.
He moonlighted as a drummer for Spinal Tap.
Nonsense - they were The New Originals in 1963.
I indeed have read somewhere a long time ago (i think back in Usenet days) the conspiracy theory that JFK INDEED was not killed but this whole thing was just a stunt to push his political agenda further and let him retire in peace (you know, like Elvis did).
Too bad both of them had to be called out of retirement to fight mummies.
That's an SNL joke that made it's way into Family Guy.