fakenews

Earlier today Elon Musk who goes by Kekius Maximus aka xX88Memelord88Xx declared a maim war against everyone who woke up while claiming he could single handedly take down everyone and send them down the path of exile. Things did not go according to plan for Mr Musk though as he was found screaming for almost an hour covered in his own blood and tears as the emergency swat police took him away to safety.

According to the statement given by the police, Zack was found by his mother. Preliminary investigations suggest he had slipped on the remains of a rotting carcass, seemingly that of a rat, falling face first onto his desk's edge fracturing his frontal lobe and parietal bone. His body was found to be drenched in what appeared to be moldy coke, however further investigations to his untimely death are pending. Fans of Zack speculate on the possibility of foul play, a setup perpetrated by the "woke left", however these wild accusations are largely unfounded.

RIP BOZO NOW MY YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATIONS WILL BE CLEAN

Today I learned about the suitcases of dirty laundry he brings to the U.S. The U.S. is quite literally Netanyahu's laundromat.

I ate too many of the microchips in the server so they're kicking me out.

Why did they make them look like beans tho?

"It was his idea, stupid kid, we hate him - don't we folks?" Trump told the crowd at his Bedminster Estate.

"Barron Trump, radical loony left-wing activist, probably hates Israel too, it was all on him. I had nothing to do with it. I didn't even raise him, he's not my kid, probably Elon's." the President continued.

At the time of this article Barron Trump cannot be reached for comment as he's under secret service protection.

The president suddenly took over the controls of the aircraft during his flight today to Tampa. The cockpit voice recorder picked him up screaming out "THE TREATS ARE OGRE" as he angled the plane toward the pentagon then jump out at the last second with a parachute.

The building suffered massive damage and 69 generals are believed to be dead. Meanwhile the president stole a car on the interstate near Miami and is on the run heading southwest towards mexico.

@Melina@hexbear.net big news!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77bnsN6SCPo

Snow White herself told TMZ via her jail phone call she "wanted to go down in a blaze of glory after being epically owned and exposed by the based alpha male, Youtuber Critical Drinker". So she decided to steal a cop car and go on a crime spree which ended with her being detained by a swat team after a deadly shootout in which the Snow White star gunned down 47 officers with a sawed off machine gun.

"I'm actually really normal, I love being an average normal with my normal life". The embattled editor in chief of Fake News Times GayTuckerCarlson is refuting claims of aggravated posting, which could land the disgraced former Fox News host to spend a minimum of 15 years in Hexbear federal prison if found guilty

"I have percs, molly, quaaludes, whatever you need I got it" said the broadcaster after being approached by a Newsmega reporter. Carlson is in a fraught legal battle, fighting for her freedom after being accused of making terrible posts and also drunk driving. "This is not true. Lets be clear, every post Ive ever made has been good, more than good, inspiring"

"History will absolve me"

Fake News Times was first launched in 1942 as a newspaper for troops serving on the front lines of WW2 to provide entertainment and news from home. Languishing in obscurity, Falsche Nachrichtenzeiten, as it was known at the time, was purchased by the powerful Melina Media Group which owns other international news outlets such as The Times in the UK, Australia's Sky News, and holds a large minority ownership of the Hexbear flagship media forum News Mega, LLC. When asked why this seemingly illogical purchase was made in 1992, famed CEO Melina Soprano stated "I'm inventing vapes so I can take a hit off my vape instead of answering this question".

Prosecutors allege that Carlson has made several bad and low quality posts over many years in internet journalism, which is a crime in Hexbear territories after the passing of the Crown Criminal Law Reform Act of 1998. "The Royal Policing Service takes all cases of low effort posting seriously, and we will prosecute Tucker Carlson to the fullest extent of the law." said an unnamed Hexbear official, citing fear of retaliation from crazed online fans. Under oath during a pre trial hearing, lawyers for the embattled editor stated that Carlson was willing to sign an affidavit affirming her normalness, including ending all claims of homosexuality. "This has nothing to do with the case. Ma'am, will you please just enter of plea of guilty or not guilty to driving while under the influence". "My penis is normal too" retorted the high profile defendant before judge Carcosa called another recess.

Haha got ya April fools!

Echoing reminders of Tumblr's ban on adult content in December 2018, Texas internet users are once again feeling their sexuality erased as PornHub makes a deal with third-term governor Greg Abbott to reopen the website in the state with strictly safe for work content. Starting in March 2024, the website was previously banned in the state, as a result of the threat of heavy fines during a lawsuit by the Texas attorney general over non-compliance with a recently enacted age verification statute. The statute has been appealed to the Supreme Court, expected to give a final decision on the case in late June.

Supporters of the move included evangelical churches, and online groups such as the anti-sexual celibate group known as the "Volcel Police". A spokeperson for Texas attorney general Paxton referred us to the attorney's previous Tweet reading: "In Texas, companies cannot get away with showing porn." Reached for comment, the Volcel Police reportedly thanked the attorney general for support of their mission.

Far-left Internet users reached out to condemn the Volcel Police with the anti-police slogan "ACAB", popularized during the George Floyd protests. The move was also contentious in the LGBTQIA+ community, including among sex-repulsed asexuals, some of which watched videos on the site for the first time, even while holding sex-positive views wishing that others should be able to safely express their sexualities on the Internet. At press time, users reportedly wondered if the safe-for-work videos were an April Fools' joke.

Country singer and convicted felon Brace Beldon found dead by Vatican Swiss Guard after shooting the embattled tech ceo for "attempting to give the pope a second round of double pneumonia". Swiss Guard say they opened fire on the controversial professor after he stated his intent to travel to Rome

"Brace [Beldon] was on stage about preform a new melody" said embattled Witness Robert F Kennedy Jr. "And all of sudden these two Nation of Islam guys walk in holding guns. [Brace] Beldon rose his hands up and said "be cool brothers" but they just [expletive] shot him".

Beldon was take to the nearby Des Moines Gay Men's Hospital Children's Wing and was declared dead 30 minutes after arriving. Doctors says they made heroic efforts to collect the embattled congressman sperm, which has already been sent back to Beldons native home country of TacoBell-Israel-PizzaHut

Embattled Mayor of Des Moines Lou King said of the shooting "We thank the officers of the Swiss Guard for keeping us safe from Prussians, and ask that everyone in the community please come together in this trying time."

UPDATE: The witness in the article recanted his statement after being informed he had just witness the death of celebery fitness influencer Brace Beldon, and not embattled Civil Rights Activist malcolm x

Leavitt who's not shy about showing off her Christianity gave a shout out to the megachurch after screaming at CNN's Kaitlan Collins in tongues and proclaiming that beef tallow cures "the gay".

The church is now launching it's own crypto currency #TALLOWCOIN.

[update 6:00 pm est]

TALLOWCOIN has turned out to be a scam as confirmed by X.

Adams was seen boarding a Turkish Airlines flight earlier today. When asked for comment, he replied, “Istanbul is the New York City of Türkiye.”