JD_Vyvanse

ahahahahahahaha this is so funny after what i just said two posts earlier ahahahahaha

another promising relationship flushed to self sabotage

oof yeah that sounds really ass, i had in mind more stable employment WFH and idt i'd trade what i have rn for what u outlined above. my ex partner also used to WFH but the corpo she worked for worked her to the bone and drained her dry, would also prefer my current job over that. but sometimes i look at my tech project manager/email job friends and i can't help but be like even though they're just tryna live their lives and they arent doing anything wrong lol

so once ur ready to change shit abt yourself & u've found someone cool and compatible is the secret to unlearning avoidant/anxious avoidant type bullshit just kind of brute forcing it? i.e. just like Doing The Thing of direct-but-caring-and-charitable communication and sitting with the Sudden Fear Chemical Feelings til they pass over and over and over until your brain unlearns its bad habits?

tryna do that rn and it's kinda ass but it's also kinda lit at the same time, very dialectics

i never want to dump on other working class ppl for getting the bag in the most tolerable way possible, but man i envy WFH mfs sometimes. my job actually has to be on site for logistical reasons but there's also a lot of downtime, if only i could use that downtime to go for a walk, read, write, play a game (anything fun &/or enriching rlly) rather than internet drift. one of the big barriers in the way of my internet detox/moderation efforts.

fell off it at about the 1/4 mark, want to pick it back up cuz it was really good but life just doing a bit too much life-ing & i can't find the space for it. i'm also afraid of how i'm gonna feel reading the later parts...

heard a rumor that the workers at my first job outta college are gonna go on strike, it's a shitass greenwashing recycling nonprofit. good shit, that job expected you to eat so much shit with a culty smile on poverty wages, peak NGO brain. hope my union siblings-in-spirit get the fukin bag.

the omnip[resent suffocating feeling living deep inside the darkest & stupidest timeline also doesn't help

got irl community, close friends, comrades, and a nu-boo (all great) but the fact that i spend 1/3 of my waking life wage laboring still got me feeling depressed as shit near-constantly & my job isn't even that bad

dey say there's like a separateness between tha self and the otha....but do dey know that for shore?? i mean they'd have to measure all tha different pawts of reality tuh know that, and not even computahs can do all that shit.

(this is a very much work-throughable issue for me i like to do a little exaggerated half-joking as a treat it helps me vent)

it's actually normal (and maybe even friggin cool as fuck????) for ur reptile brain to scream at u to bail on a relationship at the first sign of conflict, disagreement, or less than perfectly mess-free vulnerability. no i will not research attachment theory no i do not know what avoidance is, i am not a nerd & have therefore never researched anything in my LiFE & wisely avoid learning new woreds like the plAGUE!!

happy to hear! i know easier said than done (speaking from firsthand exp) but comparison really does no one any good, romantic relationships & intimacy are about personal joy & happiness for the individuals involved which is going to look very different person to person, including dating timeline.

but i get it tho, when i'm single i can't help getting a little jealous of my friends who have more success on the apps or are sluttier than me (even though i don't even usually dig casual sex! but idk there's a certain fomo there and definitely some dumb internalized Male Bullshit). and even if you've already been in a relationship, it can be hard to imagine/believe in the next serious bond in that way until that person happens into your life! so that's super normal even across experience levels.