It seems the solution to all your problems are:

• Big trucks
• Suburban sprawl
• Privatized healthcare
• Rabid anti-communism
• Christian-fascist leaders

Two nuns are riding their bikes back to the convent.

One nun says to the other, “I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”

And the other one says, “It's the cobblestones.”

Soda Maker at home.

They need to be cooled anyway before being drunk, so the beverage has some time to relax

A backpack would solve this. Our bodies are suspension, so just put anything shake-sensitive in your backpack while driving home.

The worst part is becoming accustomed to fresh, high-quality food and espresso within 100m of every human at all times.

Also, OP, why are you having "American Breakfast"? Where's your croissant?

If you shoot your finger against the side (like shooting away a cigarette bud) several times, then slowly rotate the bottle around it's axel while it's standing on a table several times, you can safely open them without them squirting all over the place. It truly works, also with shaken soda/beer cans.

What I do with these groceries is put them in a bag on my back or in my hand when cycling. The rack is for other stuff like veggies and other stuff that can handle the shaking or might get shitty when stuffed in a bag.

But you have a nice rack on your bike. Although it looks hard to take anyone on the back, unless they stand upright.

Ha! I needed baguettes, got two and tossed them in the bike basket, feeling so European, until one loaf bounced out and was run over by a car, at which point I felt oh so American!

Would have been fine if you bought real food/drink.

Shaking does not affect this the way you think it does. You'll be fine as long as you wait like 10-60 seconds after shaking vigorously. The liquid and gas pressure inside will reach equilibrium, and no matter how much shaking you do, it won't degas further.

Also, keep in mind that it's mostly temperature and surface area that causes soda to degas (fall out of solution).

Fun fact: this is why paper straws are inferior to plastic straws for drinking soda, because paper is insanely more porous than plastic, and causes rapid degassing of the soda inside of the straw, rather than in your mouth, throat, and stomach. (There are other reasons, too, but this one is often not considered by most people)

This is why you need aomwthing with tank treads. Like a tank for example

that's a first world problem if i've ever seen one

As someone who's lived on a cobblestone street before, it's nice to look at, but a lot less functional than asphalt or concrete. Especially trying to walk home from the bar with a few drinks in you.

Cool them down and let settle before opening. Should help.