The world seems to be shrouded in evil. I feel helpless and desperate in my own life. I crave small acts of kindness.
But it feels like the vast majority of humans are either evil, or passive/complicit. I wonder if Calvin was right, if we all fundamentally depraved and evil.
My president is a rapist. Children are being deported. People are being sent to a death camp.
I know there were protests. But is anything changing? Even if a miracle happened - I have to live with the fact that people supported this man.
I’m trans and live in a place where most people voted for this. They want trans people dead. They want immigrants dead. The friendly old lady at the 7-11 cheers when she reads that a democratic lawmaker was shot; the church pastor is in a Facebook group where they talk about how much he would like to shoot trans women.
I stay alive to fight. I get bursts of dopamine from sex and alcohol, which gets me through most days - the promise of release at the end. I did have weed, but my license expired and I probably can’t get a new one until a few months.
I wanted children and a family and a house. I wanted a career in a field I loved.
I sleep on a pile of patched blankets and pillows I make with thrifted stuffing. I own two chairs. I’ve worked really hard all of my life - I worked multiple jobs to get through college, I work multiple jobs now. I don’t have insurance and I’m going to have to skip seeing my shrink until school is in session again and I can make a little more.
I’m drowning in despair. I’ve been drowning in despair. Where is there hope in the world?