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Nearly ODD, addiction, ptsd, new shitty therapist, break up, losing my job - what to do? (feddit.it)

submitted 2 days ago by dontblink@feddit.it to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

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Hi, I'm a 26yo male. 2025 probably have been one of the worst year of my life, I broke up with someone I loved a lot (after 6 months of relationship), I left my old therapist because he wasn't helping me anymore to seek help from another one that is just unavailable and dishorganized, I might be losing my job (because of my mental health and instability of myself and the job itself), last week I almost killed myself with xanax, lexotan, ketamine and alcohol. I blacked out 2 days. I'm heavily addicted to porn and couldn't quit after 10 years of attempts.

My therapist told me I might be having PTSD from childhood trauma, my mother was suicidal for a period of time and almost killed me one time by trying to threw me off of a cliff.

I have to take a decision before next week if keeping this job or to leave, which I cannot do for sure because I'm too fucked up and dissociated. In the peaks of my dissociation I struggle talking as well.

My new therapist was unavailable last week when I said I was suicidal, and wasn't available after my attempt, she just asked "how are you now?" From WhatsApp. This was my first attempt and it came after 5 fucking years of therapy and spent on my mental health which at this point I think was useless.

My last breakup lit the fire up, and it slowly and painfully destroyed everything around and inside me, but I'm not even disappointed at the breakup itself, I'm disappointed at the fact that I took it as the end of the world and have to start everything all fucking over again every single time, from the abyss of suicidal depression and addiction. I'm disappointed at myself mostly because I'm the way I am and I cannot bear anything without destroying my life and the life of others.

I feel consumed in the depth of my bones, fragile, needing some real rest from myself and the world.. I think there's a point if bipolar people spend a lot of time in bed, they are exhausted, I know that feeling, it's just their body trying to compensate, a biological response to their tiredness.

My only hope at this point resides into psychedelics because that's the only thing that actually did something for me, and I think I'm planning to take some LSD and face all of this once and for all. I would like to do this with a therapist, but it's hard to find one that does this and even harder after changing 2 of them already. But as I'm scared to do this alone and having a guide would be far more effective, I will try harder.. It's just that this whole situation feels unbearable and I don't really know where I'm going.

Today I also had the desire to take benzos like last week, but I knew it would end up in another SA.

I don't even know what I need.. To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home.. I would just want to sleep for 3 weeks..

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[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Hey,

I feel all of this. I have C-PTSD, Massive Depressive, and ADHD. I'm 37 years old today.

My 20s were just as hard as my childhood, if not harder.

I understand even an end to a short relationship can still be gut wrenching. But I'd like to focus on your statement: "I don't even know what I need.. To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home.."

This resonates, and is likely tied directly to how you were brought up.

What happens with children who grow up in chaotic environments is, well, it's all we know. We don't know what it's like to be stable, and chaos is comforting. At your age I would say, stability is boring and for squares, I'm not a square why would I want stability? Shits for boring old people, I want yo be free. Normal is boring.

Thus I unconsciously sought out chaos in my life. I partied on weekend and weekdays alike and would go to a minimum wage job hungover, I would do risky things. But if a professional told me my behavior was risky I would get offended. I just wasnt living thier perfect life, I'm living my life. What did they know? They probably had parents who were awesome and supported them, and they became fucking squares too. fuck that shit. Again, I wanted to be wild, impulsive, free.

What I didnt realize, I was trapping myself. I was giving myself anxiety with drug use (alcohol, weed, LSD, mushrooms). Mostly the alcohol probably was the worst for this. I was living life with my emotional brain on high drive. Drugs and alcohol put your emotional brain as the leader over the logical.

If you can take off work, it might help. I mentioned I job hopped, and would take a month or two off between jobs to recuperate. I didn't start therapy until I was 32. It took me 6 therapists and four years to find one I like. I've now been with her for over two years. I have to keep going because my son, doesn't have PTSD, thankfully, but does have ADHD and ODD. ODD is really hard.

I will be depressed for the rest of my life, it's up to me how I deal with it. My mother was on so much medication when I was a kid, and I even tried killing myself at 19 by taking a whole bottle of her Seroquel and sleeping for three days. When I brought it up to her that I did that nearly a decade later, she denied it ever happened. But I assure you, my best friend had just died and I gave it a go myself. But because of the way my mother used her pills, I don't want any ssris or anything like that. I've invested in myself to do the work. Thats not right for everyone, but this was my choice.

One of the most profound moments of my life, I was 26. I was in a new town, and trying to make friends. Went to a concert to meet up with a person I met. They blew me off. I took 3 shots of vodka before heading in, and when they didnt show up I got piss drunk alone. I blacked out. I came to sitting there with the venue owner and a cop. I apparently told someone I wanted to crash my car into a tree and kms. I had run into people I knew there, and instead of talking to them, I went self pity, got drunk, and was pulled out the concert by ambulance. Embarrassing. I ruined the connection I could have had that night. But reall the moment was in the hospital. Once i realized i was stuck in the paych ward, trapped, I looked to one of the staff and said, "oh like youve never ever thought about killing yourself". This bitch says, no, I haven't".

I sat the fuck down and realized I needed to chill if I wanted out. I don't know why it never occurred to me that yes, there are people in thos world who dont live with death always on thier mind, with constant insufferable pain. They did the assessment in the morning, and I cried to her, because you see At 26, I had another best friend die. I blamed myself. She wanted to hang out, I told her I was busy (I wasn't) and asked for uscto hang out the next night instead. She died thst night hanging out with idk who. Fentanyl laced drugs. She didnt do hard drugs. Anyway. I cried and went home.

I wanted to commit suicide that following winter. I went to the hardware store to buy rope. I ran into an old coworker I worked with before. He asked to help me find what I need and he walked me to the rope. I broke down right there and told him my plan. He spent the next hour and a half talking to me. That man saved my life that night.

It wasnt until I was 33, I quit drinking. I was never sn alcoholic, and could quit easily, but I definitely blacked out too often, and was using it as a cope.

Quitting substances to deal with pain, helped me a lot to get a grip on my mind health. I stopped drinking.. four years ago about, (quit LSD five years ago) and I still wish for death sometimes, the world is wild, but I also found things to live for. It happens far less frequently. Like went from twice a month to twice a year.

Please dont use LSD to cope. Ive used it a few times, but one bad trip you can ruin your brain, I've seen it happen to others. Please be careful.

I still smoke the reefer daily, and maybe once a year microdose on shrooms, key word micro. But only when I'm in a good headspace already.

But again, all these things are going to amplify the emotional brain, when we really need to engage the logical brain to get relief.

If you need to talk I'm here. Your story really resonated with me and I've been there. Maybe I could be an ear.

It can get better. I promise. We need to help you find better tools, thats all. You don't have to become some white collar square, you can still be an individual while finding peace for yourself.

Realizing the drugs/alcohol were putting me outside of my own decision making was a really strong indicator to me that I wouldn't actually be free until I let go of them. I was trapping myself in my depressive state using them.

Ill chat with you if you need

[–] dontblink@feddit.it 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Thank you so much for this.

I also feel I resonate a lot, I also have a similar feeling for pharmaceutical because my mother have been on SSRIs for years which made me want to avoid those kind of medicines in all ways.

I do also microcose, I've done it for 2 years and it helped last time alongside therapy. Now I recently restarted and it does help but I feel like the problems are definitely more rooted than what a microdose can solve on its own.

But I hate having to need this stuff, I hate having to need a therapist, and I hate that 5 years of therapy didn't "repair" me at all.

Actually I don't take drugs that often, all the year round I'm a healthy freak because I do whatever I can to maintain my mental health, and I hate seeing that this isn't enough. And by this I mean swimming 2/2.5km 3/4 days a week and doing yoga 1/2 times a week + cycling almost every day to work. I hate seeing that if I miss a day, I'm at risk of making the whole castle crumble down.

But when I do, I can very easily lose control, that's why I stopped drinking when I was 19.. For me drinking == being hopelessly drunk.. I can manage psychedelics definitely better, but benzos are the same as alcohol if not worse. My therapist suggested me to take xanax "at need" and 5 days later I tried to kill myself with it.

But of course I also have my very own kind of drug and my sexual addiction, which completely destroys my will to be with others at times, my sex drive, my phisical ability to bond, gave me ED, and it definitely facilitates isolation.

It feels bad hearing about what happened to you and to your friend, it must feel terrible to lose someone important all of a sudden. I had a cousin dying for heroin. The "irony" is that both of her parents (my uncle and my aunt) were psychotherapists.

I had my old therapist threatening me with a TSO (obligatory sanitary treatment) when I admitted I wanted to kill myself. I know what it can feel like to face the possibility of being taken away by an ambulance, even tho I of course cannot know how it feels because I never experienced it.

In my own head my childhood was always a great childhood, that's why I didn't understand why I have symptoms which resonates with people with cptsd, I think maybe that wasn't so great after all.. Maybe I tried to hide it? My brother turned out to be looking fine, he can study at university and work, but he is also doing drugs (coke included) periodically.

I sometimes think I'm just a vicious child who never grew up, being morphed by being the stupid nerd I was when I was younger and never developing social skills. But there must be a reason why for me it was so hard even after trying so much, why relationships can feel so painful and hard. Why I've always felt like I was "external" to social situations and people around me felt fake all the time, why sometimes I felt outside of my body, why sometimes I would freeze, why sometimes being so angry I can break stuff..

Yes it's crazy for me as well to think there are people who never thought of killing themselves, it's just like they got a free winning lottery ticket.. For long times in my life I felt it was something normal, that I was just not adapting enough to these kind of thoughts. But yeah even if you consider the lack of purpose in our society, all the issues etc I don't see everyone wanting to kill themselves.

For psychedelics healing I know there's a good evidence for them working well in therapeutic contexts, I will see if I can recover the relationship with my therapist and do that with her.. Otherwise I will try to find someone else.

It's just that I don't want to deal with this anymore, not just feel better: feeling like I'm in control, and then be taken down again and again.. I want this to end.. And it's encouraging when you see people who say a single intentional LSD trip helped them stop smoking or something like this completely after years, or something similar..

I know maybe I'm just overly attached to this, but the alternative (having to accept myself as I am and living with it) it's really too painful, too much.. And I do not want to be in therapy for 40 years as well..

Thank you thank you so much for replying to me, you've been more helpful than my therapist, it's good to talk with someone who understands.

[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Honestly some of your stuff reminds me of my husband.

Bu all accounts he had great parents growing up. It didnt help him though, well at least not for a time. He struggles hard with depression and what not, and he'll tell you even today, sober, healthy, in a good place, he still thinks it's all pointless, nothing matters.

Thats the thing with mental health, your right, it doesnt ever end. There are good days and there are bad days. The ebb and flow.

I think you have a healthy self awareness (something so annoying when therapists tell you this, i know lmao i hate it) but truly thats the first step. And it sounds like you already know.. "having to accept myself as I am and living with it) it's really too painful, too much"

It is a painful process. It may be painful and too much, but you don't have to do it all in one day or even one year. I cant see the comment at the moment, but I think you said you were about 25. You've hopefully got a whole nother 25 years to go to get to 50. Thats your whole life again, and even then death can hold off for even more years. Life is long.

With self awareness you may find more value to life as you age, I know I certainly have. I definitely love 37 more than I did 27.. and that's because of growth. Growth thst doesnt happen overnight. It really feels like you just have to drag yourself through the motions year after year.. compounding to what is your lived experience. It's difficult as fuck. It doesn't feel fair or worth it sometimes. Fuck I procreated. I wasnt supposed to being another kid into this world to habe to deal with the same mental bullshit I do. A kid who didn't ask to exist, but now hates himself and struggles, and will forever, just like me and many others. Learning to help him manage himself has given me great insight. Best I can do is support him in ways I never got.

Pain of today could be the growth of tomorrow, and I know it sounds corny but its true. I don't subscribe the idea trauma/pain "make you stronger". I do think it can help one become smarter though. Understanding oneself is truly the first step to acceptance. You're on the path of this aready just based on this little chat.

"Why I've always felt like I was "external" to social situations and people around me felt fake all the time, why sometimes I felt outside of my body, why sometimes I would freeze, why sometimes being so angry I can break stuff.."

I keep a very small, and smaller as I age, social circle for this very reason. I can clock a superficial person a mile away. Dissociation is isolating, to be a person in a room full of other people and to just be there, and still feel isolated and alone, even in a room of smiling people. Honestly, I think it's just a neurodivergent thing. I'll remind myself, statistically, someone in this room, probably feels the same as I do right now. I'll take comfort in that.

You ever get mad the sun is out? On bad days I'll just be upset its nice out, and I dont want to enjoy it. It's almost like its pressure, "its nice out so im supposed to go out and be cheerful. But I can't, and it leads to feeling like a failure.

It's important to remember in these moments to be your own friend. If a friend was sad like I am right now, what would I do for them? And then I do it for myself. I've even done the corny shit and imagine hugging myself as a scared kid, letting me know to myself, I'll be there for you. Just that has gotten me out of panic attacks before.

I mentioned my husband because he did a lot of therapy from 17-28 years old. Like a lot a lot. He took a break and went back during covid for a bit (he picked up drinking again, then got sober with the help of some programs) but has since dropped it because he feels stable.

You don't have to go to therapy if you don't need it. A year of quality therapy can do more than 5 years of shit therapy. I have to continue to go right now because my son triggers my cptsd, and honestly, I don't have a mom or dad to go to, so for me it's nice to ask a third party for advice, or to vent. Like today, I have had a really high level of anxiety these last few weeks, like way more than normal. I haven't been getting great sleep. I had an early morning appointment, and all I did was tell my therapist what was going on and I felt better, more in control. She didn't even really say much today, other than validated my feelings. Oh, and I got to save a lightning bug that was trapped in her office today, that cheered me up.

Sometimes just naming the problem is the relief itself.

Sometimes preparing yourself can help too. For simple example, I know that if say, it's going to rain all day tomorrow, I know myself enough that, for whatever reason, if my home is dirty, and its raining, I'll get triggered to anxiety, panic, anger. I don't know why im like this, but I know I am. Ive accepted this is who I am and can prepare for it. My family will help me prepare for it by helping to make sure the house is spotless the night before, and I can wake up calm, and enjoy the rainstorm.

Reconizing triggers and making adjustments to meet your own needs. This is not weakness but strength. Facing your demons is strength. Having vulnerabilities is not your entire being, it's okay to have some, nearly everyone does.

I don't know I'm rambling. I really hope you're feeling a bit better now. If you ever feel in a moment, feel free to message me here. I boarder on chronically online.

I dont know much about porn addiction, other than I did one time date an alcoholic who had it, but was unaware and unwilling to make changes. We broke up about it. I mentioned in a different comment yesterday to a prompt, "have you ever been called a feminist in a derogatory way" and yeah, that dude, because I asked him to not warch porn while I was providing him sex. I asked him not to film me. So he told me I was a feminist, and that's gross. Oh well. We broke up over it. He's now 43 and I saw him on a bike riding to work not too long ago, not from choice but his license was revoked from multiple DUIs. He told me he wanted to die by the bottle way back when. But he's not dead, and now has to ride a bike to work. Again, life is long, way longer than you think.

My son is 12 now and recently discovered you can look up dirty words on Spotify (his only non supervised Internet access). I had to take Spotify away, sucked. But we had a long talk about the porn industry and its affects on everyone involved, including its potential to be addictive and potential to ruin real relationships. It's very true. It sounds like you want to kick it? Draft yourslef a plan man. Treat it as any other addiction.

Im currently tackling my food addiction. Im in a good place now, what helped most was reading about it, reading about others experiences. What helped my husband beat his addiction to alcohol was SMART meetings (non AA support group). He would join groups across the pond and found it fascinating other men in another country were facing the same problems as him. It also helped him reframe his perspective because he heard stories that were way more fucked up than his.

Maybe start there? Instead of jumping in the therapy train if your not ready or not able to find a good one, try a specialized support group? They must exist for porn addiction by now, shits rampant. Start small, make small goals and work on them. Avoid dating. I never took this advice, not once, but if you can, I do wish I did avoid dating while I was going through it. It brought so much unnecessary pain, not only for myself but I caused some too. I absolutely wrecked a man once, it's nearly 15 years later and I still feel bad about it.

And also, I'll leave myself open. I'm nearly chronically online, nearly.. you can always reach out here and I will chat with you. I really wish you luck man. The battle is far from over. Youve the potential to find peace. Not happiness, not complacency, not the final day, but to find peace with yourself, I believe it because it seems you are already on the road there! So many people can't even acknowledge their mistakes, or their faults, but you can, and with that is power.

It is enough, you, on your own, are enough. I like that you workout, I love swimming too, it's the best. Keep leaning into those positives:)

[–] dontblink@feddit.it 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

My god you're being so sweet that my eyes are full of tears right now.. I really wish there was more people like you, someone who is there to listen and just give you kind words.. Thank you, thank you so much!

I feel like I'm definitely more willing to accept myself, or at least to do the best I can to feel better.

The thing helping me the most with dissociation is definitely microdosing, I don't remember if I mentioned it in the previous message but I did it for 2 years, than stopped, then started again a few weeks ago. It definitely helped me with being present in the moment, and turned me outwards rather than inwards when I'm with people. It's like it puts me in a "nonjudgmental" state of mind: I can have a shitty day, which usually would lead me into closing down and dissociating, but when I microcose it's like it keeps a door open for the things happening outside. Yes I can still feel like shit, and if I just go home and keep doing stuff that makes me feel worse, I will feel worse, but if for some reason I happen to be out and meet some friends, for example, I can just be there in the moment and understand what's going on, have a laugh, be there, feel normal. It's like it doesn't remove the feeling bad part, but it also leaves some space to the feeling good one. And I found that if it happens long enough, I just have to support the feeling good with the right decisions.

It's different from antidepressants: they just make you feel generally better whatever you do, both if you go home and binge eat your whole fridge, and if you're out with friends having an healthy and nice evening. I feel like microcosing is more helpful in making you understand what you actually need.

But also my experience with SSRIs is not that big, it's just a consideration.

It's definitely hard if you feel bad, than you keep feeling far away even in good situations, your mind feels like it's stuck in fear and chaos. When I broke up (wasn't microcosing) I did the best I could to accept, think and process the pain, but it just never stopped, whatever I did, for months. It expanded in every part of my life until I also lost the ability to enjoy pleasurable situations because I was numb and dissociated. And feeling like that was the normal thing for me until I was 22/23 or something, going out with friends felt like a duty more than something I could enjoy.

It's so true, once you decide to numb yourself from the pain, you just cut out happiness too, it's just a wide filter that wants to protect you.

But I've read in a book talking about trauma where the hypotesis of dissociation as a way to defend you from the pain was contested. The author says that dissociation main target is not actually defending you from pain: that is a secondary part which also usually fails actually, because the experience of dissociation is painful and scaring itself. Dissociation is the result of the meeting of parts of your brain which shouldn't have a contact with each other (like the need for attachment to members of the same species and the defense from predators). it is a disintegrations of consciousness, literally a broken circuit that the brain is not prepared to handle, and like a computer with a broken program, what the brain does is to shut down the system. Actually, he says, the brain feels the need to defend the body from the experience of dissociation itself, that's why we feel we want to step out from it and avoid it rather than using it as a crutch to ease pain!

In other styles of attachment, like the avoiding one, the brain actually succeeds in defending the body from pain by keeping people at distance for example. But in the dishorganized one, dissociation is the way attachment is managed, it's not just an insecure attachment, is the attachment itself that is broken.

I feel it's so good from you to be going in therapy to better deal with your son, and also definitely a very good thing you talked him about the bad sides of the porn industry and the potential for addiction, I wish someone did that for me when I was younger, and I also wish I could find someone supporting me with that, as you did with that man "you're not gonna watch porn if you are with me"..

Of course my porn addiction is something I wanna deal with, I've been trying to stop for 10 years! But what I've found out is that what prevents me to do it is these difficulties dealing with people.. The opposite of addiction is connection (and this is especially true for porn), but when connections are so painful it's so hard to say "this is gonna be my new life" and stick to it. I found out that in order to quit porn I have to aid my attachment.. But I'm to a point where I think I might prefer to take drugs but being with people if it facilitates it rather than being closed down and watching porn, this very solitary drug.

I read a ton about it and about the digital world in general, I ended up being a digital minimalist, and the only reason I still have an internet connection at home is because my family wants it, I would have banned it years ago.

I just can't help myself noticing how several people (like my ex) navigates relationships in a easier way, don't feel such a strong pressure when it comes to everything involved like competition, jealousy etc.. they can have relationships with many people, they can enjoy sex much more, we broke up and she already is in another relationship, while for me it's been months since I felt like even touching someone in a flirty way. And whenever I would be with one, I would probably feel numb and detached, because a part of me really doesn't want to be there at all.. But of course, since of course we were really similar, she had her own way to cut down pain: she was a heavy drinker and did drugs very often.. It's just that at least she could be physically with people at least this way...

The more I watch porn the more I feel sexually detached and (also physically) numb. But the more I seek attachment the more scared I become because all a new shitty world starts to come out, but the less numb I feel and I can try to rely less on porn.

That's why I think help groups like AA wouldn't help me that much, I focused a lot just on "quitting porn" itself, but it doesn't bring me anywhere unless I learn how to be with others in the first place, which is far more scary because it means it will take way more time and effort.

I feel like I cannot be with someone and really really liking her unless I live in a situation of insecurity and chaos mostly.

The people I've fell the most with were always people who would be very present and then very distant, and also kind of evil towards me, all of a sudden, or dangerous ones. My ex would say she would come living near me, and 5 minutes later she would say I had been too much at her place and she was starting to get tired of me. She kept me in this pendulum of super strong love (she said things nobody ever said to me) and super strong rejection.

She could say "I'm here for you" and then say "I didn't want to say I'm there for you, it's just dumb and you have to deal with yourself on your own".

Which of course kept me in the middle, and of course being in the middle means dissociation: she even triggered an intense episode once where I would feel out of my body, I felt like I was floating somewhere else, and everything around me, even her, was fake and distant, I felt like our bodies were just two big bags filled with sand. I had cried all night long, shifting from hating her so much I would take my stuff and go away and feeling the need to hug her the strongest I could, then at one point I stopped: I couldn't cry anymore, I couldn't feel, I couldn't do or think about doing, everything around me didn't have a meaning anymore, I was just turned off.

I would say it was somehow relieving from what I felt all the hours before, but it was also scary as fuck, I really felt like I was out of my mind. I thought:"shit this isn't normal, with this I've broken something, I've gone were most people would never go in all their lives, I don't think others feel like this in relationships, I feel like I'm on a drug".

I think there's a very clear reason if I'm attracted to these kind of people.. It's because I'm like them.. Another girl claimed the same with me, that I could feel very near, and then very distant all of a sudden or even just bad at her.

I think avoid dating is a great advice too, but also I'm so tired of being alone, I've spent so much time away from people and not enjoying my sexuality that the thought of being like that for even another month is unbearable. I've spent my adolescence and part of my twenties without being able to fully enjoy my sexuality, with having sexual experiences where I would feel numb, I hardly could even orgasm at times. With my ex I learned I can feel and I can be sexually present, and now I don't wanna hold myself back anymore. I want that.

If that means I would have to numb myself in other ways to be with people it's okay for me, I just cannot stand to be sexually numb anymore, or to isolate.

Switching my addiction to something else seems more doable than getting a real cure right now, but that's not of course what I want. I would want to just be fine...

You're right, the road is long, I just hope I can find my right way of being, but as soon as I feel stronger and I find myself in front of something difficult I just fall down again.. Everyrhing gets just too ontense. So a part of me doesn't even wanna try being stronger. Maybe therapy + microcosing will help me again in that, maybe macrodosing with a therapist would help me find a new faith and to actually be resilient to defend it, maybe changing my job will put me in a better place, maybe living on my own can also give me more tools, I really hope so!

I've written a lot. Thank you so much again for your words and your presence, you helped me.

[–] mosthated 2 points 2 days ago

1-800-273-8255

Also start looking for a new therapist. Having a good connection/trusting relationship with them is important.

Self medicating is most likely not a long term solution for your problems.