Hi, I'm a 26yo male. 2025 probably have been one of the worst year of my life, I broke up with someone I loved a lot (after 6 months of relationship), I left my old therapist because he wasn't helping me anymore to seek help from another one that is just unavailable and dishorganized, I might be losing my job (because of my mental health and instability of myself and the job itself), last week I almost killed myself with xanax, lexotan, ketamine and alcohol. I blacked out 2 days. I'm heavily addicted to porn and couldn't quit after 10 years of attempts.
My therapist told me I might be having PTSD from childhood trauma, my mother was suicidal for a period of time and almost killed me one time by trying to threw me off of a cliff.
I have to take a decision before next week if keeping this job or to leave, which I cannot do for sure because I'm too fucked up and dissociated. In the peaks of my dissociation I struggle talking as well.
My new therapist was unavailable last week when I said I was suicidal, and wasn't available after my attempt, she just asked "how are you now?" From WhatsApp. This was my first attempt and it came after 5 fucking years of therapy and spent on my mental health which at this point I think was useless.
My last breakup lit the fire up, and it slowly and painfully destroyed everything around and inside me, but I'm not even disappointed at the breakup itself, I'm disappointed at the fact that I took it as the end of the world and have to start everything all fucking over again every single time, from the abyss of suicidal depression and addiction. I'm disappointed at myself mostly because I'm the way I am and I cannot bear anything without destroying my life and the life of others.
I feel consumed in the depth of my bones, fragile, needing some real rest from myself and the world.. I think there's a point if bipolar people spend a lot of time in bed, they are exhausted, I know that feeling, it's just their body trying to compensate, a biological response to their tiredness.
My only hope at this point resides into psychedelics because that's the only thing that actually did something for me, and I think I'm planning to take some LSD and face all of this once and for all. I would like to do this with a therapist, but it's hard to find one that does this and even harder after changing 2 of them already. But as I'm scared to do this alone and having a guide would be far more effective, I will try harder.. It's just that this whole situation feels unbearable and I don't really know where I'm going.
Today I also had the desire to take benzos like last week, but I knew it would end up in another SA.
I don't even know what I need.. To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home.. I would just want to sleep for 3 weeks..
Im glad the last few days have been better, thats awesome to hear.
Im okay. I read too much news, and its kind of hard not to watch humanity fail ourselves, again.
Keeping small and cooking a lot this week. Cooking from scratch helps me to feel connection with my ancestors. That's the cope that's working this week.
I am really happy to hear the last few days are looking brighter for you :)
I know what you mean.. I'm always thorn between having to see the news to get updated and not wanting to..
I love cooking as well!! Tho lately have had less energy to do so, but I loved my last year self which would cook very good food almost every day!
As for me my main coping is doing lots of sports as usual, this week I've swam almost daily and I've been to play volleyball with a couple of friends, which felt super good! I'm also starting to look around for potential people I might like (it's still to early for me and I can feel it but it's good to have some curiosity at least).
Also I have some good news from my job (I will no longer need to work full day!).
Still having bad thoughts but they are less and definitely more manageable now, I'm kinda starting to build a sense now that I'm slowly getting trust back on myself and others. But it's indeed still hard and still a long road!
Have a good cooking session and a nice weekend!! Feel free to reach back whenever you want to!