this post was submitted on 03 Jun 2025
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My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.

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[–] morphballganon@lemmy.world 65 points 6 days ago

Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don't need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn't appreciate that, you can stop.

[–] scarabic@lemmy.world 35 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

Your choices, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?

Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?

You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel. “Wow dad you really hurt mom. That sucks.”

I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with Dad hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?

Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation that are in the middle somewhere.

You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.

I’ll tell you right now that your Dad has rediscovered sex after aging a bunch and perhaps feeling like he’d never experience it again. That is a powerful experience for him and he won’t easily cast it aside. If you value your relationship with him, I wouldn’t try to take that away from him. He’ll react like a dog when you try to take away the steak it’s eating.

But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice. He should listen to you if you think it was wrong. He should listen to you if you are upset that he hurt your mom.

If you really just absolutely don’t care about your mother or the cheating… I don’t know what to say about that. It seems pretty cold and inhuman.

[–] mic_check_one_two@lemmy.dbzer0.com 23 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (1 children)

No. Your mom is hurt, and probably feeling betrayed from multiple fronts. First from her husband having the affair, and now from you choosing to stay with him. But that doesn’t make her words accurate, nor does it make them acceptable.

She actually needs to be really careful in how she brooches the subject going forward, because this is a clear cut attempt at parental alienation. It’s a big issue in divorce proceedings; If one parent tries to alienate the child(ren) from the other, then the courts can step in and use that against the offending parent in the divorce.

Basically, courts recognize that divorce brings out the worst in people, and they don’t want children being caught in the middle or used as weapons/leverage. If it gets too bad, the court will even appoint a lawyer specifically for you/any siblings, whose entire focus is on your wellbeing. Because the court basically recognizes that during divorce, chances are very good that the parents will act out of spite instead of the child(ren)’s best interest. So to protect the kids, the court essentially appoints a lawyer to represent the kids.

That lawyer isn’t focused on which parent gets the bigger slice of the assets, or who pays alimony, except to determine how that would affect your living conditions. All that lawyer does is fight for your best interest. And when it comes time to decide who you stay with, your opinion does factor into it. They’ll weigh your opinion more heavily if you’re older, but it does play a large part in who ends up being your primary guardian.

Your dad had an affair, and torched the relationship your parents had. That sucks. But you’re not a bad person for wanting to stay with him regardless. Your mom needs to do some soul searching, and rethink how she talks about your dad in front of you in the future.

My dad was an addict and had multiple affairs. My mom never even told me about them until I was much older, and she did everything in her power to avoid talking shit, because she wanted to keep him in my life. The court wanted to totally end his custody, but she fought for supervised visits instead. Because she recognized that if I wanted to end my relationship with him, it should be my choice, not hers. And I respect the hell out of her for that. Because it meant that when I finally decided to cut contact, it was for my own reasons.

[–] KeenFlame@feddit.nu 3 points 6 days ago

What a dope mom, congrats

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 19 points 6 days ago

You're fine. Your mom has legitimate pain but she's no right to pressure you to end your relationship with your dad.

[–] steeznson@lemmy.world 23 points 6 days ago

You should do whatever you want to. Don't let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it's justified).

It's frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it's extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.

[–] LordWiggle@lemmy.world 10 points 6 days ago

Your mom shouldn't use you in the fight with your dad. This is something which happens often, but ends up traumatizing the child.

No matter the fight they have, they should always be there for you as a parent and leave their stuff between them. You are not a pawn, you're their kid. She's your mother, he's your father and nothing is going to change that.

[–] swordgeek@lemmy.ca 16 points 6 days ago

I have very very little respect for people who cheat in a marriage instead of getting out; but it is clearly not your mom's choice to make.

If you're closer to your dad, then stay with him. Explain to your mom that you're not trying to attack her, but choosing your own well-being first (as you should).

[–] 2ugly2live@lemmy.world 8 points 6 days ago

I don't think it's wrong for you to want a relationship with your dad, but it is weird that you kind of brush over the cheating. Your father had an affair, does that not affect you? You don't even look at him a little different? Do you not understand why your mom is lashing out or why she's as hurt as she is? Again, I do not think her request is reasonable, but this woman, from what I'm getting from the post, was cheated on, publicly enough that it was a big scandal, lost her husband, her home, and her son. While everyone is having a great time with the mistress, she's seemingly alone with no one in her corner telling her how what she went through was hurtful and offering her some comfort. You're like, "he's my best friend, so I don't really care, him cheating on my mother didn't change anything to me, it's not like he cheated on me."

Relationships are complicated. I don't know what your relationship with your mom is, but if she wasn't abusive and you do have some affection for her (even if she isn't your best friend), I would talk to her. Both of you should explain how you're feeling. Maybe she wants you with her because she thinks you like being around her as much as she likes being around you, maybe she thinks you two are closer than you actually are, or maybe she's nuts and is making one final attempt to control. But your mom as seemingly lost everything important to her by putting her foot down against cheating while everyone is like, "finally, she's gone. Just swap her out with a younger version." I don't know a lot of people who wouldn't be hurt by that.

[–] Freshparsnip@lemm.ee 12 points 6 days ago

What your dad did was wrong and it's understandable your mom would want to end her relationship with him, however that is between them and you should not have to end your relationship with him over it

[–] Pnut@lemm.ee 9 points 6 days ago

If you're close with your dad you can ask him why. He has to explain himself. It's likely he will explain things that he didn't want to. There is the issue. If they filed, civilly, for divorce and then this happened, I know it would still be upsetting, but he did things in the wrong order. You can love someone who's done something shitty. However, it's their responsibility to provide you with an explanation. Just don't make the same mistakes he did. Ever again. I'm so sorry. Please go out and get a nice supper. It might help.

[–] ComradePenguin@lemmy.ml 5 points 6 days ago

People sometimes cheat, not okay, but it happens. Most likely the marriage wasn't going so well, and he got some attention he wanted from someone else. Your mother is hurt and angry. But she does not have the right to deny your continued contact and bond with your dad.

There is no good reason mentioned in your post to end your relationship with your dad to end.

However, how the divorce is handled is more important in my opinion. If he in some major way makes sure she gets a bad unfair deal, then things are different. If he not only cheats, but also does not share in a fair manner, then he is really hurting your mother in a way that is harder to accept.

[–] KeenFlame@feddit.nu 4 points 6 days ago

I don't get how nothing changed for you? Maybe you're next if a hot new son comes along? Anyway, ofc she shouldn't demand that but it's totally understandable when you've been betrayed by your family. Really, go to her. She doesn't choose, but your dad is a major asshole that isn't honest with his closest people. It's not good for you to absorb that kind of life. It will punish you your entire life. Yeah. I'm giving you my opinion. You don't need to do what your mom says, but if you don't take care of her now she could be ruined forever. I don't know you, but I know that you deserve a better role model than someone that isn't man enough to admit he likes a younger girl. Also probably get you therapy. It is more important now than ever probably, and make sure your mom does too if she doesn't flip back. I'm not saying don't talk to dad anymore, but jesus christ he's got a new kid to be with, and you just got a job. I don't know your age but not stepping up now could be much more devastating than maturing too early. Just trust. People with no respect for themselves will never respect you and vice versa. You make tour own reality.

[–] Clent@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 6 days ago

When someone gives an ultimatum of "me or them" (a or b), the best choice is almost always never a. It is the least restrictive choice.

If there were an actual reason to not choose b, the best choice is likely neither.

I understand the argument that "she is struggling" but the moment they make their struggle your struggle they are choosing to spread the pain rather than deal with it. This is never acceptable in a parent child relationship, more so if the child is a minor.

[–] detun3d@lemm.ee 3 points 6 days ago

When you choose to forgive someone you're not necessarily forgiving their mistake. It's not condoning, it's giving someone another chance to do better. Forgiving and protecting against risks isn't mutually exclusive, it just takes more effort to do both.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca -4 points 6 days ago (1 children)

No you're not.

Cheating doesn't automatically make a person bad, it makes a person a human being. Mist people cheat, and I'd say that most "cheating sessions" happen without the spouse knowing. It happens and usually there are underlying reasons ranging from "he just really really likes sex" to "they never have sex together" to a host of other reasons. I don't think that the reason "he's an asshole" is the real reason, ever.

Having said that; even if your dad cheated just and only just because he wanted to be an asshole to your mom, that still doesn't mean that anything should have to change between you and your dad.

Your dad is your dad. Anyone trying to forcibly change that is raising a host of red flags.

I understand your mother feels hurt right now but if she isn't able to see beyond that hurt what your best interests are then maybe she is actually the problem, not your father.

[–] Fondots@lemmy.world 12 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Mist people cheat,

Assuming that's supposed to be "most people"

There have been a lot of studies on this over the years, and the data is of course easy to skew because a lot of people are going to be reluctant to admit to their cheating, or people having different ideas about what constitutes "cheating" but every study I can find that seems credible, it seems to hover at more like 25% of people cheat, give or take maybe about 10%

Even when you look for people who have experienced a partner cheating on them most of the studies I can find have it at below 50%

You can get into the weeds and probably find some cases where most people in certain demographics cheat if you want to cherry-pick your data a bit.

So no, most people don't cheat.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 1 points 2 days ago

Like Wikipedia says:

I'm sure studies haven been done, and I'd love to see them.

Where, though, what demographics? What types of people, men, women, rich, poor, what language, what culture, what ethnicity? All of those matter.

I can tell you right now that Muslims would probably cheat less, mostly because of less opportunities and the extreme punishments involved. Mexicans, on the other hand, different story. Having lived there for two decades in different cities over the country, having had friends in different layers, rich, poor, brown, white... I can tell you from personal anecdotal experience there that 80+% cheats or has cheated. You can meet a new guy and presume he has cheated or will cheat. Some guys cheat weekly, some women cheat weekly. There are fuck hotels within a 500 meter radius in whatever city you are. Cheating is also seen differently than in Muslim countries.

Yeah, loads of people cheat and if you really believe it's only 10% then I got a bridge to sell you.

[–] whaleross@lemmy.world 139 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (10 children)
  1. Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.

  2. Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.

  3. Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.

  4. You only have one dad, so it's better to forgive them. (I didn't forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I'm old and he is dead and that's that.)

  5. Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It's not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.

  6. Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you're stuck in the middle of other people's problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.

Hugs my dude. You'll get through this and so will they.

Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don't rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don't go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.

[–] UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works 34 points 1 week ago (53 children)

There's a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.

He betrayed family to get laid

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[–] Cypher@lemmy.world 44 points 1 week ago (2 children)

The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.

Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.

[–] jeffw@lemmy.world 4 points 6 days ago

It’s extreme if it continues. Lashing out emotionally in response to being hurt isnt that crazy.

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[–] Sentau@discuss.tchncs.de 38 points 1 week ago (10 children)

OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.

Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.

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