No Stupid Questions

1. Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.

2. Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.

3. Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.

4. You only have one dad, so it's better to forgive them. (I didn't forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I'm old and he is dead and that's that.)

5. Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It's not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.

6. Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you're stuck in the middle of other people's problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.

Hugs my dude. You'll get through this and so will they.

Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don't rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don't go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.

Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don't need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn't appreciate that, you can stop.

Your choices, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?

Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?

You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel. “Wow dad you really hurt mom. That sucks.”

I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with Dad hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?

Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation that are in the middle somewhere.

You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.

I’ll tell you right now that your Dad has rediscovered sex after aging a bunch and perhaps feeling like he’d never experience it again. That is a powerful experience for him and he won’t easily cast it aside. If you value your relationship with him, I wouldn’t try to take that away from him. He’ll react like a dog when you try to take away the steak it’s eating.

But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice. He should listen to you if you think it was wrong. He should listen to you if you are upset that he hurt your mom.

If you really just absolutely don’t care about your mother or the cheating… I don’t know what to say about that. It seems pretty cold and inhuman.

No. Your mom is hurt, and probably feeling betrayed from multiple fronts. First from her husband having the affair, and now from you choosing to stay with him. But that doesn’t make her words accurate, nor does it make them acceptable.

She actually needs to be really careful in how she brooches the subject going forward, because this is a clear cut attempt at parental alienation. It’s a big issue in divorce proceedings; If one parent tries to alienate the child(ren) from the other, then the courts can step in and use that against the offending parent in the divorce.

Basically, courts recognize that divorce brings out the worst in people, and they don’t want children being caught in the middle or used as weapons/leverage. If it gets too bad, the court will even appoint a lawyer specifically for you/any siblings, whose entire focus is on your wellbeing. Because the court basically recognizes that during divorce, chances are very good that the parents will act out of spite instead of the child(ren)’s best interest. So to protect the kids, the court essentially appoints a lawyer to represent the kids.

That lawyer isn’t focused on which parent gets the bigger slice of the assets, or who pays alimony, except to determine how that would affect your living conditions. All that lawyer does is fight for your best interest. And when it comes time to decide who you stay with, your opinion does factor into it. They’ll weigh your opinion more heavily if you’re older, but it does play a large part in who ends up being your primary guardian.

Your dad had an affair, and torched the relationship your parents had. That sucks. But you’re not a bad person for wanting to stay with him regardless. Your mom needs to do some soul searching, and rethink how she talks about your dad in front of you in the future.

My dad was an addict and had multiple affairs. My mom never even told me about them until I was much older, and she did everything in her power to avoid talking shit, because she wanted to keep him in my life. The court wanted to totally end his custody, but she fought for supervised visits instead. Because she recognized that if I wanted to end my relationship with him, it should be my choice, not hers. And I respect the hell out of her for that. Because it meant that when I finally decided to cut contact, it was for my own reasons.

OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.

Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.

The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.

Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.

You're fine. Your mom has legitimate pain but she's no right to pressure you to end your relationship with your dad.

You should do whatever you want to. Don't let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it's justified).

It's frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it's extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.

Your mom shouldn't use you in the fight with your dad. This is something which happens often, but ends up traumatizing the child.

No matter the fight they have, they should always be there for you as a parent and leave their stuff between them. You are not a pawn, you're their kid. She's your mother, he's your father and nothing is going to change that.

My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you're talking about.

I can't have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It's not like I'm taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn't gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.

I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.

I have very very little respect for people who cheat in a marriage instead of getting out; but it is clearly not your mom's choice to make.

If you're closer to your dad, then stay with him. Explain to your mom that you're not trying to attack her, but choosing your own well-being first (as you should).

I don't think it's wrong for you to want a relationship with your dad, but it is weird that you kind of brush over the cheating. Your father had an affair, does that not affect you? You don't even look at him a little different? Do you not understand why your mom is lashing out or why she's as hurt as she is? Again, I do not think her request is reasonable, but this woman, from what I'm getting from the post, was cheated on, publicly enough that it was a big scandal, lost her husband, her home, and her son. While everyone is having a great time with the mistress, she's seemingly alone with no one in her corner telling her how what she went through was hurtful and offering her some comfort. You're like, "he's my best friend, so I don't really care, him cheating on my mother didn't change anything to me, it's not like he cheated on me."

Relationships are complicated. I don't know what your relationship with your mom is, but if she wasn't abusive and you do have some affection for her (even if she isn't your best friend), I would talk to her. Both of you should explain how you're feeling. Maybe she wants you with her because she thinks you like being around her as much as she likes being around you, maybe she thinks you two are closer than you actually are, or maybe she's nuts and is making one final attempt to control. But your mom as seemingly lost everything important to her by putting her foot down against cheating while everyone is like, "finally, she's gone. Just swap her out with a younger version." I don't know a lot of people who wouldn't be hurt by that.

I get that she is hurt. To make you end your relationship with your dad is still toxic.

I get the feeling it's less about you then her wanting to hurt him as well.

Mate, first off he’s not your best friend.

Could anyone here imagine if their friends did something so horrible to their mother that they caused her to break down upset? I wouldn’t fucking go hang out with them afterwards, like fuck he’s your friend.

He is your father, and apparently a terrible one if this is the life lessons he wants to impart on his son that it’s okay to be an immature fuck and cheat over get a divorce.

Cutting him off 100% doesn’t sound right, but you have clearly chosen his side and to stand by him despite how wrong it is — you’re going to have to work hard to make up for your poor choice.

What your dad did was wrong and it's understandable your mom would want to end her relationship with him, however that is between them and you should not have to end your relationship with him over it

Most of the advice here has been good, apart from ~~one person~~ a few dicks who have an overly simplistic view of the world and think they have some moral authority

You don't know the details of your parents' relationship. You don't know how they behaved when you weren't there

Life is never black-and-white. This isn't condoning cheating, it's an acknowledgement that it's very simple to say what's right and wrong when you are on the outside

What's shit is that you are being put in the middle

The problem is between your mother and father and neither of them should expect you to take a side, but once again, life is messy and hurt people do things in their anger and frustration that aren't rational or reasonable

Time definitely helps, and things can take years to settle, if they ever do

It's unfair for you to be used as a pawn in their game. People who make demands and try to squeeze you with a "you're with me, or you're against me" aren't looking out for you, they're looking out for themselves

No child should be weaponised.

If you can handle the conflict, or potentially messy details, you can ask her why she expects you to abandon your father. She might come to realise what an unfair position she's putting you in

Either way, good luck, and remember that it's easy to judge, but there's a lot of truth in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes

Kia kaha

I feel you. I went through a similar ordeal 30 years ago with my dad. You should not be in the middle. It’s your parents business about their marriage. Therapy is good suggestion from others.

My bad advice for this situation would be for you to start planning on pursuing the mindset for independent living.

Don't let her use you as leverage.

A good mother will prioritize the wellbeing of her children over winning a conflict with her (ex) partner. It is completely unfair of her to ask you to pick a side or go no contact with your father. Hopefully she'll realize this once she's had some time to process her (understandable) emotions. In the mean time, best of luck to you!

NGL, IMO your dad sounds like kind of a piece of shit (based on the limited information available to me). However, at the end of the day he is still your father and it's not your job to punish him for that. That's your mother's lawyer's job.

Be there for your mother if you feel up to it (and you love her), but keep in mind that it's a parent's job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around.

You shouldn't cut him off on behalf of your mother. Maybe I'm projecting here because I've got a shitty dad, but I reckon your dad'll give you a reason of your own to cut him off soon enough. He's starting a new family with the affair partner and doesn't have time for you? The new affair partner doesn't like that you call her the "cheating slag" on your weekends with dad. Really there are plenty of reasons likely to pop up, no need to use your mothers excuse.

I am not a therapist. I'm guessing most people on Lemmy are not. Take anyone's advice with a grain of salt... including this.

People make mistakes. It's human nature for men to seek younger women because they are supposed to be more fertile. It's human nature for women to seek older men because they are supposed to be more mature and protective.

However, that's just thousands of years of basic instincts. We're more educated now. We are supposed to behave like advanced creatures, go beyond our primal thinking.

That said, if you have a good relationship with your dad, don't break ties simply because of his infidelity. Learn from his mistakes. Maybe help him understand what he did wrong. Your mom is angry because he broke a promise, a vow. She wants you on her side because she is angry with him and wants to punish him for it.

I don't know your mom or dad or their relationship. Maybe she was a perfect saint or maybe she was cold and manipulative. Either way, he shouldn't have chosen someone else before their relationship ended. It's just not right to hide something like that.

Typically, a man choosing a younger woman over their wife tends not to think with their brain, but with their lust. He could very well do it again in five ten years with someone younger.

Your mom shouldn't force you to choose, but you should definitely have some empathy for her on how their bond was broken. She is in pain. She trusted him and he failed her.

Hopefully, you will find some sort of compromise and balance. It may take time for her to understand. A long, honest talk might help the two of you get to that point.

Best of luck.

If you're close with your dad you can ask him why. He has to explain himself. It's likely he will explain things that he didn't want to. There is the issue. If they filed, civilly, for divorce and then this happened, I know it would still be upsetting, but he did things in the wrong order. You can love someone who's done something shitty. However, it's their responsibility to provide you with an explanation. Just don't make the same mistakes he did. Ever again. I'm so sorry. Please go out and get a nice supper. It might help.

Tell your mom you and her need to go to a therapist. Maybe a therapist can help to figure out how to move forward. Then tell your dad the same thing.

Maybe some of what was going on behind the scene will come out.

No one on lemmy will be able to give you a good idea of what to do or how to move forward.

I mean, look at what everybody is saying. Really read it. They’re all basically saying, make a decision without all the knowledge. There might one or two are saying something else, but I may have missed them.

Some are saying go live with your mom well that’s making a decision. That’s picking a side. Some are saying stay with your dad. It isn’t between you and your dad , it’s between your dad and your mom. But again that’s making a decision without all the knowledge.

Social media will give you a reactionary view in general. A therapist will sit you down and ask questions of not only you but also your mom and your dad. Then you have a better idea of what is going on. You may not have all the picture but at least you have an idea.

People sometimes cheat, not okay, but it happens. Most likely the marriage wasn't going so well, and he got some attention he wanted from someone else. Your mother is hurt and angry. But she does not have the right to deny your continued contact and bond with your dad.

There is no good reason mentioned in your post to end your relationship with your dad to end.

However, how the divorce is handled is more important in my opinion. If he in some major way makes sure she gets a bad unfair deal, then things are different. If he not only cheats, but also does not share in a fair manner, then he is really hurting your mother in a way that is harder to accept.

I think you should consider your mom is very hurt right now and my be overreacting by pulling you into the fight because of that. However, a cheater isn't a good role model and neither is the destroyer of marriages. She got that right.

IMO you should suggest a compromise, like staying with him, but berating him and his mistress from time to time and should also be transparent about it, so they know it's due punishment and a compromise for not leaving him.

There’s a lot of assumptions and excuses for cheating in this thread. Mum shouldn’t be getting involved in whether you see your dad. Dad shouldn’t have cheated on mum.

I don't get how nothing changed for you? Maybe you're next if a hot new son comes along? Anyway, ofc she shouldn't demand that but it's totally understandable when you've been betrayed by your family. Really, go to her. She doesn't choose, but your dad is a major asshole that isn't honest with his closest people. It's not good for you to absorb that kind of life. It will punish you your entire life. Yeah. I'm giving you my opinion. You don't need to do what your mom says, but if you don't take care of her now she could be ruined forever. I don't know you, but I know that you deserve a better role model than someone that isn't man enough to admit he likes a younger girl. Also probably get you therapy. It is more important now than ever probably, and make sure your mom does too if she doesn't flip back. I'm not saying don't talk to dad anymore, but jesus christ he's got a new kid to be with, and you just got a job. I don't know your age but not stepping up now could be much more devastating than maturing too early. Just trust. People with no respect for themselves will never respect you and vice versa. You make tour own reality.

Your mum is hurt and this is okay but the manipulation is not. As Judge Judy always said to divorced parents who tried to use their children against each other. , "You need to love your children more than you hate each other."

When someone gives an ultimatum of "me or them" (a or b), the best choice is almost always never a. It is the least restrictive choice.

If there were an actual reason to not choose b, the best choice is likely neither.

I understand the argument that "she is struggling" but the moment they make their struggle your struggle they are choosing to spread the pain rather than deal with it. This is never acceptable in a parent child relationship, more so if the child is a minor.