this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025

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586

‘I don’t date at all now’: one woman’s journey into the darkest corners of the manosphere (www.theguardian.com)

submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by HellsBelle@sh.itjust.works to c/world@lemmy.world

355 comments fedilink hide all child comments

To this day, she remembers the racing thoughts, the instant nausea, the hairs prickling up on her legs, the sweaty palms. She had shared a photograph of herself in her underwear with a boy she trusted and, very soon, it had been sent around the school and across her small home town, Aberystwyth, Wales. She became a local celebrity for all the wrong reasons. Younger kids would approach her laughing and ask for a hug. Members of the men’s football team saw it – and one showed someone who knew Davies’s nan, so that’s how her family found out.

Her book, No One Wants to See Your D*ck, takes a deep dive into the negatives. It covers Davies’s experiences in the digital world – that includes cyberflashing such as all those unsolicited dick pics – as well as the widespread use of her images on pornography sites, escort services, dating apps, sex chats (“Ready for Rape? Role play now!” with her picture alongside it). However, the book also shines a light on the dark online men’s spaces, what they’re saying, the “games” they’re playing. “I wanted to show the reality of what men are doing,” says Davies. “People will say: ‘It’s not all men’ and no, it isn’t, but it also isn’t a small number of weirdos on the dark web in their mum’s basements. These are forums with millions of members on mainstream sites such as Reddit, Discord and 4chan. These are men writing about their wives, their mums, their mate’s daughter, exchanging images, sharing women’s names, socials and contact details, and no one – not one man – is calling them out. They’re patting each other on the back.”

(page 3) 50 comments

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[–] N0body@lemmy.dbzer0.com 58 points 1 day ago

Davies was contacted by seven men over seven days who had all been scammed or catfished by seven different fake accounts that were using her images. She wrote an Instagram post to warn others and a BBC journalist got in touch, leading to her first documentary When Nudes Are Stolen. This was life-changing. “It was the first time that I had sat down with campaigners and experts who laid all those images out and said that what happened to me wasn’t OK,” she says. “No one had ever said that before. No one had ever said: ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ It was such a moment for me. It lifted the weight off my shoulders.”

Good Lord, that’s depressing. When people take advantage of you, it’s not your fault. What is this world doing to people?

[–] Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 194 points 2 days ago (14 children)

Any decent man who has spent enough time in locker rooms understands that ~30% of men are shitty people and of those, somewhere around half are probably violent.

Once you have a daughter or put youraself in womens shoes, you realize how terrifying those odds are for women trying to navigate this world.

[–] drascus@sh.itjust.works 25 points 2 days ago (1 children)

God I hate that you are right. I only have like one male friend because I legit had to distance myself from ao many other male friends who were just horrible people and I couldn't stand to listen to them anymore.

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[–] Lucky_777@lemmy.world 29 points 2 days ago

This is 100% correct. I have 4 daughters myself and an amazing wife. I see it almost daily. In the current landscape, it's even harder. My older female family members don't even care. They "got theirs" and could give a shit about women growing up in this world.

I will always defend women, and I patiently wait for the day a woman in my presence gets disrespected by some Chad, Andrew Tate loving motherfucker.

I'm here for all my human sisters, as we should all be equal on this planet. Fuck these men with no morals and no human equality compass. Scared of something they don't understand or what incels tell them to act like. Its madness and makes me sick.

[–] lazynooblet@lazysoci.al 56 points 2 days ago (10 children)

This is why when my daughter announced she was gay, I was absolutely thrilled. She gets to go on this new journey with the part of humanity that 1) can't cause a teen pregnancy and 2) much less abusive

[–] Mniot@programming.dev 69 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Though, do be careful because there are abusive same-sex relationships and sometimes it's even harder to get away because the people around you are telling you "but women can't be abusers!"

[–] user224@lemmy.sdf.org 11 points 1 day ago

Yeah, look at Facebook when there's news about some 13+ male kid who got raped by a woman. You'll get grown men saying how "lucky" that kid was, and that they wish the same had happened to them at his age.
But hey, other way around it's also often shit like "look at her clothes, she was asking for it, can't be surprised".

[–] TheCriticalMember@aussie.zone 34 points 2 days ago (4 children)

OMG I've witnessed so many abusive lesbian relationships. Women can be straight up psychos too, and are often a lot more calculated about it.

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[–] drmoose@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Dating in general these days seems like such a ugly slog I don't understand how people even find time to do something productive and play this dating game.

Feels like marriage is becoming very much desired again huh.

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[–] FireRetardant@lemmy.world 235 points 2 days ago (61 children)

I think part of why she didn't seen men fighting some of the shitty stuff online is due to the echochamber effect of those communities. Any resistance is downvoted, dogpiled with hateful comments, and maybe even removed by a biased mod. A lot of the good men who would defend in those comments don't even browse those specific forums because of how toxic and shitty they can be.

[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 126 points 2 days ago (1 children)

The good men aren't there and don't even know what's going on. I've used Reddit and Lemmy but have blocked the NSFW/NSFL stuff. There is no opportunity to denounce or report because I remain deliberately blissfully ignorant.

[–] Cryophilia@lemmy.world 23 points 2 days ago

If you happened to go in there and speak against them, you'd just be banned and have your post removed.

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[–] Olgratin_Magmatoe@slrpnk.net 106 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (10 children)

These are forums with millions of members on mainstream sites such as Reddit, Discord and 4chan. These are men writing about their wives, their mums, their mate’s daughter, exchanging images, sharing women’s names, socials and contact details, and no one – not one man – is calling them out. They’re patting each other on the back.

I suspect there is some amount of survivorship bias type thing going on here. The type of men to hang out in such places are the type that enjoy it, and as such would never call out such behavior. The men that don't enjoy such will tend not to come across such content in the first place.

So the first group just doesn't care, the second doesn’t see it in the first place.

There is also probably some degree of the second group of men acknowledging that trying to call out such behavior won't go very far. If you said "hey don't share this woman's pics" on 4chan, you're going to immediately get laughed at, ignored, and probably called a bunch of slurs. And then they'll keep on doing it because you told them not to. And that's in no small part because these places are puedo anonymous.

Men can't get away with such behavior as easily outside of the internet. Calling them out in real life is far more likely to go somewhere. However ther are caveats. Again comes the survivorship bias thing I mentioned. But worse, if done in real life and calling out that behavior backfires, it becomes a teaching moment. "Don't tell other men to behave decent or they'll ostracize and harass you".

It's a fucked up situation all around.

[–] Guns0rWeD13@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago

i can't fight every woman's battles for her, but i sure as shit can beat the brakes off anyone who fucks with a woman in my immediate circle.

[–] SoloCritical@lemm.ee 82 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Let’s not forget that the people that call out said behavior get banned and their comments deleted.. you can’t authentically claim nobody calls them out because you don’t actually know if anyone is or not.. because ban.

[–] metaldream@sopuli.xyz 11 points 1 day ago

I've called these assholes out on reddit to in the past. My reward was not only getting banned from their sub, but also getting auto-banned from a bunch of unrelated mainstream and progressive subs.

The idea that we can just go in and win an argument with these clowns is incredibly naive. I get the sense that the author didn't actually try to do this herself. Social media is specifically built to push people into impenetrable bubbles because the algorithms intentionally favor combative tribalism, which drives up engagement.

But social media is only part of the problem. We have bigger issues related to how we think about men, and how we raise boys, that drive them into this mentality in the first place. Toxic masculinity is not new, it's just been spread rapidly by technology.

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