this post was submitted on 12 Aug 2025
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Off My Chest

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No matter how hard I try, I just can't make my family understand I can't afford their lifestyle when I visit (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 day ago by spirinolas@lemmy.world to c/goodoffmychest@lemmy.world
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I live in a poorer country where I live with less than 10k a year. It's low but since my country is generally less expensive I can live (and vacation) there with some comfort as long as I don't go crazy. I'm a frugal person so I don't miss out on anything.

My sister and brother-in-law went to live in Europe and they are doing very well. Together they easily make 200k. I'm happy for them.

The problem starts when I visit. The country they live in is far more expensive than mine. It isn't always a problem since I don't have to pay for accommodation and cooking at home is sustainable. The problem is they always want to eat out and do expensive activities (for my standards). And they always leave out the price until it's time to pay since the price is meaningless for them. At first they would chip in until my brother-in-law started pulling "it's your turn to pay now". Imagine being given a dinner tab that is almost as much as your monthly paycheck.

Visiting has become stressing as hell, when I should be relaxing. I tried to talk about it, that eating at home would be more affordable for me, but they quickly go back to old habits. At this point I just decided it's not worth it to visit anymore and blow my year savings in a few days. They're not happy and, as much as I try, I can't make them understand how much money I make. They can't understand you can't buy 100 euro meals everyday when you earn less than a 200 a week.

It's also not much better when they visit our country but at least I know what prices to expect and since I'm home I can find an excuse to ditch them.

Maybe we have just grown appart and that's that.

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[–] Saleh@feddit.org 25 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

At first they would chip in until my brother-in-law started pulling “it’s your turn to pay now”

What? I have to fight my non white friends that they even allow me to pay the bill, despite making significantly more than most of them.

Tell them that if you visit, you have X budget for the entire time to spend. If they are willing to work with that, then fine. if they are not willing, then you cannot visit. It is as simple as that. You don't owe them your time, leave alone your financial security. If they cannot respect that boundary, then you have to draw the line.

I know this sounds harsh, but there is no other way, without endangering yourself. And it is not your responsibility that they live in a more expensive country. They have made that choice. And for all the financial benefit they are enjoying from that choice, having to consider the financial situation of guests from less expensive countries seems a rather small drawback.

EDIT: a thought that just now crossed my mind. is it possible that they are living over their own budget and try to impress you when you visit, but then falter as they actually cannot afford the stuff themselves, so they need you to also spend on the expensive activities? If you feel that to be the case you should also confront them about it and tell them frankly that you are not impressed by the money they have or claim to have.