this post was submitted on 18 Mar 2025
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When I was a teenager, I thought people in their 20's were the most attractive. Now that I'm about 40, I still think people in their 20's are the most attractive. It's hard for me to believe that I might ever be attracted to someone past retirement age, even when I'm past retirement age myself, unless the person is like one of those celebrities who look way younger than they are.

This isn't something I can comfortably ask most older people I know, but there's one man who admits that he isn't and one woman who is. Which is more normal?

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[–] Tower@lemm.ee 11 points 1 day ago (1 children)

As others have alluded to, your question requires a distinction: are you talking about wanting to date or wanting to fuck?

Romantic attraction is based on the full package. Yes, their appearance matters, but so does their personality, their hobbies and interests, their emotional maturity, their ability to hold a conversation, their experiences and worldview, etc.

Sexiness is just about physical appearance. How their body looks, facial structure, the way they do their hair, their posture and confidence, their clothes, etc.

I'm a dude, just north of 40. I think peak physical attraction is a woman who's 18-25, brunette, slim and toned, small to medium breasts, I'm not much of an ass man, etc.

But, I'm a middle aged dude. Would I want to date most women that age? Hellllllll no. My gf is 5 years younger than me and even that small of a gap has shown some differences in things like pop culture references and lived experiences. I can't imagine easily connecting with someone that young.

[–] ArbitraryValue@sh.itjust.works 0 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

I don't see how I could have a romantic relationship with someone I didn't want to have sex with. The man I mentioned who is no longer attracted to women his age does have a woman his age in his life who was his girlfriend when they met 25 years ago and the two of them still enjoy spending time together, but they no longer have a physical relationship although he does still have a sex drive. He's sad about this but accepts it as the way things are for older people. I don't know how she feels.

I can understand how you don't want to date someone a lot younger than you, although I don't have any personal experience with that - I've never had a partner more than a couple of years younger than I am. However, I'm a man who has had little in common with most of the women I've dated, simply because I have little in common with most women. (My hobbies might be crudely called "autistic".) Thus, for me dating has involved finding women I get along with surprisingly well despite having so little in common.

Maybe I also wouldn't enjoy the company of someone a lot younger than me, but the main problems I foresee are that (1) no one like that would want to date me and (2) even if I found someone like that who wanted to date me now then I doubt she would still want to date me when I was old as opposed to just middle-aged.

[–] DrainKikoLake@lemmy.ca 4 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago)

Aw dude, no, flip it around: I can't imagine having a sexual relationship with someone I'm not romantically entwined with. Real intimacy is about so much more than sex -- sex is part of it, but it's also about trust and openness and what you've lived through together... It's a whole package and you're focusing on one small aspect & not even looking at the rest.

I've been married 13 years. We're aging. I birthed three kids and my stomach looks bizarre now. We've got grey hair, we've both had a variety of body shapes and sizes over the years... our love has only grown and the sex has never been better. Don't take your friend's anecdote as something that happens to everyone. It doesn't. (You should talk to someone who works in a senior's home sometime; people our grandparents' age are still sexually active despite being pretty far from the bloom of youth!)

I agree with a lot of the other commenters that people in their 20s are nice to look and and can be fun to talk to but also seem like children to me at this point. I couldn't even imagine pursuing someone so much younger than me; mentally and in terms of experience we're way too far apart.

Ps. Don't look at who you're most physically attracted to & assume everyone feels the same way. I've always thought that men hit their peak around age 55.