goldteeth

and I am dismayed to report that white-out does not beat black hole.

Time Machine, obviously.

I wanna give a shout-out to the one other guy that answered that rock could be beaten by "Jeff, the Rock-Beater." And then also guessed that he could be beaten by "Steve, the Jeff-Beater."

From each according to his unga, to each according to his bunga!

Slowly but deliberately, Google's deeply southern lawyer rises to his feet, stopping only a moment to adjust his crisp white suit and bolo tie.

"Now, your honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer, and I don't know much about math-ematics or the like, but if my momma taught me anything, it's that three is greater than one. In fact, your honor, I do believe that three times one is in fact itself the equal to the number three. And if, as the plaintiff claims, my client is 'three times' a monopolist - and that's from the Greek now, 'monos', meaning, well, 'one', you honor - Why, my trusty slide rule here is tellin' me that's a little something we call a triopolist."

The jury gasps.

"Now, is my client a triopolist? We-hell, guilty as charged, your honor, except... That's not rightly the charge, is it? By their own admission, I might add, the plaintiff has levelled charges against my client they know to be false and have admitted as much here today, wasting not only my client's time, but the time of this court! Now, you show me where in them fancy law books it says no company shall hold triopoly on the free market, and I'll be right back here in my sundee best marchin' on off to the hoosegow, but until then... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! If the laws o' God and man still say one plus one plus one equals three, you must acquit! The defense rests."

Of course, by this point Google's CEO has already handed the judge a check for sixty million dollars and flown away in an unmarked helicopter, but you've got to admire his commitment.

The law offices of Goldfarb, Goldfarb, Evans, McAllister, Michaels, Fong, Stanley, Dewey, Cheatum, Livingston, Caldwell, Cochrane, Loblaw, Goldfarb, Walters-Metzengerstein, Downey jr., Bridges, Mandelbrot, The Boot About to Lodge Itself So Far Up Your Ass You'll Need a Dentist to Get It Out & Howe c/o the Office of the Attorneys General of the Commonwealths of Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania & Virginia d/b/a Our Entire Legal Staff is Going to Cook and Eat You Figuratively and Then Literally, You're Fucking Dead Kiddo, LLC., Plaintiffs,

•                   - against -
  

The Starving Orphans Defense Fund, Defendant.

Pro tip: If you have to sue someone named "Fair Democracy", make sure your company's name is like, a billion paragraphs long so by the time people make it to "- against -" they're too exhausted to keep reading

In the business we call that the ol' Patriot Act Maneuver

I will accept nothing short of Willem Dafoe.

Did He-Man accidentally lapse into the public domain or something? I swear I've seen like five different "Masters of the Universe" reboots with five different subtitles in as many years and I gotta assume Mattel just left the film rights outside on the porch in a bowl that says "Take One" like it's Halloween candy. Feels like there's as many He-Men out there now as Spider-Men. Which is to say, I'm looking forward to seeing how they tie them all together in He-Man: Into the Masters of the Universe-verse.

Y'know, the early parts are by and large fine, but late season 1 is when things really start to kick off. Just keep an eye out for a pasty Skeletor-lookin' motherfucker in a full-body BDSM suit, that's around the time they got all their shit figured out and the real plot started cooking.

In fairness that's probably exactly what that card would look like if either of those two had a hand in designing it.