this post was submitted on 06 Jul 2025
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Relationship Advice

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I'm not really into trans people, so I only date cis men. Not trans men, not nonbinary people, and not women of any kind. However, my former boyfriend is now my girlfriend, and IDK how to tell her I don't like women without her taking it the wrong way.

I wrote:

Hey, L,

I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.

I hope you understand, E 🙂

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[–] heyWhatsay@slrpnk.net 2 points 6 minutes ago

Many relationships don't make it through transition. Hopefully your friendship can

[–] HonoraryMancunian@lemmy.world 1 points 24 minutes ago

How did it go?

[–] ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org 8 points 4 hours ago
[–] grysbok@lemmy.sdf.org 20 points 6 hours ago

I hope your breakup goes smoothly and you remain good friends (I assume your relationship was good to start with). It's never easy to breakup, but rip that bandaid off as kindly as possible. She's not of your attracting gender and that's no one's fault. ✨Friendly after-midnight internet stranger thoughts to both of you.✨

[–] SonofaBixcuit@sh.itjust.works 20 points 7 hours ago

Hey, I went through a similar situation so I'll share the advice I was given: just be honest. It might hurt her to some degree, but it'll be better than just holding in your feelings. Looks like you were already honest with her by the post message.

[–] SendMePhotos@lemmy.world 67 points 10 hours ago (3 children)

It's not always easy to be honest. But being honest is proper. You be you, and they will be who they are. It's best to live your best lives as who you truly are. If you're not compatible, you're not compatible. It's okay.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 9 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

Hey, L,

I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.

I hope you understand, E 🙂

[–] SendMePhotos@lemmy.world 13 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

Not bad. I'd say end on a supportive note if you still care about them as a person. Like if you would still be there for them through this process just say something like, "I'll still be here to support you as you grow." but if you won't, don't say that.

In the corporate world, I was taught about the "shit sandwich". You start with the good (fully support you coming out, being true to yourself), add the shit in the middle (I'm straight and not into women), then add the other slice of bread (I'll support your true womanly self along the way). But like, keep the shit in the middle instead of ending on your own thoughts--you can have your thoughts but just end on the supportive part.

Just like... My opinion, man.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 7 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

Thank you! Maybe,

Hey, L,

I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel. Remember that as you continue your journey, though, I'll be here as your friend to support you.

I hope you understand, E 🙂

[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 27 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

If I may piggyback off this comment and add one more thing: it’s a difficult conversation to be sure, so please do you and your girlfriend a favor and just be succinct and the point.

What I mean by this is that often times we want to make difficult conversations less painful, so we start dancing around our truth to try to soften the blows. We worry that we’re going to hurt the other person, and sometimes we end up making things worse in the process.

Good luck to you and her. I hope you two can find your paths going forward.

@FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 5 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

Thanks so much, I will update you tomorrow!!

[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 4 points 7 hours ago
[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 9 points 10 hours ago

Thank you, I'll tell her.

[–] Townlately 30 points 10 hours ago (2 children)

Let her know that you support her being who she is, it's just not your thing. You are entitled to your own preference. No hard feelings, hopefully.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 5 points 7 hours ago

I wrote:

Hey, L,

I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.

I hope you understand, E 🙂

[–] IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world 13 points 10 hours ago

it's going to hurt either way. might as well be honest

[–] smegger@aussie.zone 21 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

You should probably bring this up sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it the harder it'll be. Maybe something about loving them as a person but no longer being attracted to them on a sexual level.

There's not really any way I can think of that won't hurt at least a little bit.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 7 points 10 hours ago

I'll tell her, TYSM

[–] PlzGivHugs@sh.itjust.works 14 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago) (1 children)

Be respectful but honest. Hopefully you can still be there to support her, but its not your responsibly to hide your sexuality for her, nor would it be right to lead her on when the relationship won't be successful.

Just try to keep in mind that she's likely in a vulnerable place right now, so while you shouldn't lie, try to be gentle. Prehaps emphasize that theres no blame, and make sure she knows you're proud of her.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 3 points 8 hours ago

Thank you. I'll try to be gentle

[–] pigeonholedpoetry@sh.itjust.works 13 points 10 hours ago (2 children)

There’s no way to lay it on “nicely”.

[–] Pronell@lemmy.world 7 points 10 hours ago

Agreed, if you don't see a way forward with the relationship, you should be honest.

If you're living together, please consider giving them some time to figure things out, if that's feasible for you.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 6 points 10 hours ago

Thank you :)

[–] 0x01@lemmy.ml 7 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

Breaking up is hard no matter if it's justified and moral, there's never an easy way to do it.

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 2 points 8 hours ago
[–] timewarp@lemmy.world 11 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

You tell them just like to told us. How did it get this far without you telling them? Did you just keep trying to make it work but didn't want to hurt their feelings?

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 9 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Yeah, I didn't want to be rude

[–] LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world 7 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

Also kinda surprised she didn't bring it up either? Like, "btw I'm transitioning, what does that mean for us?"

[–] FelizTheCat@thelemmy.club 6 points 8 hours ago

I told her I would still love her and try to be there, she kinda hinted when she said "would you still love me if I was a woman" but I realized I don't like women romantically much

[–] Kaboom@reddthat.com 1 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

You don't own her a relationship. Break up with her.