**CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA **- Apple today announced iPhone 15 and iPhone 15 Plus, featuring a boring old design with a few minor tweaks, the Dynamic Island gimmick, a camera that's only slightly better than last year's model, and USB-C to seem innovative.
The new iPhones offer pathetic upgrades over the iPhone 14 to sucker Apple fans into buying the latest incremental iteration. Key selling points include:
- A "color-infused" back glass, because making the phone pretty colors will distract you from the lack of real innovation
- The Dynamic Island, which takes the universally hated notch and makes it...bigger? Revolutionary!
- A 48MP camera when most people shoot photos at 12MP anyway - perfect for filling up your storage twice as fast!
- Roadside assistance via satellite so you can get help for your BMW when it breaks down, because Apple knows its affluent user base loves their luxury vehicles
- The addition of USB-C, which Apple should have done years ago like every other phone manufacturer
iPhone 15 and 15 Plus represent a mediocre update designed to milk Apple's loyal followers of every last dollar. But don't worry, the company promises slightly better versions called the iPhone 15 Pro and Pro Max coming soon for just $200 more! Pre-order now to get the iPhone 15 delivered months after its announcement, as Apple faces severe supply chain issues it won't tell consumers about.
Apple urges its fans not to think critically and just mindlessly consume its products every year. The company is confident users will abandon any principles and pay exorbitant prices for minor refreshes simply because they have to have the latest iPhone to flaunt their status. As one Apple executive said, "Our customers are total suckers."
