I (24F) met a guy (37M) at a party half a year ago. He’s Japanese and I am an Indian living in Japan. We talked and exchanged socials but that was about it. After that we met in several other occasions, organized by mutual friends and a lot of times he invited me to various events too. I never really thought much about it because the age gap between us is insanely high.
A week ago he asked me if I am free and would like to go to a cafe with him. He didn’t say it was a date but i kinda think it was. This was our first opportunity to actually get to know more about each other’s personal life. I asked him about his job, he told me that he handles his parent’s real estate company and is quite rich. But he feels like his job is not very rewarding so he wants to go to abroad. I asked him if he is planning to get married so he said he feels it is still to early for him to get married. Then he asked me why i am not dating anybody yet. I told him i was too busy to date anyone but now that i have found a job, I will move to a new city and look for a suitable partner there. I am also planning to have a lot of children so I don’t want to delay it a lot. He said he also wants to have many children, but he didn’t seem bothered at all with his age being much higher than mine. Anyways, i think i made it pretty clear that i am only planning to look for a boyfriend in the city i am moving to, while he said he’s planning to stay closer to his family in this city and go abroad temporarily.
He still paid for everything that we ate and asked me out on a date again.
My question is, if he knows that I am leaving this city in two months and not planning to date anyone here, then is it safe to assume he asked me out again because he wants to sleep with me? I do not want to sleep with him, i am definitely physically attracted to him because he’s very handsome but i am a virgin and i want my first time to be with a long term partner atleast.
Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.
Please help me out
I'm not certain you provided any signs that he viewed it as a date or even that he liked you. I'm not sure you characterized any motivation on his part that made me think he was into you, except for that part of your conversation was around marriage and it read like you brought that up not him which I guess would be a signal that material was on their mind (but that's irrelevant if you brought it up I'd say).
I generally assume all men want to sleep with all women regardless of any other concept or notion, simply because sex is fun and men in my experience seem on average far more willing to do that with just about anyone. That's not really true, and it's not really a fair assumption, but I don't think it causes harm if you don't act irrationally on it.
It sounds like he:
I'm not certain I can gleam any more information about him out of your text.
Did he only want to talk to you about relationships and physicality? Was he physically distant or was he escalating touches? Did you catch him giving you signals like checking you out or anything else that might point to a purely carnal thinking?
Otherwise I'd say right now, it's safe to assume he wants to have sex with you. It's also probably unfair to assume that's all he wants and doubly unfair to assume that that's his motive for hanging out with you.
I believe men and women can have platonic relationships, which I think based on some comments you made in this thread you also believe.
So I'd recommend a couple possibilities:
Please know this is coming from a man's perspective and it's as brief as I could make it. Please consider the normal woman wisdom (even if it sucks that it's required) that you should focus on your immediate physical safety first and emotional/mental safety next at all times. If you get the feeling that clear communication would put you in danger, don't do it until you're safe.
Thank you very much for providing such a detailed and thorough explanation using your own insights as a man !😊😊
To answer your question, he maintained his physical boundaries with me in the entire duration. And after the hangout was over, he told me that my eyes looked beautiful today, he wants to hangout with me again. On the same day he asked if I am done with work and I told him I am very tired after coming back so he said he would have given me a shoulder massager if I was with him at the moment. So I only said I appreciate it.
After that we haven't exchanged any text messages
I would have taken the eye compliment as a yellow flag and appreciated it as a genuine compliment with no ulterior motives. I think the shoulder massage offer is where I'd draw the line and say, yes that's clearly someone looking to escalate things physically with you rather quickly.
At least in my culture that would be seen as strange between acquaintances and still pretty strange between friends. I don't think Japan is different in this regard so I would recommend clarifying your intentions sooner rather than later.
You originally brought up your virginity and your long term desires for sharing that with a long term partner. I would not bring that up with anyone you didn't want to convince you out of that belief. That might not be anyone's individual intention but that's the worst case scenario so you should consider it. That means telling a best friend is probably great and would be recommended. Telling an acquaintance or a friend who is also sexually attracted to you - and therefore may not be the best councilor to you for purely your benefit - would probably be an unwise thing to do. Unless of course you want them to convince you out of that belief so that you can more casually have sex, which is fine as long as you're being honest with yourself on who is really responsible for that change.
I am pretty sure about the sex part and I don't have any desires to do it with him even if I find him attractive. I would only feel aroused if I have romantic feelings for him so I don't think he can change that
Then you know what to do, what to be clear about, and what topics to avoid. I wish you luck.
Thank you 😊 you’re very kind