If getting messaged once a week or so to ask if you wanna hang is “smothering” and “risk pushing” you away, then maybe, just maybe, the problem is not the dude messaging.

Where does OP say that this is what they are doing? The assumption I would get from the meme is that they are trying to have long form conversations over text, which can be exhausting for other people - especially if you just met.

The whole phrasing of the meme puts off huge neediness vibes, which is kind of the joke. *Of course" OP has a hard time making friends, because they are so lonely. Catch 22, remember, was a comedy.

[–] goofystench@lemy.lol 2 points 20 hours ago (4 children)

can u be my therapist ?

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 7 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago) (3 children)

Well, no. I don't have the certification to be a therapist, and I sure as hell ain't paying the money and putting in the time and effort for a job that pays jack shit.

But if you identify with the above image, my advice to you would be to stop trying and just show up. Just get online - go to Facebook and Instagram and meetup.com, and start searching for clubs, groups, meetups, and events happening in your area. Just scroll through literally everything, and if you think "hmm, maybe I'd like that" or just "I don't know if I'd like that", then put it on your calendar and show up. (Note: I would avoid any groups specifically about mental health or personal development, as they tend to be Scientology fronts). Literally all you have to do is walk in the door. No matter what, just walk in the door. From there, you can do whatever you want. You can just leave. You can find the group and introduce yourself. You can sit quietly and not talk to anyone the whole time. You can vomit your whole life story and history of trauma to everyone there. It literally doesn't matter. Afterwards, if you think to yourself "I liked that, and would like to do it again", then show up again. If not, get on FB/IG/meetup/whatever again and go to a different thing. Do this again and again and again. And again and again and again. Build up a calendar of events where 5 to 7 days per week, you are showing up to a group of people, in real life, where you are going to do something that you can reasonably expect to enjoy.

Basically without trying, the people in these groups will get to know you, and they will probably like you. If they end up not liking you, that is okay too - the group is just not a good fit for you. Go start exploring again until you find a group that is a good fit for you. The more people you talk to and interact with, the more you'll find that people are generally nice and want to know you. This will decrease your neediness, which will make people like you more. By just showing up and not trying, you will gradually build deeper relationships with the people you meet, and eventually some of them will naturally become good friends.

If you find that you show up and don't know what to say, here is a hack. Just go in with an autistic level of honesty. Don't try to be smooth or cool or likeable. Just walk up to someone and say "hi, I'm x. I'm here for the thing." Or "I'm feeling nervous because I'm meeting a new group of people". Or "I wanted to make new friends, so I just randomly showed up here to see if you guys are cool."

Literally, that's it. Show up. Vomit out whatever is in your head. Repeat. Just keep doing this, and you will make friends.

[–] goofystench@lemy.lol 3 points 18 hours ago (2 children)

idk if i have energy to do all this, but thank you anyway ❤️ good advice

[–] Signtist@bookwyr.me 3 points 16 hours ago

It really is good advice, and you do get more and more energy to do it after you get started. The thing I did was DnD, and I just found people in the area advertising in-person campaigns and went to some. I only wanted to do a social day once every week or two, so I started with that. That didn't last long, though, since after finding the one campaign to be really fun, I ended up joining 2 more and having multiple sessions every week! I wouldn't have had the energy to start with that, but now I've got plenty. It's a bit of a balancing act to both acknowledge the height of the mountain you're about to climb, but also keep in mind that all you need to do right now is take a single step.

[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 3 points 16 hours ago

Just do it once. Then do it again. And again. Break the process down into the smallest steps you can think of, and just do a little every day. For example, today, type meetup.com in your browser and hit enter. If you want to do more, that is fine, but if that's all you can do, then accept that and go on with your day. Tomorrow, you can do the same thing, or you can try putting your location in the search bar. If even that is too much, you can just set a timer for 1 minute and think about searching for groups of people to meet. Or once you have some events that you might be interested in going to, and know where they are happening and that they are happening today, you could spend 1 minute thinking about walking out the door to go to that event.

Often what happens is that by just taking the smallest first step, you keep going. Because you feel rather silly "just" doing something for one minute. And sometimes you just do it for one minute, and that's all you can do, and that's okay too.