Dad for a Minute

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If you need a dad figure for help, encouragement or just a hug this is the right community for you.

Twin communities you might be interested in

!womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone For Women Stuff
!wholesome@reddthat.com For wholesome content

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tired_n_bored@lemmy.world

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I shouldn't care but I do. My father has been so absent throughout my whole life (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by tired_n_bored@lemmy.world to c/dadforaminute@lemmy.world

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Hi everyone. I created this community here on Lemmy because I wish to give others what I have never felt: the love and the support of a father.

My father is alive and well, but I've always felt like he was dead. I've never received support, love, or hugs but I instead received disapproval, criticisms, insults and high expectations from him. I remember telling kids in elementary school I had no dad.

I am at an age where this should not affect me. I am an adult with his own life but I am unable to feel indifferent to it. His words (or the lack thereof) still affect me. I want him to be proud of me, at least once in my lifetime, and whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".

My mother was emotionally unavailable too as she has a schizophrenia diagnosis. I don't know what I am looking for by writing this post, maybe just some nice words.

I still wish to be someone's cherished son. Thank you for reading.

Edit: Thank you to all, really. Your thoughtful comments warm up my heart.

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[–] Pandemanium@lemm.ee 6 points 3 months ago

I'm sorry but after the details OP shared, the chance of this happening are close to zero.

"...whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".

I know exactly how that feels, and OP has likely been trying for more than 20 years. Plugging emotional quarters into a slot machine that never pays out. Talking to a brick wall feels better than trying to connect with a parent like this. At some point you just have to accept you didn't get what you needed from them and you won't, ever. It's not a matter of you trying hard enough. The parent just isn't capable of that emotional connection.

And to OP, I haven't figured out how to not let it affect me either. You could look into trying to reparent yourself, though that only goes so far. I think looking for healthy male role models in spaces like this or IRL is also a good step. If you haven't read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" I recommend it.