i headed to the north pole

i headed to the north pole unaware my xbox had just silently updated call of duty and the liberals just stood there watching me i felt like bitchinbubba and i was gathering my gear like my long sleeve shirt and several snacks and for all they knew there might even be snow there but i knew that was just propaganda

several idiot badguys said stuff

you might not ever find santa said one hater

what if you get caught by the cia along the way what if someone tries to stop you from getting the naughty list along the way blubbered my mother

how could you be so selfish to choose the needs of your investigation over the needs of the swamp lamented the deepstate

do you not find this corruption enough cried the department of education

but i ignored them haha classic

i just kept gathering my sentimentals and other important supplies in silence like i was hearing a song or a tune that nobody else could hear and it was coming from the rising and falling waves of the far right and also my headphones and even as the sheep around me just got more and more frustrated and confused and emotional i just kept pushing and they slowly faded into background noise and i finally grabbed my assembled dossier and stepped towards my gmc sierra

more idiot badguys said more dumb stuff

are you insane have you lost your mind said one lefty

why would you trade such a good thing going for something that might not even be wailed another nonbeliever

we have problems that need fixed here first dont you know the hoa lady prattled

how could you do this to the children the pope who genuinely cares about the children chastised

guess what i did i ignored them again boom

i am used to not being understood and i know they cant understand me because theres this invisible strand of patriotism and this ethereal voice of trump and this magnetized charge of conservatism that pulls me away from the swamp and away from my liberal nephew and away from the chanting of the ignorant libs as they faded into weird microwave noises

i found it look out

i took my first step into santas so called workshop and it felt like the entire world fell below me due to the expected gravity differential and the stars of the american flag rose from their hiding places to greet me on my path and i finally realized this and i could begin my journey of understanding into the universe of alternative facts

gotcha

i headed a little bit more north because santa was several yards north of me still and i captured him and got his list and i found all the names of the deepstate operatives and downvoters and the fakenews anchors and the corrupt democrat politicians and i arrested this shadowy apex predator formerly known as santa clause so everyone could see

i headed to dc