Security guarantees? Europe's picking up the tab while Washington cashes out. Hegseth's "pragmatic evaluation" means funneling Europe's GDP into Lockheed Martin's quarterly reports. NATO's 5% defense spending target? A $2.3 trillion shakedown disguised as collective security. The Continent's industrial base is now a Pentagon subcontractor.

Crimea's gone. Zelensky's bargaining chips? A lithium deposit map and a graveyard of Leopard tanks. The "non-NATO peacekeeping mission" is just a rebrand for EU cannon fodder patrols. Von der Leyen's already drafting memos about "volunteer brigades" staffed by unemployed Iberian welders.

The real "negotiated settlement": Trump's Mar-a-Lago membership roster now includes Rosneft executives. Europe gets to foot the bill for demining Donbas while Chevron drills the Black Sea.