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Some ups and downs,

Back in Toronto to be with my gf (I call Seattle home atm) so woo! Also she adopted a new kitten who is just the cutest and loves laying on me because I run warm 🥺

But also my gf just got shafted by a weeks long interviewing process for a position she was really excited about. She's been trying to leave her toxic workplace but looks like she'll be stuck with it for a bit longer :( it's been difficult on her mental health and I'm being supportive where I can. Work stress plus ADHD means we spend a lot of time in bed in the evenings.

My works been really exciting lately but I've been mostly keeping it to myself because it feels a little rude to bring it up.

I finally discovered why my taste is messed up since I'm taking my ADHD medication. It turns out it's a side effect that doesn't disappear, and apparently I can't do anything about it.

Besides that, I've been hyperfocused in this game called Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup. Trying to pass the main dungeon, but dying miserably because of things.

And I'm watching two TV series, after several months without consuming any media, except for the news. One is "Red Dwarf". The other is "Doctor Who".

Just got through a major pain of a week...moving around places nearby due to work going on in the house plus stupidly busy period at work means I will do basically nothing this weekend and it will be glorious!

Been doing alright.

Feel burnt out and tired. Worst part is that when I have to sleep, I'm never tired so I end up sleeping about 5 hours. I sometimes take edibles to fall asleep, but it became a bad habit and a couple weeks ago I ran out and I was feeling some sort of dread so I stopped taking them. It has definitely affected the amount of time I sleep, but at least I don't feel groggy in the morning anymore.

I'm planning a trip with my girlfriend for our one year anniversary. We are probably going to a small cabin at a nearby lake. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her. Whiskey, good food, and my girlfriend sounds really nice, but for now we work.

i give my week a 4/5, been busy the past few days trying to set up a Firefish instance with my partner which has been just awesome and i’m super excited to open it up and get people on it! rly inspired by beehaw’s community-building style.

in less awesome news i’m moving back home at the end of the week and i’m not looking forward to it. moving is so stressful and i don’t want to be back home with my dad either lol.

Not that great.

Starting a new (internal) role tomorrow which got me a £4k payrise and is going to set me on a path to chartered accountancy, which is great when just three months ago my employer announced plans to lay off my whole department and outsource hundreds of jobs to India. After escaping redundancy and purchase ledger (I have been working in PL jobs for the past three years and desperately wanted an out), I should be feeling jubilant.

If anything I feel the opposite.

My sadness/frustration comes from the fact that my love life has all but flatlined. I grow sick of trying to use Tinder, Bumble, Okcupid, Hinge and pretty much any other dating app to exist and getting zero matches from legitimate people. I grow sick of being given false platitudes about how I'll find someone eventually, when I just know that I'm going to go through my thirties still a virgin.

Part of me seriously worries about success, that I'll soon each the point where I could command a high five figure, possibly a six figure salary, then suddenly have women flock to me not out of admiration but out of wanting my money.

Been another week of pointless stressful bullshit at work for me, which eats into my real life outside of work more than I'd like. That being said, making some progress on finding a therapist (a surprisingly difficult process it seems) and also a driving instructor -- almost made it to 30 without learning to drive, but the time is now!

Also starting the process of ditching music streaming in favour of Bandcamp, which has been fun. Been feeling some real nostalgia for the old days of buying tracks off iTunes!

All in all, pretty good. I finished with intensive out patient last week, so I start regular out patient today (3 months sober!). It's my second week of my new job and so far everyone is pretty chill. My pixelfed account is trending right now (I'm not completely sure what that means/does, but either way it's cool that people are enjoying my hobby) I'm @Swanton if any of you want to check it out. It's only Tuesday, but so far so good

My week's been quite the ride, just like any other week, you know? Ups and downs, twists and turns. But I'm hanging in there. And now that it's Friday and the weekend's just around the corner, I'm stoked to catch up with friends and leave the stress behind. How about you? [@alyaza@beehaw.org]

Very much ups and downs here...

Had my assessment with my private medical cover over my gender identity wtf

Counselling sessions start this week.

Saw friends at the weekend which was nice... apart from the actual bbq being a pretty heavy disaster for my partner and me.

Home Improvement projects are finally progressing at a decent clip. I've been stuck under some hangups that have made progress slow. We're looking into purchasing a new mountain bike for my daughter. I'm really excited to get out and do some singletrack with her and try some new things. It's a super exciting opportunity for her and I! :)

woke up to a sick dog this morning AND I had to go into the office today :(

A weird mix of great and awful! Recovering well from a surgery I've wanted for years, just in time for my roommate to get laid off from work! All while my computer is dead, preventing me from working myself.

Good. And you?

It's so hot outside 😫

I'm honestly losing my will to live. Not actively considering sucide, but in the "I wouldn't mind if that bus just swerved into me and this bullshit could finally end" phase. Physical and mental health's down the shitter, and I'm making the mental part worse by isolating myself from my friends and the outside world in general – partially because I'm just so tired due to health issues, and partially due to having picked up an old substance abuse problem that I tend to reach for every time I hit a rough spot, and which absolutely does not help. Haven't left my apartment in days now.

Everything feels so pointless. My immune system hates me, meaning my body has decided that everything starting from my eyes to my nervous system is the enemy, so now I'm slowly losing my eyesight and getting neuropathic pain from dying nerve fibers. After getting sick 3 or so years ago I've managed to cut almost all of my friends out of my life because I either honestly didn't have the energy to do stuff with them and keep in touch, or just spent my days sulking about how terrible I feel (and tbh there have been times I really did feel absolutely terrible, what with radiotherapy and surgery and all) instead of spending time with people who cared about me, so now nobody even asks me out to things anymore or gets in touch. Not that I had all that many friends in the first place, being a bit of a weirdo loner to start with, so it's no surprise that the few I had left evaporated when all I could talk about was how terrible I felt after getting an internal organ nuked or how I had to go to the emergency department again because of XYZ.

Slowly trying to come to terms and learn to live with chronic illness now that the acute stuff is over, but I've isolated myself so efficiently that it's hard to pick up my life from where I left it before I got sick. So right now the place I'm at is that I'm a bloated aging ruin of a person in a world that's rapidly going down the shitter, and I just feel so hopeless about, well, everything.