this post was submitted on 06 Jul 2025
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Parenting

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Edit (Feel like i need to put this up top): Some of yall think I'm intent on being a deadbeat and that I was in the "100% never want to have kids" boat and reluctantly obliged. It was a much more careful calculation than that and I decided to do it on my own. That was just for contrxt to explain my hesitancy. We planned this shit to a T from start to finish. I'm not asking for anyone to ridicule me for "fucking up". I'm asking for advice on the situation I'm in because there is no path backwards and I intend to be a baller dad regardless of how I feel about it. There are a lot of emotions you can easily force but this is not one of them. So all the dipshits telling me what I should have done before having this kid can eat a giant bag of used needles. That being said, thank you to all of the normal fucking people who can actually read a situation and offer helpful insight/advice instead of reverting to a bridge troll. I may not respond to all of the comments because of the volume but I am grateful for the support.


New dad of a 3wk old.

I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.

During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.

When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I'm still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I'm not a monster so I won't shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).

The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I've had no "my whole world changed and I'd die for this kid" moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn't die for him.

My wife has been struggling and I'm trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can't do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn't stay awake while feeding (she's pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren't specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won't be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don't, everything will go to even deeper shit. She's the one who wanted 5 kids and I'm now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it's a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I'm changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it's the first time I've seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.

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[–] Tugboater203@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

It gets better, I really didn't connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It's tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.

[–] qyron@sopuli.xyz 1 points 1 day ago (2 children)

There are too many things wrong in this entire situation.

If you did not want children, you should not had let your partner pressure you into it. And that 5 figure she wanted tells me she was indoctrinated to be a brood mare, not an independent woman.

Have you tried your best? Are you still trying? Yes. But I risk things will only get worst in the future between you and your partner. Respect was broken; that is the worst that can happen in a relationship.

Regarding the child - and I am going to be cold and cruel here: man up.

That child did not ask to be conceived and born. Their entire world is you - again, because regardless your state of mind, you seem a lot more involved than the mother - and even though the connection isn't there, consider it a duty towards a completely defenceless human being. I'm not telling you to love them but to protect and care for them as if you were in their situation: show kindness and respect.

Which you seem to be showing and makes you a bigger human being.

There is no magic solution for this situation. Sincerely speaking, it wasn't the right time for that child to be born, if ever, but they're here now. Find a solution as adults.

I wish I could spare some face to face time to hear you out and give some real support but I fear we live in too far away parts of the world for that to happen.

Be brave and be honest, just like you've been doing and done here.

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[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

The number one piece of advice a number of dads have given me is: if you don't want kids, don't have kids. I would add to this: if you don't feel ready for kids, don't have kids. And your situation is exactly why this advice applies.

I recommend leaning on your social networks for help with childcare. Your mom likes the baby? Great! She can take care of them 2 nights per week while you catch up on everything and find some sanity.

Your wife forced you to have a baby. Force her to seek more help. Recruit her friends and family if you need to. She wanted this, but you are doing all the work. She needs to get her shit together so she can help out.

Sorry dude, but you've basically blown up your life for the next decade. If you don't really like the kid by then, probably the best case is to get a divorce and bounce. Pay child support. Take the kid in a cool trip once per year. Then you can live the life you want, and the kid won't go through puberty with a dad who resents them around all the time.

[–] boaratio@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don't think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.

This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They'll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

[–] borf@lemmynsfw.com 8 points 2 days ago

Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you'll still be with your SO.

Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there's no single "clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU'RE A DAD YOU'RE A DAD" moment.

But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.

And then you blink and they're a teenager and suddenly they're too cool to say "I love you Daddy" anymore and you aren't prepared for how much that hurts.

So anyway that's how it happens. Btw for what it's worth, I don't think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That's... why we're all here.

[–] lath@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (9 children)

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.

The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.

You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.

The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.

You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?

You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.

Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!

[–] technocrit@lemmy.dbzer0.com 0 points 1 day ago

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

Condescending and privileged AF.

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[–] xylogx@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It is weird, but one of the fulfilling things about being a parent for me was a sense of purpose. There is a lot to do and objectively good and bad outcomes. In some sense, part of my affection comes from singularity of purpose.

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[–] solsangraal@lemmy.zip 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

man, i hope things turn around for you. only advice i can think of is tough it out, and do your best to not take it out on the kid like so many fathers do

[–] 5oap10116@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Already tried to make it very clear that I intend to and already am doing everything i can for this kid. I have no intention of being a bad father. It's just that I'm not feeling the passion everyone told me I would.

[–] whostosay@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago (5 children)

Also don't have kids, but some real red flag energy coming from the other side of this relationship.

Wants 5x the responsibility they can't handle now while also letting you wing it/handle all of this like a godamn champion? Pass.

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[–] bladerunnerspider@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago (3 children)

No, men don't even like their babies for the first three months. Mothers have already had 9 months to bond with the baby.

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[–] UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml -3 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Probably also should wonder if the child will enjoy any part of its life. Being born is a consentless act.

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